His and Her Health

Maybe you can give me some advice...
My girlfriend doesn't want to have sex. We're both in out 20s and we used to have a good sex life but ever since she moved in with me 4 months ago things have been going downhill. At this point we hardly have sex at all. Maybe once in 3 weeks. We used to live in different cities, so we met up usually once or twice a week for a couple of days and made love even several times a day. But now when we live together it does happen more rarely and rarely. Now I think even once a month.
At first she told me that she doesn't want to have sex in the bedroom because it's too casual and that's where she sleeps, so she gets sleepy. And she tells me that we cannot do it in anywhere else because we have flat mates. Well, we hung out on our own for a week in another cool apartment and it didn't matter for her. Then she tells me that she doesn't feel sexy in her home clothes. She talks a lot about changing her looks. She cut her hair short which I think it's very cute and sexy. And she felt like that too at first but now she tells me she feels like a house wife with the short hair. I think only time she feels sexy is when she's drunk. And that's also practically the only time we have sex by now. I think she's beautiful and I tell her that and that I love her but it doesn't seem to matter. Of course I thought that the problem could be me and I asked her about it. She denies that it has anything to do with me and it's just that she doesn't feel sexy and sex even doesn't come to her mind. She tells me that I'm very attractive etc, And she tells me all the time that she truly loves me, so it's not that she doesn't want to be with me. Frankly it's probably me that has begun to feel more remote from her and maybe she has noticed and feels insecure? It's just that we're not so intimate any more and I think that tears us apart. She told me today that she feels like that too. We argue way more often and it's just feels different. She also told me that she doesn't know what's going on and it's a problem for her - she knows that she likes sex but she just has so low libido in some reason. Well, she didn't used to have that. She cut off the anti-pregnancy pills long time ago because she thought that's maybe a reason why she is depressive and has low libido. But it wasn't probably that because the issue is there more than ever. It drives me pretty crazy because I have a high libido. And I don't want to sound that our relationship is only about sex. It's not. Just that now when we don't have it at all I feel that we're fading from each other and are not intimate any more. We do cuddle and hug sometimes but she tells me all the time she doesn't want to have sex. I'm not obtrusive at all, in fact I begun to feel insecure myself because I begin to assume that she doesn't want to have sex anyway, so I don't even want to try any more. I think she was pleased with our sex life and she has told me that a lot, so it's not that she didn't enjoy it.

I don't know what to do. Any help is highly appreciated... I feel that this might lead us to break up if nothing changes..

I was hoping someone else would post. If I were you I would read other posts here from boyfriends and husbands. We get similar posts all the time. Your girlfriend has to decide for herself to do something.

Hi jonathan399, your experience sounds very similar to mine. My wife only ever seems to feel sexy when she's drunk. I know she loves me but I think she has a low self esteem regarding her body after 3 children. I think she still looks fantastic and is still hugely sexy but she does not.

We probably go 3 months between sex on average. Like you I'm hoping I can find some advice or support here as I really miss the active and loving sex life we used to have before the children.

I just had to login i've been living this too and boy is it ever annoying..

It's called bait 'n switch,you were looking for a girlfriend..a wife.It went good than bam she switched from pleasing you to pleasing you when she feels like it..ah...

It just sucks..we all got to understand they won't always feel the need to do it at the same time or support BUT they should understand that sometime we do actually want and NEED to choose that time..

Did you talk to her about it..have i?

LOL i think we did..it's irritating i told her that if i wanted to wank myself i would of stayed single AND that if i would of wanted only sex i wouldve choosen a whore..which i not want but..what can we add.. :confused:

Not going to force her..im deceived peace to all of you its so stupid that we have to get information here when they could understand..we do,why not them..

<small>[ 07-25-2009, 09:36 AM: Message edited by: Moderator ]</small>

I didn't much understand the post above. However I get the bait and switch comment. This may apply. You are too young and too new with this woman to have such infantile excuses get in the way of sexy time. Whatever you fix, there will be new excuses to prevent sexy time. Sit her down for a good talk it is near certain you will find she feels "trapped" or other crap i.e. not ready to commit to you long term. You take it from there.

I´m guessing your girlfriend doesn´t feel sexy or attractive and that´s why she avoids sex. This happened to me when I moved in with my ex - I suddenly felt dowdy and housewifey and thought that he wouldn´t notice if I dyed my hair blue. Anyway, feeling like that is a killer to women´s libido.

You sound very attentive and caring. What I´m going to tell you is what I´d like my husband to do for me whan I feel down myself. Ok, you need to romance your girlfriend - talk, walks in the park/beach holding hands. Chat over a nice home cooked candle-lit dinner. Offer to give her a (non-sexual)massage. While doing all this, DO NOT make any move on her. While massaging her, tell her that she´s very sexy but you are only going to massage her and she doesn´t need to feel pressured to have sex. You need to get her to relax and feel sexy and reactivate her sex drive. After a few days (or weeks) of this intimate behaviour (with no pressure for sex), chances are she´ll be wanting to pounce on you!!

Don´t feel bad about wanting sex and intimacy. It´s a natural part of your relationship and it hurts a lot when it doesn´t go well.

