His and Her Health

Background:<BR>My husband and I have been together for 11 years. I have been sexually active for 12. I have never had much of a libido (interest in sex). I do have amazing orgasms with a vibrator, but I usually don't really feel like mast. I do have very detailed fantasies when I do orgasm. However, orgasm during sex is very, very infrequent. My husband is very loving and considerate and we have tried many things (if you can turn it on and it goes buzz, we probably own it). <P>My husband seems to have the biggest libido ever. He would love to have sex everyday, more than once. However, he no longer initiates as much as he used to because he became discouraged by my lack of interest. Due to turning him down so many times over the years, he doesn't try very often, he's afraid of the rejection. We have discussed this problem many times over the years. It is a very hard topic. He understands my lack of desire, but he still feels like it is his fault. I feel like it is my fault. and do the wheel turns. <P>Last feb. I switched from the pill (which i had been on for 12 years) to the IUD hoping that maybe my problem was the hormones in the pill. It did not seem to make any difference in my desire or interest level. I have not had children, so the IUD causes major cramps for about a week and a half each month. Also, now I have pain during sex. I think that the pain is centered around my cervix (where the IUD is). I've considered having it removed, but I'm not sure I want to go back to the pill, condoms are very uncomfortable, and we don't wish to get pregnant.<P>I feel like I'm whining here, but I really need to work on this. My husband and I have decided we can't have kids until this area of our lives is better (I'm 28) since kids will only take me away from him even more.<P>Oh well, thanks for letting me spout. <BR>

No one has answered, so here goes...<P>You're not spouting - it's a valid complaint.<P><BR>I'll do my best to come back and post when I can. In the mean time, you might browse some of the posts here.<BR>Hope you find some answers,<P>Greg, aka Distressed...<P>[This message has been edited by distressed_12345 (edited 19 December 2002).]<BR><p>[Note: This message has been edited by NEWSHE Moderator]

i tell this to everyone, i can only have sex with extra lube, or else it will hurt. and sometimes before we go for it, he'll stretch me out with a phallus that is a bit larger than his. he'll be very gentle with it and then we put it away and begin to proceed to attempt. you probably tried this already, but hey, why not bring it up. hope it helps....

What medications are you on?<P>Any depression?<P>The pain during sex isn't going to help the general lack of desire issues. Do you think that somthing like Astroglide might help? (This doesn't fix the root problem, but it might give us some idea what might.)<P>How is the overall relationship between you and the spouse? (I know, no relationship is perfect, but give us the general outline.)<P>Have you considered hormone tests? Knowing your total and free Testosterone, and Thyroid funtion tests, and SHBG levels would be helpful.<P>Do you think your current provider would be willing to do these? <BR>Lastly, what of the recommended books are have you read - that will give us some idea of your knowledge level in regards to FSD.<P>I can really relate to your husbands feelings. In short, we feel we show and feel love via our sexual relationships. When we feel close and loved, we want to have sex. If we can't have sex, or feel "shunned," we are out of equilibrium, and then move emotionally away from our partners.<P>Well, I don't have time for much more. We're glad to help more, should you reply.<P>Best wishes,<BR>Greg<P><BR>[This message has been edited by distressed_12345 (edited 26 November 2002).]<BR><p>[Note: This message has been edited by NEWSHE Moderator]

Besstech,<P>I took oral contraceptives for just 2 years and they totally killed my libido. Actually my libido was never "high", but it did exist to a small degree. I switched to an IUD for other reasons. Back then, I never made the connection between BC pills and libido, nor did I know my libido had anything to do with my hormones. I always thought my lack of libido was "in my head". <P>7 years later and still no libido, I started researching and learned about hormones and all the ways they effect us. I had a hormone panel done and found out my testosterone was very low. I've been using a 4mg topical testosterone cream from a compounding phcy, and it's working! <P>It hasn't given me a raging libido, but what I consider to be a healthy level for me and my husband. I also feel better in general, have more energy, feel more confident. Women need a sufficient level of testosterone for many bodily functions other than libido.<P>As far as my IUD, I had more cramping when I first got it, but now I hardly know it's there. If you feel pain from it, you might want to have the doctor check its positioning. Don't wait 7 years like I did thinking your hormones might straighten out. Also I highly recommend the book Natural Hormone Balance for Women by Uzzi Reis. Good luck!

