His and Her Health

My husband and I have not had sex in over 2 years. It started when he began to have problems maintaining erection, then it went downhill from there. He blames everything on me, of course. <P>I wonder if he's having an affair with someone. Could he still be impotent after 2 years? He is considerably overweight about 45 pounds and is on blood pressure medications. Oh, he's also an alcoholic.<P>

Alcoholism and blood pressure meds can both cause erectile dysfunction. He shouldn't be blaming you.

As Zane said, it's almost certainly his issues that are causing his impotence--not you. And, there's no reason to think that his impotence would just "go away." Impotence, unless properly treated, isn't usually a temporary thing. A change in lifestyle, at the very least, would likely be needed to undo that if it can be undone. His blood pressure issues mean he's likely not a candidate for things like viagra, though he could look into penile injections.<P>Many men lose interest in sex if they have erectile dysfunction. It's mentally very hard on them, and often they'll want to displace the blame onto someone else. As your husband is an alcoholic, this is even less surprising. Since you don't mention him being a "recovering" alcoholic, I must assume he's still drinking. Alcohol can definitely cause impotence, and alcoholics often don't take responsibility for themselves (as I well know, having been raised by one).

I have found pornographic magazines in his top drawer so he must still be interested in sex, right? I've found these magazines before and they all have the same theme -- group sex. It's really disgusting and I mentioned them to him but he just ignores me. <P>So my next question is this. Why, if he's impotent, would he be interested in pornography? Are impotent men able to get an erection looking at this material? Can a guy ejaculated or whatever when he's impotent? These are too embarrassing to ask a doctor.

Many men with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation are interested in porn because it's non-demand. They don't have to worry about being embarrassed with their lack of ability to become erect. A man who's impotent isn't necessarily asexual, but he may be uninterested in sex with a partner due to fears of failure and inadequacy. He may also be able to get an erection, or at least more of one, with pornography than with a real person for these reasons. Fear and anxiety make both PE and ED worse, and are a vicious circle. Again, that doesn't exist with a magazine. Erotic materials allow him to be sexual without those fears. And yes, many impotent men can ejaculate. Counseling may help this, or it may not. It depends on if his impotence is based on physical reasons, and if he can (and is willing to) change those physical things.<P>Group sex is a COMMON male fantasy, so there's nothing particularly strange in him looking at those particular situations in his erotica. He may also feel that his inadequacies wouldn't be so obvious in a group situation, and that his parter would be satisfied regardless of his problem.

If you are like many women, an erect penis in the vagina isn't the only way, or even the main way, you can be pleasured. Let him know that there are many ways to please you. A few fingers or a tongue never lose their ability to be erect, so to speak.<P>That might still be a hurdle for him, as he might think of these approaches as "poor substitutes", or things that only inadequate men have to resort to. But emphasize that you would have liked these other methods regardless.