His and Her Health

With my wife entering menopause and on a host of other medications she has NO interest in sex. From everything I read this is normal and I am patient. Some sources I read state that without activity vaginal atropy will take place thus making all future sex very unpleasant.
1. is this really true meaning our sex life is over?
2. about how long of no activity must pass before this atropy begins?

There are articles on menopause at www.ourgyn.com and www.redhotmamas.org with Karen Giblin,a menopause educator.

Moose: I'm definately qualified to give you some advice. I've been in menopause for three years and have struggled with sexual issues the whole time. Here's my two cents from someone who's been there. There are lots of new sexual problems brought on by menopause and they catch most women off guard. Changes in body image, vaginal dryness, difficulity in becoming aroused and reaching orgasm are very common problems. My guess is that the problem you are most concerned about is her lack of libido. All these things are related and it will help if you're mindful of the big picture and that lack of desire is just part of the challenge she's facing. Just remember, this isn't in her head... she's not rejecting you and it isn't her fault that she's lost her libido. I'll bet she hates this as much as you do.

Having said that, this absolutely doesn't mean your sex life is over. You just have to find what most of us call the "new normal". You don't mention what medications she's on, but there may be ways to adjust her meds to lessen their effect. An example is anti-depressants and some blood pressure medications. They are libido killers for women who are producing estrogen, for menopausal women they're even worse. I would ask for alternatives. Also, there are new hormone replacements using safer bioidentical hormones. If she has the proper medical history, she may be a good candidate. The bottom line is that you might want to make a trip to the doctor to discuss aleviating some of her symptoms.

When you do have sex, you'll need to add some "products" to your bedside table. A good lubricant (I like Astroglide) is an essential. If she's never used a vibrator, get one. You may need to change your schedule for sex. Mornings are usually better than evenings and it will just take longer for her to get there. I never really asked for back rubs and romance before, I was always quick to arouse, but I really need it now. I would recommend she consider Zane's diet (you can find it on this site), especially the high dose fish oil. I really think it's helped me. Also, there is a natural suppliment called Arginmax that has increased my libido and you can get it online or at GNC stores.

Secondly, you guys need to really talk about this in a loving, non-judgemental way and you need to let her know you understand her. Remember, menopause is biological and is actually nature's way of permanantly closing the baby factory. As much as I hate the changes in my body and the frustration it causes, it can be an exciting time in life. Now that the kids are gone and we have privacy and time to spend alone, I'm enjoying our relationship more than ever.

There's lots of help for you here, I know what you're going through. Feel free to ask any other questions.

Eva, did I miss anything?

Thanks for the insight Shirlr. I wish my wife were as interested as you but her outlook is that it is too much work. It is much easier to let nature take its course and whatever is to be will be. I am hoping that somewhere down the road nature will help me out. I know there will be no intercourse in our lives for a while and I am wondering will nature use atropy to to make intercourse simply a memory.

Moose, if you don't fix this problem now you won't have to worry about vaginal atrophy. You won't be having sex, period. This problem isn't going to correct itself in time. The drop in libido after menopause is permanent for most women, it just doesn't magically come back without intervention.

It sounds like your wife has made a decision to end your sex life. The only way to solve this problem is for her to want to change that attitude. She needs some supportative counseling with someone who's well trained on dealing with sexual issues, mid-life ones in particular. It's hard to find good counselors, there are a lot of bad ones out there, but it would be worth the effort. If you can gently talk to her about seeing someone, ideally a female therapist who's gone through menopause herself, I think it would help. She also probably needs some medical intervention. Until I started doing research on menopause I felt like I was the only woman in the world going through this. Everyone hears about "the change" and hot flashes, mood swings, etc., but I had no idea it would affect my sexuality to this extent. I can completely understand how you wife feels, sometimes it just seems like a lot of work.

However, what kept me searching for answers was that I was not going to let a wonderful 30 year marriage to a man I deeply love go down the drain. And, I didn't want to give up MY sex life either. Sex has always been very important to both of us and while I doubt he would leave me if we weren't having sex regularily, it would definately change the dynamics of our relationship. Not something I wanted to happen.

Has your wife talked to you about how she sees your future together? Does she assume it will be without sex? That's the question to ask.

I think your wife could benefit from some medical intervention and some support from a trained professional. But, she first has to want to make things better for herself, and for your relationship.

I wish you luck, I know how hard this must be.

I am constantly amazed by the number of posts I read from people where one person has "just decided they're done with sex." As if it was something that only affected themselves. Like I just decided I couldn't deal with having long hair anymore. I really don't understand the attitude at all. It would be like suddenly saying "Yeah I know we used to be Catholic, but we're gonna be Buddhist from here on out." Or "We're now vegans and you better not let me catch you sneaking a burger when I'm away either."

How can someone who supposedly cares about you just decide that you are going to have to go without physical intimacy for the rest of your life? What goes through their mind when you tell them it's important to you?

My husband was heading that way himself, but it was important to me to keep it going and he's really worked with me and started taking Viagra because he wants me to be happy.

I don't think I could go without sex for the rest of my life, no matter how much I love him. It may sound horrible to say, but I know myself well enough to know that it's true. Eventually it would wear down our relationship.

<small>[ 04-14-2006, 05:45 PM: Message edited by: Moderator ]</small>

Working on a sexual relationship is a two-way street. Be a supportive partner by educating yourself and then openly discussing the issues with your loved one. Recognize the symptoms that may be affecting your sexual functioning as a couple.

She may be having a host of menopause-related problems that effect sexual desire: hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, heart palpitations, fatigue, headaches, vaginal dryness, painful intercourse, weight gain.

Encourage your partner to get help from her doctor, exercise more and watch her diet. Support her by exercising with her and preparing light meals.

Don't take it personally or develop resentment due to her loss in desire. She has not lost interest in you... she's having hormonal fluctuations that may be causing some of the problems. Don't just give up on sex or find another partner. This will have a devastating consequence on your relationship. Don't be afraid to show your love and concern.

Moose,
You've probably figured it out by now. Your sexlife as you knew it is over. It may be biological for her, but she will have little interest in sex. Forget what the relationship books say, you have a 1% chance of succeeding. Yes, you should work on your relationship ad love your wife, but it won't bring sex back. So make your plans.

We're all responsible for our own happiness. So, when you get extremely frustrated, take matters into your own hands.

I know it may seem like the end of your sex life but I disagree with Verywhite. It is not something you should just accept. There are things you can do about it! You definitely should not abandon all hope.