His and Her Health

Hello, I am a newbie here who is desperate for some insight.

I will have been dating my boyfriend for two years come the end of April.

I'm 24, he's 28.

Our sex life has never been great, though, we have had SOME great sex.

But, over the months, it seems to have went from mediocre to almost non-existent.

For quite a while now, my boyfriend has preferred oral sex.

I indulged him frequently for quite some time, as I also enjoyed it.

It was fun and fine for a while, but, at this point, he expects oral sex without giving anything in return.

He has never been a very affectionate boyfriend, which, I learned to deal with. I understand that not everyone is touchy-feely.

This situation has brought about many conversations and many fights.

At first I felt as though he wasn't attracted to me, which, he denied was the case.

At this point, we have sex about once, maybe twice a week. I almost always initiate it, and it almost always begins with me giving him oral. It almost always ends in me finishing him by giving him oral, also, ALTHOUGH, he has no problem ejaculating from sex, when he wants to.

When he initiates, it is always by trying to get oral. He never initiates regular sex.

When we do have sex, it seems forced, and unpassionate. Although, not entirely unsatisfying or unenjoyable.

We almost never make-out, which is a big turn on for me, whether it's during sex, or not.

We have watched porn together in the past, which was successful, and have even played with each other using our toys. ( I own a vibrator, he owns a Flesh Light. )

He has a self-proclaimed stocking/lingerie fetish, both of which I own, and occasionally use to get him in the mood.

During our discussions/fights about this issue, he often throws out the, "All you want is sex!" line, which, is just ludicrous, and also accuses me of not "trying" to get him in the mood, which, is also untrue.

I often kiss on him, hug him, rub him, cuddle him, all of which gets brushed off.

This year he had a hernia operation, and knowing full well that we would not be able to have intercourse for some time, I hinted around that I would have liked to have sex a few times before the surgery. He put forth no effort toward this.

During his down time after the surgery, we had taken to stimulating each other with our hands, and giving each other oral sex. ( During this time was the most oral sex from him I've ever received! ) We had more "sex" during this time than any other time since when we first started dating.

As an example, and what prompted me to seek out some insight to our problem, tonight he came to visit me to watch a movie. We laid in bed, snuggled up while watching. He kept hinting that he wanted oral, and after the movie was over, I obliged for a short while, and then told him that I wanted to have sex, to please myself, before I finished him. He told me, "As long as I don't have to move." In other words, he wanted me on top. I declined, as I have a hard time reaching orgasm in that position. I continued to try to get him to have sex with me, sprawled on the bed nude, and he just made the excuse that he didn't feel good. ( We have been sick, but, when I asked him earlier in the day how he had felt at work, he said he had felt fine. ) Frustrated, I told him to just forget it, got dressed, and sat at the desk next to my bed. After a few minutes, he, frustrated & resigned, told me to just get back in bed. I declined, again, politely, and completely turned off by this point, to which I was met with this gem: "Just come get in bed, or I know you'll just go get it somewhere else." I told him, "That's the way to get me back in bed." And, that was the end of that. ( Note: I have never been unfaithful to him. )

Now, tonight happens at least once a week. He wants oral sex, I try to initiate regular sex to at least get myself off, and it bombs. He doesn't want to have normal sex.

I know that he looks at/watches porn while he's at home ( We do not live together. ), and sometimes I wonder if this is contributing to the problem. But, I am hesitant to ask him about this, because it might make him defensive and prone to lie about how often he does it.

I am 99% positive that he is not seeing anyone else, as he leads a pretty quiet, predictable life; He goes to work ( Where he often messages me from his phone ), goes home, and plays an MMO that we play together, during which we also message each other, then, goes to bed. When he's not at work or home, he's visiting me.

Other than the lack of affection and sex, we have a good relationship. He's my best friend, and we have lots of fun while spending time together. We play games, we watch movies, we roughhouse, and we go out once in a while, and we're both content.

