His and Her Health

My Husband and I will be married for 3 years this May, but we have been together for 10 years (we're high school sweethearts). My husband doesn't want to have children right now, but eventually does later on down the road. I, however, have absolutely no desire to have children ever, for many reasons. My Husband and I have such a wonderful relationship, and he's so supportive, caring and loving to me. I don't want to disappoint him, and/or cause strife in our marriage, later on in life when he wants to have children and I don't. How can we come to a happy medium? Is there even a way?<P>[This message has been edited by Police Wife (edited December 25, 2004).]<p>[This message has been edited by Police Wife (edited March 29, 2005).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Police Wife:<BR><B>My Husband and I will be married for 3 years this May, but we have been together for 10 years (we're high school sweethearts). We started to have sex very early in our relationship; sometimes with condoms and other times without. Well, we got pregnant when we were 18 years old. We actually wanted to have the baby, but our Parents, particularly my Mom, would not hear of it. Being brought up in a conservative Christian home, a baby conceived out of wedlock was completely wrong and out of the question. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I finally decided that it just wasn't the right time for a baby, so we terminated the pregnancy, which we felt was the best thing at that time. It was awful. My Mom and his Parents (who paid for it) were with both of us throughout the entire process. The procedure itself was horrific. I can still feel the excruciating pain, hear the suction sounds, and at one point I looked over and saw the device and what was being taken out of me. It seemed to take forever, and it truly was an experience that I will NEVER forget. I'm still consistently haunted by it, but my husband provides me with the best support and understanding. I couldn't handle this without him. I know of many women that have had abortions (some more than one) and are not emotionally affected by it, but I just can't let it go. Now we're married, older and established. My husband doesn't want to have children right now, but eventually does later on down the road. I, however, have absolutely no desire to have children ever, for many other reasons, but particularly because of this. How can we have a baby now that we're married and established, just because it's the "right time"? I feel extremely selfish and guilty to even consider having children, because we never gave our baby 9 years ago a chance, due to “bad timingâ€

please stop being so hard on yourself for a decision that was made for you so many years ago...the relationship that you describe that you have with your husband is so special and rare why should either of you be deprived of a child? why should a child be deprived of the love and stability the two of you would provide? if the abortion is the main reason you don't want children, please reconsider...I had two abortions as a teenager, they don't haunt me as your does, but every april & august around the day that would have been their birthdates i think my baby would be 20 years old know etc i give myself that one day to grieve, guilt myself etc and then i gone on with life because nothing i do, no matter how hard i beat myself up can change what happened on those two days...if you don't want children period, cool don't have any many times i think i would be a better aunt than a mother but please let it go, you've beat yourself up long enough and trust me the best time to have a baby is when you plan it, when the time is right, back then it would have been a struggle for two teens even teens in love. be happy.

Thanks Biggie. I really appreciate your reply and for sharing your experiences with me. I know that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but is not easy. I am much better now as the years have gone by, but I too get very troubled when that "anniversary" comes around, and I also think about what could have been. I totally agree with you that a baby should be planned, and maybe down the road when we're older and a little more stable, we will decide to have children. I just can't do it right now. Thanks for your support and take care. <BR>Police Wife

Dear police wife, sorry I printed your question in my name. I did it by accident and reported it right away to have it removed. What I wanted to say was that you're not ready yet. Take time, when your husband starts hinting, by watching the health channel pertaining to birthday. It shows child birth,pregnancy,etc. It may stimulate your feelings of wanting a child. If not, you're just not ready or it may not be in your cards. The point is,with the passing of time, people change. You just never know. Right now I wouldn't worry about it.

Thanks Joseph. I totally agree with you.

Police wife, first don't be hard on yourself about the termination. I know what you are talking about, and I know what you are going through. Try writing a letter to the "baby", and that will help you deal with the feelings that you still have burried inside. Second, if you are not ready to have a baby, then DON"T DO IT!! Babies are a lot of work, and take up every second of your life, I know, I have 3! So unless you are completely mentally ready to have a baby, don't do it. It will be hard on you, your husband, your marriage, and monst importantly, that child. Good luck !