His and Her Health

I will be 53 tomorrow, have been divorced several years, and have found a wonderful man who knows how to treat a woman, having been born into a family with 5 sisters and having raised 4 girls. He has been a swinger in the past, but now acknowledges that that destroyed both of his marriages and pledges fidelity to me. He is very enamored of me and says that I have given him new hope in life.<BR>My problem is that I am very squeamish about oral sex. I have had the problem through two marriages and several affairs. I don't mind as much giving him pleasure in foreplay this way, but he wants to perform it on me and I can't relax to enjoy it. Also, I don't like to use slang words in describing sexual matters, a product of my upbringing. In all other ways (positions, locales, etc.) I am very open to explore, and he says I'm the best sexual partner yet. I guess I am afraid that he will tire of my reticense and our sexual relationship will go stale. Is this an unusual situation?

I understand exactly what you are talking about. Perhaps it would be easier for you if the two of you both gave and received oral sex simultaneously? Take some of the focus off?<P>A glass of wine may also help things. Also, perhaps if he manually stimulates you first and then does it when you are almost at orgasm, it might feel more comfortable.<P>I suppose I shouldn't be giving you suggestions to attempt something that makes you feel uncomfortable. I belong to the "Green Eggs and Ham" school of sexual experimentation, especially with something like this that has the potential to bring you so much pleasure.

Hi lep, Happy Birthday!<P>"My problem is that I am very squeamish about oral sex..... I can't relax to enjoy it."<P>What exactly are you squeamish about? What are you thinking during oral sex?<P>"Also, I don't like to use slang words in describing sexual matters"<P>Do you mean that you don't like to use slang words when discussing sex with someone or that you don't like to use slang words as part of your sexual activity?<P>Mavis

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by mavis:<BR><B>Hi lep, Happy Birthday!<P>"My problem is that I am very squeamish about oral sex..... I can't relax to enjoy it."<P>What exactly are you squeamish about? What are you thinking during oral sex?<P>"Also, I don't like to use slang words in describing sexual matters"<P>Do you mean that you don't like to use slang words when discussing sex with someone or that you don't like to use slang words as part of your sexual activity?<P>Mavis</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>As to the second question, I don't enjoy using slang or "dirty" speak during sex, preferring anatomical or clinical descriptions. As to the first question, part of the problem is not feeling comfortable about vaginal odor. There is probably more to it though, having more to do with having set a certain set of "proper" behaviors in my psyche all of my life. Let's face it, probably only a small percentage of women engaged in oral sex before the sexual revolution. I am not against change -- far from it, as I am an artist and have always been a free thinker, rejecting society's mores as a hippie in the 70s. Actually none of my previous lovers or husbands seemed to mind my reticence until my most recent situation. Actually a boyfriend I had before the "keeper" came along pressured me into in once, and that may have been part of the psychological hitch. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am interested in knowing if there are any other readers who have this "problem".

I do to some extent. It makes me feel very vulnerable. Men can feel this way too.<P>But having a partner interested in it is a nice problem to have.

Happy Birthday,i am way past 65 and enjoyed oral sex, on me ,for the first time when i was in my early 60's. I was very hesitent but i trusted my mate .i had the same fears as you.Remember your boyfriend wants to do it and will not be turned off by natural body smells.Be open to him about your concernes.Talk to him about your feelings.Hope you can get more advice about this.Try it once.Just let it happen.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2"><BR>I do to some extent. It makes me feel very vulnerable. Men can feel this way too.<BR>But having a partner interested in it is a nice problem to have. <BR></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just wondering if you'd give some clairification on this Zane. "you do" what? I'm not sure what this was a response to...not that it matters, just curious.<P>BTW, as someone else said recently... "You rock." I agree. It's true. *Really!*<P>We're different, and if we had to live together, we'd probably kill each other. *grin* But truely, your unfettered advice and giving are great to see. Thanks!<P>Cheers,<BR>Greg<P>Also note, I am *not* a doctor, and this is not intended as medical advice - Please talk to your doctor about your concerns.<BR><p>[Note: This message has been edited by NEWSHE Moderator]

I do have this problem. It makes me feel shy and worried about my performance. It takes me a long time to have a clitoral orgasm, probably because I have too many of them on my own. Also with a clitoral orgasm at least for me there's a feeling of vulnerability and being dominated, giving the man too much power. For me it takes a tremendous amount of trust. But if I don't have an orgasm the man feels disappointed, and rightly so.<P>That's why I like vaginal orgasms--no performance anxiety, no trust issues, takes the pressure off. It's also something I do, rather than something I have done to me--it's me doing the flexing, and as long as my partner is standing at attention, I can have any number of them. Or even if he isn't.<P>And Greg, that's the pot calling the kettle black--I can't believe how much time and energy you put into helping women with this problem. I appreciate it.<p>[This message has been edited by zaneblue (edited 05 August 2003).]