greg et el,<P>i just wrote very lengthy answer for all of you, but for some reason it didn't post. i don't feel like going through it all again right now, so i'll post back later. thanks for all the support and kind thoughts.<P>-bess

I am currently trying to build up the courage to make an appointment to once and for all force my HMO to test me for testosterone levels, etc. My husband (with whom I've been for 11 years) finally confronted me with the fact that we have a "sex problem". Though I have known from the beginning that our libidos didn't match, I guess I just hoped that as he aged, he'd "get over it". Ha. My libido is nill. I don't think about sex, don't plan sex, don't really want to have sex when it comes around. I do, sometimes, (usually in the morning on the way to work), think about the idea that I should try to be intimate with my husband when I get home...I need to let him know that I find him attractive and that I still care deeply for him, but by the time I get home, I'm not interested...at all. Over the years, I've gone through many avoidance stances, so as to evade sexual encounters.<P>Ok, here is my question: Leaving behind possible physical reasons for my sexual lack of interest (which I know I need to be assertive about with my HMO), I'm wondering how much of this is in my head. A bit of history that I think might be useful:<P>My first experience with sexual intercourse occurred at the age of 16. I was "deeply in love" with a boy who said he wouldn't have sex with me because I was a virgin. So, being the "smart" girl I was (ha), I called up a friend of mine whom I knew to be quite loose and told him I was coming over before my weekend job. I showed up. We had a 2 minute sex session using, of all things, saran wrap (god-what was I thinking) and then I went to work. No big deal. Or so I thought. I eventually did have sex with that boy I thought I was after, but there was no love there...just sex. I then tumbled through various sexual relationships. I thought I was a very open, liberated, smart girl who knew what was up. I was on the pill, I used condoms, I talked to others about safe-sex and how important it was. I've often tried to figure out what the heck I thought I was doing. (How I never managed to contract a disease is beyond me.) <P>I never felt "turned on" or really very interested in the act of sex itself, just that I felt that if a guy wanted to have sex with me, it must mean that I was sexually attractive ( I remember thinking that the greatest thing to be was "sexy")...as soon as the boy became attached (which in most cases didn't happen since they were usually one night stands), I was outta there. One year later (yes, one year and 11 partners later), I met my husband. We dated for four years before marrying and to this day, I love him more than the day before. Yet I still have trouble with intimacy. Sex is not, as woman supposedly are supposed to feel, a time of great closeness. It is instead either something I do for him, or if I am actually enjoying it, I'm not really there...I'm in uber-fantasy land (my fantasies do not ever contain myself or my husband). Over the years, I have found myself recoiling from sexual advances from my husband, this has effected his self confidence and willingness to initiate.<P>I guess what I'm worried about is whether I have some sort of control issues going on here. Or if my early skewed vision and experience with sex and sexual relationships have permanently messed me up.<P>Ah, well, I know, I should go seek counselling. My husband has agreed, though reluctantly, to going, but I'm afraid. I don't want to open pandora's box. <P>Thanks for being an ear,<BR>Bess

