His and Her Health

I hope you don't mind me coming in here for a few answers. I think I have an abnormally high sex drive - and not just for woman. I usually masturbate to orgasm three to five times a day (getting up, before work, at bed time, etc.)and have sex with my significant other as much as he wants - 3 or 4 times a week, so it's not that I don't have a good appreciation for sex. But I don't see every guy, even every good looking guy as a possible sex conquest. Maybe I like to think I am a little more discriminating than that.

But everything you read, hear, see, etc. says that every guy wants to or should want to have sex with every good looking woman who crosses his path. And of course, I have experienced many guys who seem to act this way as well, (but I'd like to chalk some of it up to bravado). This idea or attitude bothers me because I hate to think that grown, intelligent men with a healthy active sex life are not that base. I don't like to think that their brain can NOT automatically jump to that primitive part that lets desire run loose.

The "argument" about being biologically programmed doesn't hold water - we are also programmed to be greedy, self serving, aggressive individuals who would lash out and steal, kill or rape whatever suits our needs (don't get me started on rape of friends and neighbors during war and times of lawlessness - but not ALL guys take advantage of that either).

If it is true that every guy sitting in church lusts after the good looking minister, choir director, etc. and can't keep his thoughts away from sex with her (extreme case) I have just lost a little bit of faith and respect in the men of mankind, but will accept your answers as truth.

I appreciate your honest responses.

Thank you,

Barbie

Wow, I sure wish my wife was like you! She's never had an orgasm, and totally lost interest in sex years ago.

Not all men fit the stereotype. I can only speak for certain about myself. I have always had a high sex drive and the though or feeling of sexual attraction is there, almost immediately, with many women I meet. But the funny thing is, for me it's still quite another step to actually consider having sex, or trying to have sex with someone you have just met. I can say that because through the years, I've had a number of women come on to me. The key moment is when I realize that the woman is no longer just flirting, but actually wants me to go ahead, and the situation is one where it is not appropriate for any of a number of reasons (which is what the situation usually is for me due to my circumstances) and could lead to risks in terms of both disease and emotions. I realize at that moment that things will start to happen quickly unless I put the brakes on, and a voice tells me, "Uh, oh, what are you getting yourself into? Think this over first!" That reaction on my part has also annoyed me, because it doesn't conform to the stereotype that I, as a high-sex-drive male, should follow. I should just be blinded by my own passion and go recklessly ahead like a "normal man", right? Silly me, when it comes right down to it, I need the reassurance that the woman is not going to regret it afterwards, if for no other reason that I want to be liked, and I don't want a woman who doesn't like me afterwards because of what happened, even if she liked it at the time. I don't want to be somebody a woman regrets, if you know what I mean.

And especially given the problem I've dealt with in my marriage, the last thing that would interest me is to force myself on a woman who was not interested in me sexually, no matter how attractive she was. So, basically, I need to know that a woman trusts me, and that she wants me sexually, before I could really want to have sex with her, and that's entirely separate from the "fantasy eye candy" reaction of appreciation I feel upon just seeing a woman. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so, if nothing else, I appreaciate myself for seeing a woman as being beautiful (gay men, children, other women, dogs, cats, elephants can all look at the same woman and see nothing sexy at all). So a sexy attractive woman makes me glad to be a straight man with a high sex drive, if nothing else, and so I already feel appreciation for a woman in that sense.

I will admit that maybe I'm not like all men. When I've related some of my experiences to other men (and women too), they couldn't believe that I didn't take advantage of certain offers to sleep with a woman. I don't know if that's just bravado (on the part of the men) or incredulity (on the part of women I've told). And it's not like I have difficulty getting quickly sexual with someone if the circumstances are right. It's just that for me there has to be a certain emotional context (which I realize makes me sound just like a woman!)