Zaneblue, I don't quite get the connection about the difference in your vulnerability feelings in the two types of orgasms. Actually, I haven't had vaginal orgasms since I was in my twenties - thirties. I have to "help" my partner in order to have clitoral climaxes since I fear I have become "addicted" to a vibrator. Perhaps all of this is tied to trust issues because of the problems I had in my 17-year marriage to my second husband and the father of my children. Of course, all of that is old water under the bridge, and believe me, I have gone the route of getting many years worth of psychological and psychiatric counseling. Like many girls brought up in traditional southern families, I did get some self esteem burdens from my father's macho attitudes and my mother's (then undiagnosed) bi-polar controlling nature. It has taken much of my life to understand that my high achievement oriented personality was really a mask for feelings of incompetence. I have come a long way, but I suppose my sexual difficulties stem from trying to be in control. I am not totally dissatisfied though since the mere act of making love and foreplay is very good for me. Like you, though, I would like for my man to be happy that he has satisfied me more than I have helped myself. I am tempted to try to find a source of marijuana, even though it is murder on my lungs and I don't especially enjoy it. The one time with the former lover that I did indulge in oral sex and orgasmed, he gave me a few tokes to take the edge off. Maybe I can acclimate and wean off the use of pot after a few times, huh?<P><BR>

Oh, if we're talking about substances to take the edge off, I definitely recommend damiana. Works well, it's legal, and it's available at your local drugstore.<P>Control is a difficult issue for me too. <P>You can break the vibrator addiction. Keep trying for lower settings, do as much as you can manually and use the vibrator as little as possible to finish off, cut down on the length of time spent masturbating and the frequency.<P>I know, because I've quit oh, say ten times! I'm like a chronic smoker who keeps quitting. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by zaneblue (edited 06 August 2003).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by lep:<BR><B> As to the second question, I don't enjoy using slang or "dirty" speak during sex, preferring anatomical or clinical descriptions. As to the first question, part of the problem is not feeling comfortable about vaginal odor. There is probably more to it though, having more to do with having set a certain set of "proper" behaviors in my psyche all of my life. Let's face it, probably only a small percentage of women engaged in oral sex before the sexual revolution. I am not against change -- far from it, as I am an artist and have always been a free thinker, rejecting society's mores as a hippie in the 70s. Actually none of my previous lovers or husbands seemed to mind my reticence until my most recent situation. Actually a boyfriend I had before the "keeper" came along pressured me into in once, and that may have been part of the psychological hitch. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am interested in knowing if there are any other readers who have this "problem".</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi lep,<P>I think talking during sex is a turn-on, even if you use the proper anatomical terms.<P>If you want to start using slang, it might be easier to start by whispering it very quietly. That might sound a bit mad, but I think it's a turn-on being with someone who is whispering sexy things to you, even if you can't hear it all. If you felt comfortable with that you could work on raising the volume.<P>Re oral, I think it's possible to change how we feel about things, i.e. if you think about how uncomfortable you feel, then you are reinforcing that feeling. If you say to yourself that vaginal odor smells bad, then you are reinforcing that. <P>If you want to change how you feel about oral, I suggest never thinking negative thoughts about it. This IS difficult but it can be done. <P>You need to replace negative thoughts (e.g. the odor is bad) with positive thoughts (e.g. I smell fabulous & sexy). In the beginning you can use these thoughts as affirmations and repeat them over & over to yourself to keep negative thoughts out and also repeat them several times a day until they seep into your subconscious.<P>You could also focus on the hopefully pleasurable sensations of receiving oral rather than on feeling uncomfortable.<P>Don't forget that some guys really love giving oral. They find the view, the taste & the smell very, very sexy. If your guy wants to give you oral, chances are he's one of these guys.<P>I do understand that you are looking for someone with the same "problem" as you. I have not needed to change my feelings about oral, but I have used the above to change my feelings about other issues, so I thought it might be helpful.<P>If Allowingtoo is around, she might be able to help you on this, as she knows a lot about the power of the mind.<P>Good luck.

Lep, Mavis is right. Many men LOVE to give oral. My husband, for example, offers (and wants) to do it all the time. It is a HUGE turn-on to him. You should be thankful your guy wants to do it instead of being one of those guys who finds it distasteful.<P>Even after 9 years of marriage, I, too, can get self-conscious (about smells, particularly), but it's so enjoyable to me that I've been able to get around that feeling. My husband would perform oral anytime, but I personally don't feel "clean" unless I shower right beforehand. So, that's my MO. <P>I've never experienced a vaginal orgasm by itself, unless it's been in conjunction with a clitoral orgasm and I guess I wouldn't be able to tell since the whole thing is very powerful. But, I don't feel like a clitoral orgasm by itself is any less meaningful. On the contrary, it's incredible, especially when it happens during oral.<P>As for control, I don't care how good of a lover I have, I am always in control because I won't orgasm unless I tense my muscles in a certain way and am extremely turned on.<P>Finally, one thing that was not mentioned (unless I missed it) was hygiene. I always feel much sexier if I've shaved or waxed my bikini area and trimmed a bit. I can't get into oral unless I've primped a bit. Sexy lingerie can help take your mind off the squeamishness, too.<P>Hope that helps!

rubenesque is right - take a shower right before any sexual action, and you will feel much less "dirty" down there. Give special attention to that area so that it is extra clean, and maybe also to get to know it and be more comfortable with it. Any guy I know loves to give attention to our most private parts I have a question though, I love recieving oral sex but I have never once had an orgasm that way. I only ever have clitoral ones when I am on top, with or without penetration, and only at a very specific angle and speed. Is this because my boyfriend is doing it wrong, or is it my own emotional/physical problem?

My SO has no problem giving it to me, and has expressed the desire to have me "return the favor". I have not yet for fear of taste (bad taste, etc.) and that my sensitive gag reflex will cause me to give him something I really don't think he wants to end up with. Any suggestions/ideas?

In Lou Paget's book The Big O, she instructs exactly how to do this using one hand at the mouth to completely control the depth of penetration. It's a very effective technique for both control and pleasure. Also tell your partner not to move, to let you do all the movement so you are in complete control