His and Her Health

I am trying to deal with my husband's porn issues. I have known all along that he viewed porn but didn't think it was as often as he does. I am trying so hard not to take this personally, but here is what is going on. Since I discovered how frequently he views and masturbates to pornography, I have made an effort to be more sensitive to his needs. This all began in my noticing his inability to maintain an erection during intercourse. I was almost as if his desire for me was non-existant, actually he did tell me he no longer desired me. I asked him to stop with the internet porn and began my search on what to do to help. He cannot stop. I have really turned things up in the bedroom, I am exploring and venturing out and he seems to enjoy it but, for instance last night we had a really hot long and enjoyable lovemaking session. This morning, he is viewing porn and masturbating. What is the DEAL? Does anyone have any advice here. I know he will not seek professional help but I need some support from someone experiencing the same thing or men who can offer some advice on how to help him get off the porn! Please this is tearing me up inside, it is literallly breaking my heart. By the way, he told me that my smoking really bothered him and hurt him as much as his viewing porn hurt me. I have quit smoking and hope to stay off but he is not holding up his end of the deal. Any help is much appreciated!!!!!!!! It is really, really hurting me inside to go through this but I do want to try.

Here is a link to one of our articles by Dr. Jennifer Berman. It may not exactly fit your question but is interesting.
http://www.bermansexualhealth.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=16&Itemid=47><a%20href=

Desperado this link will have an article that is closer to your husband's porn watching.
http://www.bermansexualhealth.com/voxant/exploring-reasons-for-sexual-compulsions-nothing-to-take-li.html

First, right off the bat, the “your smoking habitâ€Â

Not quite sure how to respond to your post, it is unclear to me what the point is. Is it to tell me that offering it to my husband anyway he wants is not enough or that I do not have issues exploring and trying new things is not enough? The boring missionary style left our bedroom many, many, many moons ago. And I have asked him several times to let me in on what intrigues him, he is too embarrassed to share that with me. I have asked in sexy ways, straight forward ways, and round about ways. Still not sharing.
I did not post to advertise his issues,or be mean to him, I only wanted to get advice on what may be going on with him or how I could help. Maybe I will just leave him alone and let him do what he has to do, which I am sure is my fault he is doing it anyway.
P.S. Moderator, thaks for the links, not sure they will help me at this point.

desperado this sounds more like his problem than your problem. Don't be so quick to take the blame for his interest in porn.

I guess someone should write a "He's Just Not That Into You" book for us married women playing second fiddle to computers.

AMEN Sister!

I found some comfort in finding so many of you in the same situation as I am. At the same time I find it very sad that so many of us are feeling this and living it. I am in the decision process of staying or leaving the relationship i am in over porn issues. I look back in hindsight and should have seen the writing on the wall way back. The guy I invited to live with me went on my computer when I was not home one day and forgot to clear the sites visited when he was done. To my surprise when I went looking for a site I had been on I found many porn sites listed. His excuse.... he had enjoyed the night before so much he wanted to go in there. Stupid me bought it and 6-7 mos. later when he got his own laptop that seem to keep him up 3-4 nights a week until 2-3 in the morning I finally found that he has a stash of hundreds of porn pictures and sites on it. When confronted on the issue he of course does not know why it bothers me. Now, a yr later some weeks it is 2-3 times a week and other it is every day. I do not understand a man that has all he wants when he wants that has to turn to porn. You can use all the psychological blab wanted but I think it is a weakness in the man. I have never turned him down and of course many times it was when he came to bed after spending time in the sites. Well, no more. If it serves him then it can be all that he gets, now on these nights I take an advil pm and go to bed, so I won't wake up wondering and waiting and am evaluating the relationship. Most likely it will end. Too bad and too sad.

Tuscany58 if you have not already done a search on our search engine for Porn I would invite you to do that . You will have access to many posts talking about the same problem you have with porn. Use the search button right under "post a poll" at top of this page and search all open forums.

Women will never fully understand why men like porn so much becuase they don't have a male brain.

The male brain is sexually stimulated primarily by erotic imagery. The internet has brought a virtually infinite variety of intense erotic imagery for men to gaze at.

Any image gets old after a while and stimulates the brain less and less over time, and on the internet, men can switch instantly from image to image. Getting tired of a big-breasted Indian girl? Then switch to the tiny white college girl instead.

I think it's natural for men to want to masturbate to porn occasionally even if they have a beautiful wife who is good in bed.

However, if men are giving up regular sex for porn on a regular basis, that doesn't seem right to me.

If I had a sweet woman who was offering me sex without a condom on a regular basis, I would run and shut my damn computer off!

Some additional thoughts:
Masturbating is also far easier than coordinating sexual responses with a partner. Men can gain and lose erections as they feel like while masturbating without having to feel guilt because another person is not always trying to judge their mental state by their physical responses ("What? Doesn't it like me? Why isn't it hard anymore? Am I doing something wrong?...).

Sometimes men just like to be alone with their own pleasure, free of a woman's inferences about them.

<small>[ 12-06-2008, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Moderator ]</small>

a really great 'covers it all' answer.

Well thank you for your input I have been trying to be open minded about this but it really does not seem to be going well. I cannot understand why someone would give up regular sex for porn at all and it does give me some relief that someone else thinks it doesn't make total sense either. I have talked to him about this and his answer is they are just pictures. Well....duh that is what I am saying they are pictures, pictures edited and air brushed and creatively set, they are not reality. I am 5'4" tall and 113 pounds I am not unattractive, not over weight and yes a bit on the smaller chested side. Was married 15 yrs until my husband passed away and am just now after 10 yrs alone getting back out there again. I had dated several men one relationship before this one was 7 mons. long and I ended it thinking I still needed to look around. This relationship has been alot of work and mainly due to this porn issue. It has been 3 weeks again now with nothing but when I leave the house he gets on the computer. I do not think he can give it up, or at least just go on for an hour and get off I have suggested that to no avail.

hello, this is old, i see, porn is a BIG issue for me too. i might say PAST issue... i love sex, very attractive, never deny him... and he was doing the porn thing on line too.

for quite some time, i've been in active kundalini, studying about it, trying to learn, and alot is said about 'tantra'. well, it's no surprise to me that the ancients have all the answers. the art of classic tantra, not the cheap stuff... together, we've learned alot.
no more porn. what WE have is BETTER.

also, in the whole proccess, i learned that the porn, for him, "...touches the little boy part of him who was so hurt by his mother's lack of nurturing to him. but he was left to nurture illegitimate younger siblings, when HE needed it from her too....it's like a bandaid..." then i figure, ok, how many men are out there now, doing porn, feeling this same pain from lack of proper mothering? men whose mothers were not there for them because of carreer, etc, etc. it's epidemic. i really do see a connection to how little boys need their mothers. girls too. sad.