Maybe it's related to the possibility that I have a wider range of sexual fantasies about women than some men. The few men I've really talked to about it, their fantasies seem limited and too "plumbing only" oriented to me. For example, among many other turn ons, I love releasing my passions as the pursuer and the aggressor (if a woman wants that). However, I ALSO love being pursued and made love to by a sexually agressive woman. Totally different fantasies among a large variety for me, having to do with a great variety and combination of visual turnons and emotional context turnons.

And to continue... So you see, this conquest business alone would be much too limited a fantasy -- it just seems so limited in scope and emotional variety, at least the way you seem to describe it. Where's the surprise, the interplay, the emotional nuances of insecurity vs. confidence, new situations and emotions, feelings of power, or longing to be dominated, nurtered, feeling lusted after, expressing lust, feeling a foreign hand searching your skin in ways you can't predict, sending tingles throughot your body, etc., etc. None of that is evoked for me by the simple concept of conquest. The fantasy of sexual conquest would for me be just one of many, many roles I'd be willing to play with a willing partner, but that's about it.

I went to a party one time and struck up quite a conversation with a woman, who later told others how much fun she had talking to me. One of these other people later remarked that I had made quite a "conquest". I thought that was really a strange way of putting it because that sure wasn't my goal. I'm into the moment and the person. I'm not standing there monitoring my progress in a conquest. If I meet another man and strike up a friendship, would anybody call that a conquest? Of course not.

You are officially driving me bananas.

Carry on.

NotBarbie, I think it's a testosterone thing. I've got high free testosterone for a woman, and basically I think about having sex with just about any man I see, it crosses my mind in a passing way, and if I'm close enough to smell the man it's much more vivid and hard to fight.

Again lots of reasons why I don't act--not certain of the man's attraction, emotional concerns, worry the man might be in a relationship and I could upset things, and of course also practical considerations like lack of condoms, if I shaved my legs, that sort of thing. It's my rational mind putting the brakes on all the time; if it were up to my brainstem I would certainly fall into your category of "base."

Thanks for your input. I guess I didn't really make my point: you seem to read more into the "conquest" and I meant to put more emphasis on the "see" or "want to". I mean is your mind distracted, even momentarily, by a good looking woman. When your dentist, therapist, sales manager, passer-by is good looking, are you at a disadvantage because you were distracted by thoughts of what she looks like naked, what her ass would look like naked on her knees, how she would look from your vantage of her giving you a blow job? As an example, my boss stands at our only window almost every day and comments on how he would "like to try that one out" or some other similar comment to almost every passable woman that crosses our parking lot. Not that he would actually have sex with all of them, even if he could. He just sees them in sexual situations for his sole pleasure See my point?

I would think it would be a disadvantage to be thusly distracted, especially in a business atmosphere where concentration is important.

Now for my part - do I get distracted? Sometimes . . . especially if my mind is in a position to wander and I find the guy physically attractive. But . . . I also try to limit my brain to not going to that place first with every man that crosses my line of vision.

Maybe I just don't like being seen "first" as a sex object or fantasy (not tooting my own horn here (unless I could but most guys don't seem very discriminating in their fantasies). But I think it is different than the guys on the adult sex sites who web cast themselves jacking off . . . but don't want any guys watching. That always bugs me as I think, "why do you care who watches you - it still feels good doesn't it and they aren't hurting you?" On adult webcam I don't mind who watches and how aroused they get, cause that is the point there. I am putting myself out there for sexual fantasy, and it seems the right place for it.

Sorry to be so long, but I do sort of feel sorry for guys who can't keep their brain from going to it's basest, most primitive level before they are capable of rational thought. If this is possible, I would be happier, and probably have a bit more respect for some of the men I know.

ALL comments welcome.

Thanks,

Barbie

Have you heard the joke about the difference between a man and a woman? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every desire, a man wants every woman to satisfy his one desire.
That's a slight oversimplification, but really, Conquest? How about just a nice thing to do with another person who's also interested.

