His and Her Health

Hi,
I was on the internet searching for help out of desperation. I don't know what to do anymore!
I am 33 yrs old and have a very high sex drive. It seems like i'm a sex addict compared to my husband. I am so tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me because I desire intimacy. I question everything now and it's starting to ruin the rare sex we do have because by the time we get there I am so resentful and frustrated with all the turn downs and put offs. My husband recently asked me after an emotional burst how often I would want it if I could choose. I responded honestly and openly by saying 2-3 times a day. He seemed horrified!!! His answer was that he would never be able to make me happy anyway. Was I wrong to say/feel that? I feel hopeless. I love my husband so much and the rest of our marriage is so good...i don't know what to do. Please help...

2-3 times a day is what we say when we're frustrated. In reality, if you're having regular, satisfying, intimate sex you'd probably be satisfied with less often. Also, one's partner does not need to be the source of one's every orgasm. It's perfectly reasonable to have partner sex on a more compromising schedule and fill in the gaps between.

I find that when there's a lull in sex with my husband, I want to masturbate every day and the longer without, the more often I feel the need. If we're having sex 3-4 times a week, I hardly ever masturbate. I think it's because sex satisfies more needs.

So your husband shouldn't be horrified thinking that he has to have sex with you 2-3 times a day or he won't be able to make you happy. He SHOULD work with you to come up with a compromise - something more than he wants and less than you want. Then you leave him be and quietly take care of any excess.

Counseling would probably help as it sounds like there's a lot of resentment, high emotion and a breakdown of communication. A counselor can help you work on the situation in a calmer, more productive way.

Thank you so much. That makes so much sense. There is a lot of love between us and I hate that this hurts him too. We have communicated very well...it's just that nothing has solved the issue. I think sex is more than just physical release for me. It's like I need to know also that he desires me and is willing to pursue me. Instead I am always doing the pursuing and and that's where I start to feel resentful. I have tried to not pursue him at all to see if he would come around and maybe come after me for a change. I literally made rules like not touching him below the beltline at all..etc. He just seemed to feel relief. So in turn I did try just taking care of myself. While I am capable of obtaing release, the release failed to give me that feeling of satisfaction I get from making love. Is that crazy? Shouldn't release just be the same either way?

It's not crazy. It's basically what I was saying. It takes less sex than masturbation to be satisfied because it's more filling, so to speak.

The pursuit/desire thing is the constant struggle for the person in the relationship with the bigger libido.

I recommend that at this point you don't worry about who initiates. Try to get over that for now and just concentrate on enjoying each encounter regardless how it began.

My situation was not as extreme as yours, but it was similar in that I wanted far more than he did and was weary of initiating and cajoling him into it every time. It helped us to plan in advance. I know people like the idea of spontaneity, but it's overrated.

If you have a date for Friday and it's Wednesday, you have a wonderful chance to build up some anticipation and he can relax, knowing you're not out to pounce on Wednesday or Thursday. As it is right now, he's probably leery of your every friendly gesture, thinking you expect it to lead to sex. If you take that out of the picture - nope! That's for Friday! - then a lot of tension goes out of it.

Of course he needs to step up to the plate too. If he's in the mood, say, once every two weeks, he might agree to twice a week. On those occasions he should give it his best. He may even find he likes it better, especially if there's not all this seething going on the other five days.

It may not be as much as you want, but wouldn't it be better than things are now?

Sexual addiction vs: Needing more physical touch?

Dear Laughin,

I think the advice you've been getting is sound.
We shouldn't call everything sexual addiction. On the other hand, feeling as if you want/need sex several times a day may mean that you are in a lot of emotional distress at not getting the love/touch you need. So besides negotiating with your partner for more not-necessarily-a-prelude-to-sex touch, you may want to consider exploring what kinds of activities you can do for yourself which would be self-soothing. These are often non-sexual, like taking a bath, petting an animal, listening to music, calling up
images and voices and affirmations of people who love you, etc.

I think when you are very, very upset and you talk to him about sex, the sadness/anger/emptiness/desparation may make him back off from you, since he will feel that he can't fill up the emotional (as well as sexual) emptiness you feel.

Best of luck,

Dr. Z

Aline Zoldbrod Ph.D.