Just make sure to make your girlfriend feel that you want intimacy with her as part of the sex. As we all know, most men can see sex and love as quite different things, while many women cannot separate the two, and resent it when they feel they are preforming some "service" for the man, without intimacy and tenderness.

Best of luck, and let us know how it goes

hey saoirse, I think what ur saying is totally right...


I have the same problem currently and My gf and I been dating for 5 years... living together for 2 years... lately she just sayd that whenever I we have sex, she feels like she is just servicing me... and also she started to dress up a lot whenever we go to school because she says that she wants to look still attractive to other people.

I know she only loves me, but of course this situation is hard to put back on the right track...

confused and just trying to put some distance between us now, and only try to see her when I actually have a romantic plan for us... hope this helps..

I have the same problem except I am the woman. We've been together for many years and my sex drive was excellent before I met him. We love each other dearly and are best friends but we are barely having any sex anymore and this is just because I do not want any, I do not need it, I don't even think about it because when I do, it makes me realize that I lost something really precious and it makes me very sad. It also makes me very sad that I am making my husband suffer and feel terrible and inadequate for that. Although we have made it until now, the sex drive started going down only after 1 year or so from when we started dating. I feel like some part of me is dieing and the only way to try to fix it or stop it would be to actually split up (if it is not too late) and try to date some other person (although don't even feel like doing that eider) to at least know if I am screwed up for ever, if it is me or if it has to do with being with someone for so long just does not work for me. We had many talks over this, the sex part, how to improve it, what to do etc but at the end of it all this is not the problem. It is a mental problem in my case, not a physical one and it seems that after all these years of trying, we are back at square one.
I have spent my 20s over this and so has my husband and now his sex drive started to go down too and I feel responsible and enraged that I let this go that far. I am so affraid that he will become like me, it is terrible... I love him so much that I told him I will stick by him even if he would like to go with other women... what can I say? I am unable to provide for my man and can't let him become like me. I was crying my head off while saying that and he was laughing saying that I am so silly, he would radder have a sexless life than do that which would lead to us splitting up eventually.

Now, many months after we finally stopped beating around the bush and examined the situation again. What are we if we don't have sex but love each other and want to be around each other? We are best friends and that's pretty much it. He, of course, wants sex but after many years of this tango he also came to the conclusion that we are wasting our life away trying to work at this. We are looking around us and all we see is divorced couples or people that stick together but are not having sex anymore and they joke about it when in fact it is terrible or couples that cheat on each other and make it last. This is what we've obseved over a span of 9 years together but we only brought this into the equation now after looking at it in retrospect. We are seriously asking oursevles if being together with the same person for ever and keeping the sexual flame awake is even possible.
At this point, we talked about remaining friends as we are and even continuing to live in the same house until something better shows up and helping each other, respecting each other. This way we are not really loosing each other because we don't want to. After all, we do love each other and I feel that we always will. I do not regret spending all this time trying because I feel as though this was the lesson of my life. Maybe some of you can spare yourselves the trouble and your youth and learn from my experience if you feel that it applies. Recently I have read an article about marriage and how people are reconsidering if this should even be part of our society... this just tells me that we are not alone and in fact it seems to be a growing problem.

In case some of you guys wonder what you can do to still try to improve the sex drive of the partner, this is what I can say if your lady has not completely lost it like me:
For me, sex started out pretty good, and then it started becoming boring and it seemed as though it was something that we were supposed to do as a loving couple and then it transformed into something that I am supposed to do... servicing as some here have said. Women (at least the ones I speak to) like to be razzled dazzled and love the feeling of anticipation that leads to more. It is not the quantity but the quality and it is mostly in the head, that is why everything counts. To be honest, appearence counts the way you speak and carry yourself counts, the way you dress, the way you smell, everything. You cannot be grumpy all day long for whatever reason and then be sweet for 10 minutes because you feel like having sex and expect it to work. We are complicated creatures, stuff sticks in our head. At first it may seem that we want quantity too but this finnaly leads to boring and monotony after a while. It seems as though it is that feeling of anticipation that builds inside and finally brings a pleasurable sexual experience when that happens. How to maintain and always bring back that feeling??? We obviously have not figured that out orelse I would not be writing here but I feel like this is what it would have taken for me to not loose my sex drive. Be romantic, and that does not have to be bringing flowers but doing things like in the movies... I realized while talking to some friends that we may be programmed by those romantic movies that we see on TV and we get the idea in our head that this is how love and sex should be, intense romance, passion and all the fireworks and then we are dissapointed by anything short of that. Do something out of the ordinary for her that she will remember, something passionate if she still wants you a little bit, it is not too late. I will always remember one of my ex-boyfreinds while I was showering, jumping in the shower all dressed without a care for his beautiful clothes as if he could not wait a minute longer... every cell in my body lighted up to that one. Be createtive and don't ask her what you can do... it is sweet of you but if she tell you exactly what to do it is ruined anyway, she won't be surprised and it won't work.

Know that you guys are all wonderful just for coming here and trying to fix it.
I hope this helps. Love to all.

Before you give up, get your hormones checked. A woman shouldn't need flowers and romance every time she has sex. If your body isn't wanting regular orgasms there's probably something off there.