Patient, you are in the same boat as I am except for the part about getting propositioned by other women. You make it sound like you don't occasionally indulge yourself with other women even though you wife is not interesed. That's interesting, I suppose I would also be cautious and think of all the questions you mentioned, but if the risks seemed relativlely low, I might go ahead and have some fun with a lady who's actually into it.
I hear from various sources that it's quite common for women to lose interest. Yet there is no concensus in our society for a remedy of the situation for us men and even less so for women who's men have lost interest. In the recent past I think it was expected for the women to submit whether they wanted to or not. That's too much like rape for me. When I'm having sex with my wife (which she is still willing to once every couple of weeks or so) and she has a look of pure revulsion on her face, it's not much better than going solo.
So hey Not Barbie, more power to you and no, many of us have no interest in conquest.
Rich

Not Barbie, I work for a company that employs about 500 women and about 150 men and there is no way in hell I would dare talk like your boss does.
As far as getting distracted, I'll have to admit that sex is on my mind a lot, but I'm able to put that aside when actually working with even my most attractive coworkers.

Brovo Richyup!! That is what I like to hear

I get distracted too, but not when I need to not be. . . and when I indulge in a little "pleasure fantasy" it is pleasurable!

Maybe my testosterone is on the high side

Love the input - not necessairly about having sex, but about just the woman as sexual object in your mini fantasy. Like I said - visions of what she would look like on her knees looking up, etc.

Mine would be imagining that the good looking, or like Zaneblue, nice smelling guy has a nice, big, REALLY hard cock for me to use for my pleasure . . . mmmmmmm

Thanks again and keep the comments on fantasy coming

Barbie

NotBarbie, I can understand not wanting to be thought of first, or only, as a sex object. And I'm not going to deny that a woman's sexual attractiveness isn't one of the first things that hits me at a primitive level. But to me, it's integrated with the whole person, not separated. Just because a woman is attractive, I don't think that she's less intelligent, or less capable, or less worthy of being a friend, or "just a friend" (I know some guys find that impossible, but not me). I don't have a hangup about her being my doctor, or my boss (I say that because I've heard of men who would have trouble with that). Maybe it has to do with the fact that when I was young, my mother and my sister were the closest to me -- the people I trusted the most and who loved me the most. And my sister was hit on by so many men through the years, and I heard all the stories and gave her advice. I feel like I know what it's like to be a woman in this regard.

You could compare it to the way some kids feel when they dislike the fact that adults find them "cute", and don't treat them as people. But that's the key, isn't it -- you treat them as both, and then it's OK.

NotBarbie, you seem to suggest that a man has to make a choice -- if he sees a woman as sexually attractive, then he cannot think of her as a wonderful human being at the same time. That would be the part of what you're saying that I would disagree the most with. It seems you're teaching a man to have the madonna-whore complex, no? When I first read your further explanation, I wondered if it wouldn't make some men feel it was not OK to see you as a sexual person, and that it would be better for them to treat you only as a human being, and save their sexual urges for the "slutty" (a word I don't think makes any sense, but that's another discussion) dancers in the strip club.

As you know, there are men who are turned on by feet, or other men, or worse. I think it's a wonderful gift that I can be turned on by the person I'm supposed to love as my life-long companion. I find it so disappointing when a woman reacts to my look as if I'm undressing her (and in some cases, I'm actually not even attracted to her). It says so much about her and what she has experienced from men before, and it makes me feel sorry for her, and annoyed with the men she's probably learned it from.

If a woman is attractive, I just love it. It adds to life. It makes me feel good, and good about myself. But I disagree that it "interferes", instead it "adds". At least that's my take on it. I don't think of chocolate cake as interfering with dinner and conversation with friends, it just makes it better. I don't think any less of a woman if she's attractive. In fact, it's often the opposite, especially when it's obvious that her appearance is a result of effort on her part -- clothes, health, a positive attitude, attentiveness, all of which can add tremendously to her "attractiveness" -- much more so than many men realize.

