His and Her Health

I am a 33 year old woman. I have been sexually active for 19 years. I have 4 children (all from healthy, normal pregnancies). I have had 5 sexual partners in my life, and all were capable, enthusiastic, skilled lovers. I have a wonderful, caring, patient man in my life. My sex drive has always been - and continues to be - extremely high. I have no sexual hangups. On the contrary, I have a very healthy attitude as regards sex, and my fiance matches my sexual appetite completely. I have never been sexually abused or violated in any way. I am not on any medications. My menstrual cycle was normal and healthy until I had a sub-total hysterectomy 3 years ago. My hormone levels were normal prior to the surgery, they remain normal now.

As you can see, there seems to be absolutely no physical reason for my complete lack of orgasm. Penetrative sex - nothing. Vaginal stimulation - nothing. Clitoral stimulation - nothing. Solo masturbation - nothing. Internal, external, manual, electric, hard, soft, male, female, fingers, tongue, penis, toys, you name it, I've tried it and it doesn't matter. I enjoy sex immensely, but find myself so unbelievably frustrated at the end I just want to scream. Desire isn't a problem. Arousal isn't a problem. Sensation isn't a problem. Lubrication isn't a problem. So why is it that - in my ENTIRE LIFE - I have never EVER had an orgasm? With my fiance, I have come closer than ever before, but still nothing. What the HELL is wrong with me?

Okay, so I'm guessing I've stumped y'all. I'm not really surprised, considering I've checked, tested, researched, tried, covered and/or shot down pretty much every one of the "usual" causes of anorgasmia.

Well, thanks anyway!

theBee, sorry there has not been a flurry of suggestions.You pretty much ruled out all of the possible causes. But I would suggest that you go to another GYN and have your hormone levels evaluated again. Normal to some doctors may not be the number that helps with orgasms. Have you read zaneblues " Orgasmic Diet", there are some who swear by it.
http://www.hisandherhealth.com/cgi-bin/ubb_newshe/ultimatebb.cgi?/topic/1/2308.html

Yes, that's about what I figured. There really is no reason for it with me. I know. I've been researching and bouncing from doctor to bookstore to herbalist to the internet to adult toy store and back again for years.

Cancer runs rampant in my family, so I have a truly complete physical twice a year. My hormone levels are ideal. This information is from a series of GYNs over the years.

While I do get unbelievably frustrated, I'm counting myself lucky to enjoy sex at all, and that I have found a man who is patient, understanding and - most importantly - doesn't see this as a personal affront to his prowess or as a challenge he must conquer.

Again, thank you anyway. This board seems to be a great resource for those with slightly less ambiguous issues. You've got a really great thing here.

Have you been to a women's sexual health clinic like the Berman Center? It's my impression that a lot of doctors aren't well-equipped in this area.

You're correct. Most doctors are woefully uninformed on the subject. It took me running through nearly every gynecologist in the city before I found a wonderful, sensitive, HIGHLY informed elderly gentleman OB/GYN. He retired shortly thereafter, but not before referring me to an amazing new female GYN. She too was informed, open-minded and up-to-date on her information, treatment ideas and techniques. Unfortunately, she has since moved out of the country, so I am back to the original options who were no help to begin with. Hence my posting here.

I've essentially resigned myself to never getting there. As I said above, I know I'm fortunate to enjoy it at all, and that my fiance is so unbelievably wonderful about the whole thing.

My wife has also never had an orgasm. But at least you seem to enjoy sex and you are talking about the situation. My wife won't do either, no matter what I suggest.

For the longest time, I didn't talk about it. Ever. To anyone. I even refused to acknowledge this shortcoming (bad pun, sorry!) to myself. 2 relationships worth of faking it. 17 years of my life lived in hidden rage at myself. It was an odd conciding of circumstances and conversations we had that lead to the revelation of my problem to the man I'm about to marry. I never would have imagined telling ANYONE about it. Both of my exes - according to all my research - were doing everything right, so telling either of them would have changed nothing.

I have been told repeatedly that by concentrating on it too much, making too much of it, viewing it as the "Be all and end all" is highly inadvisable. Too much pressure. I (obviously) cannot speak for your wife, but for myself, I don't really see it as a be all and end all, just something I would really really like to experience. I feel... incomplete? No. Inadequate probably best explains it. Like I'm not a fully sexual being unless and until I've been there.

