His and Her Health

does anybody have any tips of how to either decrease libido or even better...kill it off altogether? I am 32 years old, he is almost 40 and I want it way more than he does and my high sexuality is killing our marriage slowly but surely. I'm tired of suffering through the female equivalent of "blue balls" which is not very comfortable at all, actually darn right painful. Short of cheating I'm at a loss on what to do at this point I've strongly considered and looked into clitoral castration but can't find a surgeon in the USA willing to do this.

Do not have surgery trying to decrease your libido. He has a lower sex drive than you and may need a full physical and blood work up to test ,among other things , his testosterone level.

Was he always like that?

no, he wasnt always like this, before we were married he wanted it as much maybe more than I did. Now I have to fight for once a week and then I get called "walking horomone" We've only been married just over a year (October 15th) so its not like we're an elderly couple in our 80s and married years and years.

Have you considered masturbating to satisfy yourself since he won't? At your age you are at your sexual peak.Is he in good health and can he preform well when you do have intercourse.Does he give a reason for the decrease in making love and is he at least affectionate to you with hugs and kisses.

Daina, your husband is wrong to call you "walking hormone". I would give anything to have my wife be like you! I think it's a gift to have a high sex drive -- the only problem is you pay a price when your partner can't keep up with you!

It's pretty common for people to appear to be sexually matched at the beginning of the relationship when the novelty and excitement are high. But when things settle down, the person with the higher biological drive stays high, while the other person drops farther down.

How can I convince you not to try any kind of surgery or method for reducing your libido, certainly not in any permanent way? Let me try by saying that if I were to divorce now and look for another woman, one of the most important qualities would be that she have a high sex drive, with a sustained history of being high, not just flash-in-the pan at the beginning of a relationship. I know that sounds crass, but after what I've been through, the last thing I want is another relationship with a low-libido woman, no matter how positive everything else is. I already have many positive things with my current wife, so it would make no sense to find someone else where that quality wasn't substantially different.

That's in sharp contrast to what I looked for in a woman when I met my wife. I figured the sex would take care of itself if two people loved each other and seemed somewhat sexually matched at first. Dumb assumption.

And as for your husband being 40, that's not a sufficient explanation for lack of interest. I'm in my late 50's, and I would like to have sex about 5-10 times a week. And I'm sure I'm not alone among men in their 40's and 50's, never mind 30's!

If you go ahead with your plan to reduce your libido, all I can say is, aya ya ya, what a waste! Many of us men dream of women like you -- just the way you are now!

I have a question for both Diana and patient. What are you doing to work though your sexual unbalanced marriage?

My wife and I are in a similar situation. We have a wonderful marriage except for our sex life. She could go the rest of her life without it and be happy. We went a year without sex. It was difficult for me- especially because she would not talk about it.

We are now talking about it and working through it. COMMUNICATION is the key. Are you talking about it? How are both of you dealing with it?

Please work with your spouse before you consider anything drastic. And just so you know clitoral castration will not eliminate your labido. It will only take away that pleasure. There are drugs (such as some anti-depresants) that have a side effect of decreased dex drive......but work with your spouse before you consider any of these.

Here is a link to an article you may find interesting. It is by Dr. Andrew Goldstein.

http://www.ourgyn.com/content/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=25&Itemid=1

MODERATOR: I have and do masterbate but it doesn't seem to be enough. lol without being crass the only thing I can think of when I try to explain such a high libido is "energize bunny" it keeps going and going. If I had my way, if I was selfish, round 2 and 3 would happen in the same day. It didn't use to be this way. I was married before (widowed) and 2 or 3 times a week was fine but lately in the past two years of dating and being married to Mark "Walking horomone" would prolly be an adequate description.

patient: thank you, it is good to know there are men out there still full of love.

yes he is very affectionate. He cuddles is attentive and gentlemanly, one of the few who still pulls a chair out and opens a door. He is very romantic by nature even when not trying to instigate intimacy.

husbandandwife: We have talked about it several times and he has told me he's approaching middle age and he's out of shape. He says he's gained 30 lbs since we got married (which speaks well for my cooking lol) and he just plain isn't in the mood every single day. Lately when I try to bring it up though he doesn't want to talk about it. He told me last time that we just keep going round and round the same subject and he's done discussing.

Daina, I think the reason you're a 'walking hormone' and don't find masturbation satisfying is that what you are really missing is intimacy. That's what sex does for couples. Getting your libido lowered is not going to fix that. And clitoral castration is NOT NOT NOT the solution. I can't imagine even considering such a thing! Especially at only 32!

Your husband can't be "done discussing" because you are partners. He CAN be done discussing in the way you have been discussing because it's not getting either of you anywhere. So what you need is a different way of working on the issue. Counseling might help.

He should also have a physical and start getting in shape. For his health if nothing else. Maybe you can workout together or take walks. If you're a good cook, maybe you can start preparing delicious low-cal meals. He's not 40 yet. He's young. Maybe slowing down a bit, libido-wise, but not packing it in yet!

Do you think there are other issues that may be dragging down his libido? Job stress? Finances? Worries about kids or aging parents?

Diana,

A strong sex drive AND cook well. I am jealous

It sounds like your husband is trying to distance himself from the problem. My wife did the same thing. She got frustrated with herself and in turn avoided the whole situation.

Find a good time to talk about it. Let him know that it is important to you and that you are willing to compromise. Don't let it go too long.

I agree with eva_m. See if he is willing to go to counseling. You should not blame yourself for a high libido. It is also not something that he should feel bad or ashamed about. It is a problem that both of you will have to face and work through together.

Daina,
It's like you have been describing me and my marriage EXACTLY! Well at least I am not alone and neither are you. It's amazing how far we would be willing to go to not have this be an issue anymore. The frustration is overwhelming. I too don't know what to do...I wish I did I would share the secret with you.lol All I can say is I feel your pain and I understand.

I hope you don't mind me horning in on your post and although I know this is really causing you distress I wish I could increase my libido. I want to want it more because I enjoy it and it makes our relationship so much better. I was just wondering if you are taking medication that may be causing this? Like I took wellbutrin for a while and it definately made me want it more but I was a total B while on it. My estrogen goes from reaaly low to really high during the month you obviously have no hormone issues. Please don't get mad at me for asking I just wish I had half of your libido . Take care