I'm going to get a reply to you, but haven't had the time yet.<P><BR>My general take, being a guy who doesn't put lots of faith in phsycological counseling, is that psychological issues might be a part of the issue, but my gut feelings are that they are only some of the issue - if any.<P>You should get your HMO to test <P>* Prolactin / PRL (A blood test that measures the amount of the hormone prolactin.)<BR>* Thyroid Function Tests (TSH, Thyroxine/T4)<BR>* Testosterone<BR>* Free testosterone (Not radioimmunoassay but equilibrium dialysis if possible - sensitivity and accuracy is better.)<BR>Radioimmunoassay is not nearly as sensitive and accurate as equilibrium dialysis. For very low levels, E.D. is much better. Radioimmunoassay is used by many labs and is probably cheaper. If getting an ED assay is important to you, you should specifically ask for it.<BR>One of our forum posters, says. "Quest in their California lab does the gold standard, free testosterone by equilibrium dialysis."<BR>* DHEA<BR>* DHEA-S<BR>* Androstenedione<BR>* SHBG (Sex Homrmone Binding Globulen)<BR>* DHT (dihydrotestosterone)<P>I'm not sure how the formatting went.You can email me in the meantime if you have questions. (Or click on the envelope at the top of my posts - I suspect this post will be moderated...)<P>More later,<BR>Greg<P>[This message has been edited by distressed_12345 (edited 19 December 2002).]<BR><p>[Note: This message has been edited by NEWSHE Moderator]

I promised, but I'm going to welsh on that promise a bit - I only have a few minutes...<P>Adressing the psychological issues...<P>I can easily see it the other way round...of course, perhaps I'm just a moron too. *grin*<BR>Perhaps you've never had much libido, and your active sexuality was just a way to be close to your partners.<P>Let me expand on this.<P>If this theory is right, and remember it's simply a theory - I'm just throwing out ideas...<P>If this theory is right - it might be psychological, but caused by primary low desire. You want the sexuality that you "hear" about that's powerful and wonderful. But you don't seem to "feel" that same power and urge. You think you need to manufacture it, and thus try over and over and over with several partners to see if you can find it.<P>You never did, and decided you ought to marry this wonderful man, and hoping that the marriage would "create" the desire that you didn't have.<P>None of these things worked, and your next approach was to simply avoid the sexuality that you felt was lacking...<P>So, yes, it could be psychological, and perhaps counseling would be good. But, in this case, the primary source of the psychological problem may be a physical one. <P>(I'm sure that there are those who would tell me I'm nutty here, but this IS my *opinion* - so take it as you will.)<P>Now, if you don't find a solution to this "supposed" primary physical issue, perhaps counseling would be helpful to dealing with living with your situation. But, I think the primary task would be to address the sexual issues directly, hopefully with a good FSD provider. They will deal with the psychological issues in tandem with the physical.<P>Anyway, this theory is probably way out there, but I thought I'd simply run it by you, so you might see how I could come from a direction that is completely opposite from yours. (i.e. Psychological causes of sexual disfuntion vs. Sexual/Physical causes of psychological distress.)<P>Anyhow, hope all is well - I would love to continue this discussion.<P>I'll wait to hear from you.<P>Greg<BR><p>[Note: This message has been edited by NEWSHE Moderator]

Thanks again for answering.<P>What you said has a lot of merit and makes a lot of sense. I have an appointment on jan 14 with an OB/GYN and I'm going armed with the list of tests you suggested and those from some books I've read. I think I'm also going to see about going back on the pill...even though many say it lowers libido more, it didn't raise my libido to be off it for a year, but instead the iud gave me horrid cramps all month long and made my periods last about two weeks...thus only making me feel grosser and less interested in any sexual experience...<P>The plan is for me to take a friend of mine (who actually stole my health card and made the appointment for me since I was lolligagging around about it) and have her there for support to make sure I ask the right questions and don't get "bullied" into thinking its "no big deal" or all in my head again.<P>Thanks again for the support, I truly appreciate it.<P>-Bess

oops I accidentally posted

What I would also suggest is to have a brief list of questions for your dr. so that you do not forget to ask those questions you want addressed.

Thanks Iam. That is a very good idea. I've already begun visiting a therapist (one whole session) and now I'm dealing with guilt that I really don't need one. That nothing is really wrong with me and I'm just a whiny baby. Next session is next week, will fill her in on these feelings...don't expect for them to go away, but I'm going to keep working on this. Note to self: This IS important. I do need this.<P>bess

Why do you feel guilty about not needing a therapist? Just curious.

Iam,<BR>I'm not exactly sure...maybe just because I feel like I'm whining...waa-my sex life isn't perfect...waaa-aren't I a sad sight...I know, it's silly