His and Her Health

I am a 25-year-old woman, and my boyfriend and I are planning on getting engaged soon. Because of this, I feel that it is time to address a problem that I've been pretending doesn't exist for a long time.<P>The problem is that I have no sexual functioning. Please don't misunderstand in that I have no desire to have sex, because I do, but there is no physical response: no arousal, no particular enjoyment (at least not any more so that one gets from a passionate kiss), and no orgasm. I have been sexually active for seven years and have had 22 partners, but I cannot become physically aroused. I remember becoming physically aroused once for perhaps 30 seconds to a minute when I was 16 years old, but it never happened again. I kept seeking out new partners, thinking that perhaps it was just the man's fault or that it needed to be someone I loved (and yes, I have been with someone I was in love with and committed to) - after all, I kept hearing how great sex was supposed to be!<P>When I was 22, I found out that women have orgasms. Prior to that, based upon personal experience, I thought that only men had them. So with my next long-term boyfriend, we worked very hard on trying to make that happen for me, but it never did. It was actually more annoying than anything...sex - with him or anyone before or after - was like, "would you FINISH already so I can watch TV or something?!" After him, I only had one more boyfriend before the one I'm with now, and I had given up on sex at that point. It was a chore - it was like paying my dues in the relationship. I had tried and tried and tried again - and it just didn't WORK...it's like if all your friends tell you that rollerblading is soooo much fun...so you try it and you are so bored you could die - and they tell you again "no, it's really fun!" and you try it again and it's still a big yawn, but you don't give up so you keep trying it - and you eventually relize, "hey, ya know what? rollerblading ISN'T fun!" ...except with me, it's sex - not a recreational sport that I can't enjoy.<P>Between my last boyfriend and current one, I was alone for about nine months. I never thought about sex. I love my new boyfriend very much and want to marry him, but I can't face the idea of sex with him. I know that it doesn't work...I know that I'll do it anyway for him...but I hear about other women enjoying it and it breaks my heart. I want to be able to share that with my new husband, and I can't. <P>Yesterday, my newly-divorced sister, who is now single for the first time since she was 15, came to me looking for advice on how to satisfy your libido when you're single. I said I didn't know what she was talking about, and she said that she wanted to know what I do about my sex drive when I'm not dating anyone. I told her that I want to have sex sometimes, but that I don't get physically aroused, so it's no more of an issue for me to want sex and not be able to have it than it is to want to watch TV and not be able to. She said, "well, don't you like to have orgasms?" and I told her that I've never had one...that I've never experienced any physical sexual response in my life. She had this look of pity on her face as if I had just told her I have terminal cancer.<P>A little medical background on me: i am on the pill and have been for 5 years. I also take medication for clinical depression. However, this problem began before I was diagnosed as clinically depressed or started taking the pill. In the past few years, I've tried assorted antidepressants, tried going off the pill, and tried going off all medications completely - and none of these things allowed me to have a physical sexual response.<P>I can't keep living like this. I feel like I'm broken...and like my future husband isn't going to be getting a "real" woman as a wife.I've been in tears as I write this because it hurts so bad. <P>Is there any help out there?

I hope that too much time has not passed that you have not gotten married and are yet even more depressed. I cannot imagine how you feel yet I can understand the not feeling a thing feeling. I was that way with my first husband. I could not stand having sex with him. I would feel the urge to vomit. But it was because he was abusive. I think you really need to talk to your prospective hubby and let him know how you feel. Maybe you two can seek some help before you put the rings on. I would really like to think that you are an intelligent woman and want to be happy, and that you want your future husband to be also. Please talk to him. All my best. Katya_35

I know it has been like 6 months since you wrote your post, how are you doing now? Any changes? Any new ideas? Just wondering because I feel the same way you do! I am wondering what my problem is too! If you found out anything please let me know

CindyM-
I am there with you 100% I have always considered myself "broken." I have never enjoyed sex before, but long to more than I can say. I dream about it and have tried like you... but I don't feel it has anything to do with our partners. It is us. I don't know how to "fix" it either, and if I could afford to go to the Bermnan Center I would. You are not alone. I am doing some research (as I have for YEARS) and am going to continue to search out for answers. I have discussed these issues with my parner of 6 years, and he understands, but it doesn't make things much better. We are now no longer seeing each other, and I rarely think about sex because it is so dissappointing. Let me know if you get any good leads!

Cindy and NoLibido...

I have a similar, although not as drastic, problem. While I do have a libido, I cannot reach orgasm. Never could. I am on antidepressants, but it has been going on long before. Silly thing is, I am a virgin. My boyfriend and I do everything else, and I do enjoy it all, but nothing gets me to "that point." I get shaky, but then it starts to hurt from the swelling. And, it takes me around an hour to even get that far!!! My boyfriend is so wonderful; he keeps on touching, licking, doing whatever it takes, but it just doesn't happen. I hope someone with the miracle cure comes on here and advises us all in the right direction!

I don't know if you will ever read this since it's been so long since your post. I am in the same boat as you. I can only imagine what sex feels like. I get no pleasure from it. I do not get aroused or anything. I feel him inside me, but that's it. From what I hear you, its supposed to feel good. It is really difficult when you have a man in your life that you love. I have been faking it for 5 years now and it's becoming more and more hard to continue. I fantasize about how sex must feel. It's so frustrating! Makes you feel less of a woman, inadequate. The last time that I felt anything pleasureable was when I was 14 years old. Me and this guy was fooling around, he fingered me and It felt soo good, I actually orgasmed. That was the last time for everything, I am now 29. I also do not have much nipple sensation. You might as well say that I am a virgin! Sometimes its depressing because sex is all around us now days and I cant experience it.

I thought you said in the other topic that you could orgasm from oral? You really have to stop faking! That is only making you feel like a failure and reducing the chances that you'll ever figure out what works for you.

Can you climax from masturbation? You are very much misinformed if you think that you're supposed to climax from intercourse. Some women do, most do not. And you're not doing your partner any favors by giving him the impression that he doesn't have to work to pleasure you. The first thing is for YOU to learn how to please yourself. Then you'll know better how to guide him.

If you've been faking for 5 years, it's going to be hard to come clean. It may end your relationship - he'll feel like you've been lying to him. And you have. Someone here suggested not actually confessing to faking but rather gradually tapering off the faking and then acting like there's something that's changed in you and you need to look for new ways to find satisfaction.

I'm urging you to take this seriously. Do you really want to go through your whole life faking? You seem to have convinced yourself that you're defective, but I don't see evidence of it. You're just not getting the kind of stimulation you need. Get it!

Once again, eva, you're right on - I couldn't have said it better! I am constantly amazed that so many women still think that if they can't have a vaginal orgasm something is wrong with them. It must be the way sex is portrayed in books and movies. Look at all the problems and pain this causes. Geez.

Try exploring what feels good all by yourself. Men know what feels good because we masturbate a lot. Even when we're married.

Ok I am no doctor however I suggest getting completely off antidepressents, going to a female owned and run sex store. Putting aside all preconceptions of what sex as been for you, buying a vibrator (A good one is the pocket rocket and it does not involve insertion) and experimenting with masturbation until you achieve an orgaism. Try using the vibrator to circle your clit... That usually works for all the women I have been with. After you get off you will be hooked....
have fun hope all goes well for you and your future hubby.

CIndyM - it's women like you that make me feel like I'm not the only one. Thank you for sharing your story.