And if I were standing next to the boss who was commenting on every woman crossing the parking lot? It would depend on the tone of his voice and what I'd sense he really meant. I knew a guy like that, and he had a heart of gold towards women at the same time. It was all done as humor, and he would have laughed heartily had he heard women making similar comments about him if he'd been crossing the street. But I also know men who really had a lot of anger towards women, who might say the same things, and that would sound very different and unpleasant to my ear. It's all in the context.

And by the way, not every man is fantasizing about what a woman looks like naked in the situations you describe. I might be a little different from many men, but my turn-on is the way the woman looks in reality -- with her clothes on! No fantasy required. That's not to say I don't also enjoy the eroticism of nudity, but for me, that's too much of a leap when first meeting someone. If it were to come to that, I'd want a long, slow, erotic, teasing transition from clothes on to clothes off. Yes, believe it or not, I'm just as turned on by a radiantly smiling and happy woman in a great-looking Talbot's outfit as I am by a sexy babe in a porn picture. Go figure. Thankfully, the authorities aren't about to outlaw the first! At least not in this part of the world...

Patient,

Thank you for your re-post and further commentary. Of course, that is something like what I would like to think most/many/a lot of men are thinking. I have a hard time not lumping all men into the less than civilized behavior category that I have experienced for many years.

While I don't think I am over the top attractive, I have been told by a select few that they (and other men as well) do find that I am physically attractive. (I know that I am fun to be around and very energetic - lots of people have told me that over the years and I believe them on that )I also have been blessed/cursed with rather large breasts. Something like a 38DDD. I don't really mind them, as they are part of who I am, but every once in a while, in the right clothes (like a bathing suit) I do realize that I am very much out of proportion.

A very surprising number of new acquaintances and even strangers feel perfectly free to comment on their size. Even more woman than men do, but I think that the percentage of men is lower because they are trying to not offend me (thank you!) I'd say that if I meet someone (not including in a business setting) and we somehow have a social conversation, within 1/2 hour probably 50% of men and 75% of men will say something. They usually say something like, "wow, I wish I had them - when you get them reduced I'll be on the other table waiting", or "man, doesn't that hurt your back?" Or occasionally something like, "man, what fun". Funny, I hardly ever say to someone, "wow, doesn't carrying around that huge beer belly contribute to early heart disease.

Anyway, when my current boyfriend and love of my life first spent time with me around my family and friends at a campground, he seemed bothered/annoyed. After a bit I got him to explain that he was annoyed and a bit shocked how cavalierly people comment on my chest. He didn't like it and was surprised that people can objectify (his word - not mine) a part of my body, totally separate from me as a person. He has sense told me that he never realized what it was like to be treated - for lack of a better phrase - like a piece of meat. He is a little more empathetic and aware of some of that behavior in the world now.

I guess this was a long way of saying this. No, I don't mind being seen as a sexual being . . . I just want that to be seen as part of who I am, not the only part worth bothering with. Sexuality is a great gift. I like to enjoy it to its fullest extent - but don't like to hurt people by being selfish in the process.

And I think the other idea that will help save my sanity is hearing from decent guys (like you) that they do see woman as many parts that make a wonderful whole. That way I can realize that there are as many varieties of men out there. Not only those with oppressive and sexist attitudes, but many who are kind or not, generous, stingy, intelligent and a bit week of mind, strong, or a bit tender. The key to my sanity is to not treat men exactly how I don't want to be treated - as "typical". Thank you for allowing me to reach this insight and giving me an example of the kind of man who indeed deserves respect and to be called "a good man"!

Thanks again!

Barbie

I have this theory that if a woman's body part gets far enough away from her main body it seems to move into public territory. Total strangers will pat the belly of a pregnant woman and when I had long hair (knee length) just about everyone would touch it uninvited.

I can't speak for men and beer bellies.