His and Her Health

My qeustion Is how do i deal with reoccurring thoughts of my wife pleasureing herself alone by herself ? These thoughts have been bothering me since my wife made the comment to me : Well their will be times when i have had a bad day and won`t want to be with you and will just want to go off and take care of my tensions by myself. This comment was made during times of anger i know because of problems in our marriage, but the thoughts just keep coming back and are causeing more problems in our marriage. I belive their are times when self pleasureing is a must, such as when one or the other is simply unable to perform due to sickness or other reasons . I also believe that if their are two healthy people who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives with each other and are able to perform sexually, their should be no reason for why one or the other should want to go off and be by themselves. I fully eccept and enjoy watching my wife masterbate as i do the same for her.we both enjoy doing this for each other "together". How do i deal with these reoccurring thoughts.

By understanding that sometimes we need to do things by ourselves, for ourselves. It's normal. What's not normal is sharing everything we do with another person. We all need some privacy. Do not make her feel bad for doing something that is entirely normal and healthy.

I agree fully we do need some privacy in our life .And my wife has that.I have told my wife that i do not want to make her think badly period about self pleasureing herself if thats what she wants to do but i myself cannot accept this. My wife has read what i wrote on this sight and she agrees fully with what i believe , but still i am haveing difficulty getting the thoughts out of my mind about self pleasureing alone . I don`t want to think this way at all , and would like to think differently but my thoughts simply won`t allow it.

I agree with pacman. If two people are getting along and sexually healthy then there is no reason for one of them to go off by themselves.

If one of you feels they have to go off and satisfy themselves, then obviously there are problems in the relationship.

Just because most people go off by themselves doesn't make it normal. If two people love each other, are in a healthy relationship, work together to solve problems and are physically satisfying each other then why would either of them need to go off by themselves. This should be the normal. Their would be a lot less divorces if couples worked together.

That's not true at all. Men and women masturbate for all sorts of reasons, even if they are completely happy with their partners. It is a safe and healthy way to add variety. As a matter of fact, those men and women who fantasize and masturbate the most are the ones who report having the most satisfying sex lives with their partners. And it might make you feel better to know that men and women most commonly fantasize about their current partner while masturbating.

The fact that your wife masturbates does not mean she does not love you or is not attracted to you, and it is unlikely that she is masturbating instead of having sex with you. Sometimes men and women just want to have a quick orgasm or relieve stress without worrying about pleasing their partner. It is similar to just wanting a quick bite to eat to relieve hunger, as opposed to preparing a full meal.

Almost everyone likes to masturbate by him or herself at least occasionally. This, in and of itself, is not a reason for concern unless you make it one.

I don't agree at all, eds40. Masturbation is different from sex. There's no pressure, no need to think about someone else - it's just a few moments when you can have a bit of private pleasure with no fuss. It's no substitute for sex or intimacy - it's just an indulgence, like eating a piece of chocolate or taking a hot bath.

I love my husband and we have sex frequently. But I don't think I would ever completely give up self-pleasuring. It's a private thing just for me and doesn't take away from him in any way.

It's only a problem if someone starts doing it excessively or while avoiding intimacy with their partner.

Pacman, you are having trouble with these thoughts because you see her self-pleasuring as taking something away from you. Is that really true? If you have a satisfying relationship, I would really try to let go of this and let her have a little privacy. Otherwise over time it will eat away at your confidence and she'll start to feel smothered.

You're a couple, but you're also two separate people. Having some spaces in your togetherness is healthy - just like a forest is healthier if the trees aren't so close together that they choke off the light.

I understand the points that both conner and eva_m are making, but for conner to tell pacman it's not normal for him and his wife to share everything wasn't right.

Just because they are doing something different, doesn't mean it's wrong. pacman isn't saying his wife is masturbating, he's saying that he feels she is. His wife feels the same way he does about masturbating, but when they weren't getting along she had made the comment.

Now that they are working things out, she feels the same as him. She only went off on her own because they weren't getting along.

If both people in a relationship agree with something then why should someone else tell them they are wrong or not normal.

What is normal anyways. All different societies and religions have different beliefs on things, so how can we say something is normal if it isn't normal for all religions and all beliefs.

What might be normal for one person may not be for the next. Well pacman is reaching out for help with something that is bothering him, he shouldn't be being told he's not normal. He's looking for advise, not critisism.

It's causing problems in his marriage. He doesn't want to think this way and is asking for advice on how to stop thinking this way. I explained that it is healthy for his wife to do this and that it doesn't mean there is something wrong with their relationship, and that she may in fact be thinking about him while she is doing it. I wrote these things to help him see it from a different positive viewpoint than the negative one which is causing problems in his marriage.

You, on the other hand, said it means there is something wrong with their relationship. This simply is not true and you are not helping him by saying this.

pacman isn't saying that his wife is masturbating he's saying he feels she is.

The problem comes from him feeling that she is and she gets upset with being accussed of something shes not doing. She now understands that these are thoughts he is trying to control and is trying to not let them bother her, but it does hurt that he's having trouble trusting her.

She feels the same way about masturbating as he does. If you are sexually fulfilled with your spouse then their is no reason for you to sneak behind your spouses back to masturbate. If you are then something must be missing or wrong in the relationship. She used to go off and masturbate when they were fighting a lot, but now that they are working things out she doesn't feel the need to go off on her own.

He used to go off and masturbate by himself as well. Neither of them are doing it now, but he can't stop thinking she is. This is the problem. He's thinking shes doing something shes not doing.

He's looking for advice on how to gain trust that she isn't going off behind his back anymore. She doesn't know how to help him believe her. When they are together everything is fine, but he works night shifts and that is when the problem starts. When he's at work he starts thinking these thoughts, and he gets upset. He wants to believe his wife, but doesn't know how to stop the thoughts.

I'm not saying their is anything wrong with his relationship. Their relationship is open and honest, they do things together, but they do have times when they do things alone. The problem comes when he starts thinking shes doing something shes not doing.

"having trouble trusting her" "going behind his back" - You make it sound like masturbating occasionally is the same as cheating. Pacman is looking for a way to get over feeling upset about his wife's occasional self-pleasuring. Talking about it as if it's abnormal in a loving relationship or as if it's equivalent to having sex with another man isn't really helpful.

Pacman needs to understand that masturbating occasionally is a perfectly normal human activity and that it does not necessarily mean that there is any problem with the relationship or that she is unsatisfied by him or taking away affection from him or wishing she had someone else. For many people it's a completely separate thing - just (as Conner put it) a quick bite instead of a full meal. Some people (myself included) find that the more sexually satisfied I am by my partner the more I think about sex (because it's so wonderful) and masturbate because they're so sexually charged up.

Just because a culture or religion has taboos about it doesn't make it not a natural human behavior. You've assumed that he's against it because of cultural or religious reasons, but he didn't say that. He may feel that his "manhood" is threatened - fearing it's her way of saying he doesn't satisfy her. It doesn't sound like the marriage is in trouble that way at all. If he keeps being haunted by these worries it WILL be. He needs to just let it go before it becomes a big problem.

Maybe when he starts thinking about her self-pleasuring he should turn it into a sexy fantasy where she's overcome with anticipation and moaning his name while doing it. Then he can also imagine coming home and making her fantasies come true.