I've felt the impending orgasm with my fiance, and the sensations immediately switch from pleasure to pain and irritation. It's like a switch gets flipped in my head, closing me off from my own hypothalmic responses.

I say frustrating, but that just does not do justice to the intense rage and self-loathing that I feel. Unfortunately, it expresses most often as anger at and disappointment in HIM, which it most certainly is not, and isn't intended to be.

I'm so lucky to have him. He's been so patient about this whole process, he tries to keep me optimistic when I throw my hands in the air and scream "Oh let's just FORGET IT!" (which I do with startling frequency). In my entire life, I have never told a sexual partner about this until him. He's never given up or become frustrated about it. I live in awe of his understanding and patience. I would (and have) given up ages ago. This is the best advice I can offer you as well. Just be as patient and understanding as is humanly possible. I understand her feelings. Self-loathing and rage just don't do justice to the feeling on adequacy from this problem.

Best of luck to us all.

I'm curious, did you compare yourself with your husbands with regard to orgasms, which you experienced first-hand? I sometimes wonder if my flawless ease of reaching mind-blowing orgasms has set up an impossible standard for my wife, who is a very intelligent and competitive person. Would you have felt differently early on if you had been with a man who had problems reaching orgasm?

To elaborate, I think my wife sees my orgasms as mechanical and not connected to my feelings. Since feelings change from time to time, and my orgasms are always like clockwork, how could they be connected to my feelings - perhaps she sees that as a turn off? She has said numerous times that I should just go and take care of it myself, as if it is nothing more than a biological release, like a sneeze or something.

It really makes a difference to a man to have a woman appreciate his erection as a sign of how he feels about her, rather than as biological state of a part of my body that she "has to deal with" because I'm to lazy to take care of it myself.

Have you tried an Eroscillator or Hitachi Magic Wand? Try one of those during masturbation; typically it's much easier to have your first orgasm alone.

Also, by all means, go on my diet. It may be a neurotransmitter issue. Also, do you have low blood pressure?

Funny you should ask that. My fiance did indeed have situational anorgasmia when we met (it is a very rare occasion now where it is an issue. Usually only when he's very tired or stressed). While I'm not entirely certain if it would have changed things for me had I encountered a man with this problem earlier in life, I can say with absolute authority that knowing about his problem made it possible for me to feel comfortable revealing mine. I should point out that he and I made these revelations to each-other prior to any sexual interaction between us. It wasn't an inadvertant revelation. I was tired of pretending, and was determined not to go down that same road with this man.

I understand the frustration your wife experiences. It seems sometimes that the man and his penis are two separate creatures with completely independant takes on things. For example, many men can become aroused at the most seemingly inappropriate moments, such as in the midst of an argument, whereas most women require resolution in a dispute first. I can certainly see how this and other instances could lead someone to think as your wife does - that the whole thing is an automatic, mechanical response.

I'm assuming from your second post here that your wife takes no pleasure in sex at all, is that correct?

zaneblue, regarding the vibrators you mentioned, I have but one word in response - NUMBNESS. Vibrators deaden me totally, the only variation being in how fast (the more powerful the toy, the quicker the sensation is lost). I have been told that the Hitachi truly is "magic", but it's too much power. So I purchased a unit designed to turn a single-speed router to a variable-speed unit. That didn't really make any difference.

*ears perk up*
Low blood pressure? Why would that be relevant?

theBee - my experience is exactly the same as yours! I've had a very satisfying, active, healthy sex life but have never had an orgasm. I'm 27. Did you learn or hear anything else after posting on this board? I was just as disappointed as you to see the lack of responses. Did you try to Orgasm Diet?

Thanks for the help - good luck to us both!

ShowMe,theBee, Have either of you thought your lack of reaching an orgasm was a control issue. Your not being able to really give up control of your body? Maybe some sessions with a sex therapist would be of some help.

I'm not a psychologist or any kind of expert but I think that once all medical and physical issues have been examined and ruled out there really is only one aspect of ourselves that is left and that is our emotional and mental self. I think the whole "letting go" issue is central to the kind of dilemma you are facing and I think it's important to focus on the journey as opposed to the destination. Maybe if you could work on "letting go" when you're alone then you would enjoy the journey more. It's hard for me to put into words but when I say "letting go" I mean giving up control of yourself completely and totally. In my opinion, “letting goâ€Â