I just don't understand what is going on with his lack of desire to be intimate.

Any insight/advice is greatly welcomed & appreciated!

Talk about a WALL of text, THANK YOU for reading if you got this far, and, if you didn't...

TL;DR - Boyfriend prefers oral sex over regular sex, and often will refuse/make excuses to please me. Isn't affectionate, or passionate, even during sex. Has a strong stocking/lingerie fetish. Possibly looking at porn to the point that he isn't wanting sex?

Hi Sanri,

I did read your long post and wanted to thank you for sharing- i posted something several days ago too, please take a look at that- it is also both in the mens and womens forum ...

If you dont mind my saying, it seems that I am coming across a lot of situations where men are displaying very troubled sexual problems/dysfunctions. My own partner included... my situation puzzles me as well - and i can relate to a lot of what you have expressed- i think one of the reasons why my sex life has totally died out (i wont explain everything again here, please reference my post to get the background - the post in the mens section has slightly more info) is because my husband initially too, only wanted oral sex- for a while i also indulged him not getting any thing back in return- then i started to put my foot down and subsequently the oral only for him also died out - now our intimacy is so infrequent - once every couple of months ... everything is on his terms...

I really wish i knew what to tell you - other than i am so sorry and totally understand your frustration .... i feel like there should be a support group for women in our situation ... i love my husband dearly and would be heartbroken to let him go ... but it is also heartbreaking for me to stay with him ... we are currently at a crossroads - very soon time will tell what happens ... most of the time these days, i am expecting the worst, but praying for the best ...

Are you sure he's not gay? Just asking.

You're only 24 and you're not married to the guy and you don't have children. I don't recommend you stay with him. It's not like things used to be fabulous and now he's having some kind of problem you want to get to the bottom of - your sex life has NEVER been great with him.

What's "going on" is, gay or not, he is not and never has been into making love with you and it's getting worse because it's a strain to keep up the pretense. Why would you sign up for a life with someone who cares about your happiness so little?

Lot's of gay guys love to have a female best friend to play games with, watch movies with, go out and be content with. Nothing wrong with that. But don't expect the full deal from him.

this is a very good point

i guess what i can say is... perhaps if i knew beforehand that my husband would be so unsatisfactory in our intimate life, its very likely i would not have married him ...

sometimes now i feel stuck ... we agreed not to have sex until we were married, so there was no way for me to know - now sometimes i regret that decision... but i thought it would be a good way for me to make certain my husband was into ME and wasnt just marrying me because of sex ... but it didnt quite work out for me that way...

eggplantsprout, I did find your post while browsing the forums after I had posted. In fact, I found MANY posts regarding some form of our problem. What the HECK?! LOL!

I completely understand how you feel about not wanting to let your husband go, I feel the same of my boyfriend. I love him to death, and I try to stay committed no matter what, but, I am aching for the passion I once had in my life!

eva_m, can anyone ever be SURE of that? The people we love can surprise us in many ways, unfortunately. You can never really know someone 100%. But, no, I don't necessarily think he's gay. He's had a handful ( Less than me. ) of sexual partners ( All women that I know of. ), and has only dated women. His best friend is a young man between our ages, who he was rooming with ( They shared a house. ) when I met, and who moved out to move in with his current girlfriend. I lived with them for a short while before everyone moved out, and nothing seemed fishy between them. They're good pals who've known each other since high school, and they get on great.

So, no, him being gay has never crossed my mind, except out of some paranoid desperation in order to find out what is wrong with our sex life.

I know that in my situation, I am lucky to not be married to him, or have children, as if I decide I am ready, I can just walk away. Marriage & children is not something we have even discussed.

eggplantsprout - Support group sounds like a great idea, LOL!

a lot of people have asked me whether or not my husband is possibly gay, which is not something that is out of the question - my husband is fairly open minded and flexible and because he is an artist, people have always teased him about beng gay - hes been hit on by a lot of men... and he never really seems to be bothered or threatened by it ... so i dont think that him potentially being gay is a problem- someone like my husband probably would have admitted it by now if he were ...

