His and Her Health

I also posted this in the mens sexual health forum. It seems the womens health forum might be more active, and I am really searching for advice/insight. In any case, here it is:

Apologies in advance for the length of this post, but I am at my witts end with this problem and it is tearing my husband and I apart.

I love my husband dearly and have been desperately trying to search for solutions for years now and am now starting to feel like I am wasting my time. We fight all the time now and we have gotten to the point where both of us are just sick and tired of fighting. Both of us are starting to give up. Just tonight I told him that he holds all the power to change things. If he doesnt want to fight with me all the time, he knows that there is one thing that he could do to entirely change our relationship. I am deeply insecure, bitter and angry all the time - but if you ask anyone who has known me for a long time, they will tell you that I am none of these things.

I have tried almost everything. Everything I have read has told me to speak to him kindly, to show him my vulnerablity, to try counseling, to be the one who makes all the moves. Now all I do is attack him. I am not only frustrated and heartbroken, but I am bitter and angry. I get twinges of jealousy when I see others happily married or hear of women in my extended family getting pregnant- never ever in my life have I ever been someone who becomes jealous over others happiness- so these emotions are very disturbing to me.

I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years now. He was deeply in love with me when we met and extremely attracted to me and he was very persistent in pursuing me. We agreed not to have sex until we were married and held to that. Our first month and a half together as a married couple were just fine. But about 6 weeks into our marriage, he stopped coming to bed with me. Since then, I have been feeling heart broken. We are now coming up to our 4th year anniversary. People ask us why we dont have children, which is a very painful question, for which there is a very logical answer, which of course, I do not share with others. Since that 6 week point, our sex life slowly deminished, from 2 times a week (as a newly married couple), to once a week, to once every other week, to once a month, to litterally going months and months without. I tried everything- I was slim and beautiful at the time- I was very confident and sexy. I had great lingerie- something I invested a LOT of money in. I am open to watching porn, I am open to all trying anything and everything in sex, i am extremly enthusiastic and have a fairly high sex drive. About 2.5 years into the marriage, I litterally gave up trying to initiate, because most of the time I faced rejection and would just start crying. Since then, I have gained about 40 pounds and just dont take care of myself. My self esteem is at an all time low. Before me, my husband was involved in other relationships where his sex life was normal. I just dont know what is wrong with me- with us.

One would ask why I have stayed with my husband despite these serious problems. This is a very big part of life to miss out on. But my husband doesnt want me to leave him. He tells me that he loves me deeply and would be lost without me and has no idea why he just cannot get into the sex. He has said many times that he is attracted to me. He gives me everything else- he is kind to me, he is attentive to me, he cuddles me, he kisses me, he tells me he loves me. My husband is a VERY good person; extremely kind and soft hearted. We live with his parents - we moved in with them after getting married with the plan to move out but couldnt move out because he lost his job at the very beginning of the recession and hasnt had a steady job since. I was convinced that these were the reasons (unemployment and living with his parents) particularly because his mother, though very sweet, has too strong of a presence in our relationship - and she has a very powerful effect on his mind; frankly she treats him like he is 12 - sometimes I have complained that I feel that there are 3 people in this marriage. When we get away, which is not often enough, things always seem to improve, including the sex - we went away for a month together over the summer and our sex life improved greatly and we got along better - there was such a spark between us - suddenly he started making advances at me, touching me, and flirting with me with intent to take me to bed. When I got my period, he expressed disappointment - a FIRST!!

When we got back, things were good between us for a month. But very quickly they died out and spiralled downhill VERY quickly. These days, things have turned desperate. We are just not getting along at all. On my part, it is because I am angry and resentful- living wtih my in laws for so many years (having a good relationship with them on top of it), and not getting any intimacy with him out of it. I feel like I have compromised to my breaking point- without getting anything in return - i dont mean to sound selfish, but marriage has to be a give/take, and i feel like i have been too patient for too long. I cannot stop fighting with him. I am constantly on the defensive and am attacking him, and now he is totally fed up- he has lost his will to fight for our marriage, and I have lost mine. I dont want to loose my husband because I love him very much and I know he loves me. But now I think, if things havent changed already, maybe they never will. I am trying to convince myself of things I know arent true, like deminishing the importance of intimacy and sex in a marriage.... I just wish i could make things work with THIS man - I love him deeply, but I dont know if there is any hope left? why would my husband have absolutley no sex drive for almost 4 years? is it time to leave? maybe I am in denial... maybe I am afraid of being alone? I am trying to cling onto any bit of hope that things can become normal between us... maybe i should let it go and move on with my life? or maybe there are solutions?

Any and all insight from both men and women would be very much appreciated.