His and Her Health

In this month's installment of our Prostate Cancer Series One Man's Story - A World of Choices, Decisions and Hope, our writer's wife, Francesca, explains her reactions and offers her thoughts about living with a prostate cancer patient. The author's update will follow in January. Readers can send e-mails, ask questions or offer thoughts...

The Wife of our Author Reveals the Other Side

When we finally got that call on March 30, 1999, I was relieved. Although we had not been definitely told that my husband had prostate cancer, we both felt that was going to be what we heard when we visited the doctor that following Monday. I was relieved because after weeks of waiting, we were going to hear what the situation was, and most importantly, we could begin to do something about it, figure out the best course of action, and take the first step towards, hopefully, beginning to put this thing behind us.

I felt very yin-yang that weekend. I had a commitment for Saturday morning to work with my volunteer group and felt a conflict about whether or not I should go. I didn't want to leave my husband alone, and I didn't want to renege on my commitment. I decided to go, since I thought that a change in my plans might confirm the seriousness of the situation and I wasn't quite ready to acknowledge that to myself or to my husband.

When we heard the news from the doctor that it was prostate cancer, but was not an advanced case, and was certainly treatable, I was very much relieved. My father and two of my uncles recently had been diagnosed with prostate cancer (all had a higher PSA count than my husband). They had selected radioactive seed implants as their treatment and they were all doing well, so I was very optimistic.

After our urologist explained the treatment options, my immediate, though unspoken, reaction was that surgery was the preferred option just get rid of it. I knew that a radical prostatectomy would be a serious operation with possible long-term side effects and an extended recovery period for my husband. Whatever the side effects, though I believed that my husband was strong enough to endure them and I was sure that our marriage would survive them.

However, as we concluded the meeting with the urologist, he said something that stayed in my mind. "If you decide to go with an option, other than surgery," the doctor said, "I would understand that decision." That clearly said to me that surgery was not the only option, and not necessarily the best in my husband's case.

I stayed very much in the background over the next week as my husband spent time doing research on the Internet, visiting other physicians and speaking to men who had chosen prostate surgery and other therapies. At the end of the week, my husband gave me two typewritten sheets of paper that laid out his decision, the reasons for his decision and the changes he wanted to make in our lives because of the prostate cancer. We spent most of one afternoon discussing his decision and our plans for the future. Then and now, I fully supported his decision. The actual decision was somewhat irrelevant; the most important thing was that it was his decision.

Over the last six months, there are many days when I forget that he had prostate cancer, I guess because you can't see it and because there are no outward signs of the disease it becomes a case of "out of sight, out of mind." But there are also constant reminders that our life has changed and is continuing to change. When he awakens many times during the night to urinate, when he had to search for diapers during our trip to Italy this past summer, the uncomfortable wait for PSA test results, the daily inconvenience and awkwardness of incontinence - all of these things are reminders of how this disease can change a life.

Last month, I had a cystoscopic examination of my bladder and urinary tract. Microscopic amounts of blood had been detected in a routine urine sample and my doctor thought it prudent to order the test. No problem was detected, and I was given a clean bill of health. The immediate, though not long-term side effect of the procedure was urinary urge incontinence. I wore absorbent pads for five days after the procedure and experienced first hand the kind of discomfort my husband has coped with daily for six months. For the first time, I had a slight inkling of what my husband deals with every day. My admiration for the way he has dealt with all of this escalated immediately and my respect for him has grown as a result of this experience.

The last six months have taught me that life rarely runs smoothly. There will always be bumps in the road. We all hope - optimistically and perhaps unrealistically -- that life will offer smooth sailing. Our life during the past six months has shown me that this simply will not happen. I have adopted my husband's view that each day is a gift to be used in the best way possible - to learn new things and do good things as we go about the tasks of making a life and making a living. Seeing life this way helps turn my focus away from worrying about the next bump in the road - whatever it may be.

I am optimistic about our future together. I believe that my husband and I are protected by a guardian angel and live under a lucky star. On the day we were married I was 52 and my husband was 55. I asked him for 25 years together and he made that promise. He has never broken a promise to me.