Sanri, I admire your courage to remain committed... i have always found our lack of intimacy very hard to swallow ... initially i hadnt really taken divorcing him over this very seriously.... but lately, as i said, we're at a crossroads and at this time the outcome can litterally go either way ... sometimes i feel like i am ready to let go and walk away and other times i just feel like all this cant possibly happening ... what sucks most is that i am in a different country ... all of my family resides in 1 and i am in another... so i am very alone... my mother calls me every single day at the same time on the dot ... in all honesty, this is probably one of the hardest times in my life ever ...

despite our problems, like you two, my husband and i also have had amazing mindblowing passionate sex with one another ... so i know the potential is there... for us, there seems to be some possible cultural issues - most people tend to think that there is a problem with how involved his mother has been in our relationship... culturally, his mother tends to think she has a "right" to be overly involved in our marriage- this is something i have always staunchly rejected...

the reason i bring this up is because i wanted to ask you if there are possible cultural issues in your relationship? ....guilt? family? religion?

i really do feel like i need a support group... this has been causing me a lot of mental pain, anxiety and depression... sometimes i feel like there is no hope for us, and this is a very upsetting thought for me ... i have sort of reached a rock bottom in my life...

its nice to talk to you and know that i am not alone .... do you have hope that things will change?

all the best

I don't feel as though there are any outside issues interfering with our sex life such as those you suggested. Neither of our families are overbearing. No guilt about anything, and we're both unaffiliated as far as religion goes.

I am so sorry to hear that you're not near your family, that sucks. But, it's good that you have your mom to talk to. Do you ever share this problem with your mom, or is it something you'd rather not discuss with her?

Our problem is not easy to handle in any way. You're constantly left wondering why this is happening, and if you should just give up & let go. It sucks. And, it's not an easy topic to talk about, whether it's with your partner, or a friend, or a complete stranger on the internet.

There are so many variables to this type of situation, sometimes it's hard to distinguish what has to do with what.

It's such a confusing issue.

At this point, I have very little hope for a change, as I feel we have been up & down, in & out about this same issue for a long time. He knows how I feel about it. I've tried talking, I've tried yelling.

I know that if I REALLY want some sex out of him, I can throw on some lingerie or pop in a porno, but, I don't feel as though I should have to put on a damn show just to be able to get sex out of my boyfriend.

He is very rarely spontaneous, exciting, or passionate about our love making, when we finally do have it, to the point that I rarely get very wet. When the time comes, he just shoves it in. Yeah, that's a big turn on, guy.

I can't say that he doesn't get into it when we do do it, but, even then it's on a low level.

At this point, my only plan is to just start withholding as much from is as he does from me. I'm not indulging his oral desires without getting mine first, and I am not going to approach him first for sex.

Basically, I am going to play hard to get. I am going to switch roles, from the "Seeker" to the "Sought."

When he wants it, he'll have to come to me, and show me a damn good time before anything actually happens. ( Foreplay, dammit! )

I don't know how, or if this will work, but, let's just consider it an experiment.

I just to be honest with you ... i dont know if witholding from him is the best idea if you want to keep the relationship going ... if you do, be prepared for any outcome- ... i say this because it was also my plan to also withold assuming he'd come to me - my husband even told me to allow him to come to me instead of me continually seeking it out from him... but when i left it to my husband, it backfired on me, because he never approached me ... we went almost 4 months without and it was horrific... i never brought it up with him, i never fought with him about it... i basically waited in our bed every single night month after month ... often cried myself to sleep ... but over that time, that is when the very deepest of my resentment against him started building - it was after this period that i really started fighting with him- and i know now that i can get very very nasty- admittedly, i have at times even gotten verbally abusive with him...

if you want to keep your relationship going, keep the lines of communication open with him - and dont stop trying... you need to open up calmly and deeply and talk about how this effects you and that if he really wants you around, he has to do his part to keep you there -

I would like to suggest couples counselling to both of you.Also a physical check-up for the men to see if they have a low testosterone level.

fair enough, but how does one actually get a man to their doctors office to test for their testosterone levels?!!

an honest conversation about all this is hard enough for them to do... much less getting them to see a doc about it all! any suggestions?

Thanks for the advice, eggplantsprout. I am aware that it could backfire, but, like your husband, my boyfriend also seems to be turned off by the idea that I am always ready & willing.

I promise you that while trying my idea, I will not let it go too far.

Unfortunately, I've already suggested couples counseling to my boyfriend during one rocky part of our relationship, and he declined. I ended up going to counseling by myself ( It had to do with issues I have as an adult because of the way I was raised as a child. ), and even with just me going, it has helped our relationship.

I highly doubt he would agree to counseling ESPECIALLY if he knew it had anything to do with our sex life, LOL.

As for the physical check-up, getting him to the doctor is like pulling teeth. He's only been to the doctor enough to get a hernia taken care of while we've been together, and before all of that, he told me that he hasn't been in a very, very long time. It doesn't help that he has a full blown phobia of getting his blood drawn.

Well, the weekend is nearing, and soon we will be spending a couple days together. ( He usually comes to stay for the weekend, Fri-Sun. ) I am always excited for the time we spend together, but, I am especially anticipating this weekend to see if anything exciting happens. He knows I've been upset with him as far as the bedroom goes, and I've been being short with him when we talk. ( Not in an angry, or aggressive way; I just haven't been doting, or OVERLY loving/adoring. )

We'll see if he can take the hint, LOL.

Originally posted by Moderator:
I would like to suggest couples counselling to both of you.Also a physical check-up for the men to see if they have a low testosterone level. Testosterone check is a simple blood test. Nothing more.Nothing embarassing. No touchy feely. No taking off clothes, etc.

Originally posted by Sanri:
It doesn't help that he has a full blown phobia of getting his blood drawn.
LOL.

Originally posted by eggplantsprout:
we agreed not to have sex until we were married, so there was no way for me to know - now sometimes i regret that decision... but i thought it would be a good way for me to make certain my husband was into ME and wasnt just marrying me because of sexI don't understand that reasoning. If he was interested in just the sex, he wouldn't marry you. If he's interested in sex AND interested enough in marrying you, isn't that exactly what you'd have wanted? I have not even heard of a man who felt he had to marry someone to get sex. These days, a man of almost any age can have sex by just dating. A good percentage of women expect and want sex by the 3rd date, for example.

Today in America, I'd be very suspicious of anyone (especially anyone well past high school age) who wanted to wait until after marriage to have sex unless it was for clear religious or cultural reasons. Otherwise, I'd seriously suspect sexual issues such as, phobias, inability to be aroused, unresolved sexual abuse issues, suppression of gay interests, etc. I've just heard way too many stories of women who have trouble turning years of sexual suppression into sudden passionate and responsive sexual activity on their wedding night. It just doesn't happen that way. And that goes double for men.

Originally posted by eggplantsprout:
fair enough, but how does one actually get a man to their doctors office to test for their testosterone levels?!!

an honest conversation about all this is hard enough for them to do... much less getting them to see a doc about it all! any suggestions? It seems that if a man doesn't want to go to the doctor's office, it's just another manifestation of the larger problem in the first place -- lack of willingness or interest improving the relationship.

So I wouldn't generalize to all men. I can't talk enough about the issues in my marriage. If only my wife wanted to talk about it! And if I had trouble with erections, etc., my doctor would be the first to hear about it.

It's interesting that we demand immediate medical help to reduce intense pain, but many are too reluctant to seek help for achieving intense pleasure. Which goes to show how deeply puritannical some of us are.