His and Her Health

I realize it’s a neurosis. That anything which occurred nearly 20 years ago should agitate me seems silly. I’ve been married for 16 years, and we have two middle school children. Three months ago, while driving together, my wife and I begin chatting about old relationships. I asked about someone we both know, and teased that I suspected they had sex. The answer was no, but I learned that sex was a part of at least one of the relationships that occurred during a pre-marriage breakup period. The particular lover had problems climaxing. I laughed it off, and did not discuss it further. Secretly, my limbs were buzzing, and I obsess about intercourse, oral sex, and how many times it happened. I feel anxious, though the events and relationship is long ago over. It awakens old feelings of inadequacy. My spouse’s high school lover doesn’t bother me. So I try to build on this acceptance and rationalize that any lover experienced prior to actually being married should bother me no more. Yet, the revelation of additional lovers after we met bothers me.

I decide our relationship needs spice, and awake to the fact that I have been coasting a long time, and though we have sex weekly, I need to dedicate more attention to keeping passions alive. I want to revitalize things, but realize it will take months and years to accomplish this. I’m trying to pay more attention to little things, foot rubs, leave thoughtful notes and trying to convey I don’t take her for granted.
I’ve said nothing to my spouse about my worries and feelings. The admission of such worries would reveal my emotional flaws, insecurity, and perhaps the very un-attractive things that drove wedges in our relationship long ago. So I remain silent.

Three months have passed. I’ve been running 2 miles EVERY day, with a bit of weight lifting. I look and feel pretty good. I’m presently away on a business trip. I’ve spent some time researching how to spice up sex lives. In my internet searching on this topic, I stumbled across all sorts of relationship and sex topics. Two things happened. I have purchased a DVD on kama sutra. I also stumbled across PE topics. I’ve NEVER been able to last long in bed- 3-5 minutes tops. Our routine is exactly the same. I orally stimulate, bring her to “oâ€Â

Man oh man. You are making so many assumptions here and I think many of them may be wrong.

Assumption #1: Your wife's former lover's 'problem' was that he lasted a long time. She apparently didn't say this, you inferred it. It could be so many other problems: inability to maintain an erection, clumsy or inept or selfish in bed, etc. Why do you assume it was the one thing that you're most insecure about?

Assumption #2: You have PE or PE is a problem. Despite what men may like to think, most women do not prefer hours of pumping. They want to have a loving encounter and be sexually satisfied. You satisfy your wife every time. Has she complained about how she wishes you'd last longer or is this something you are projecting?

Assumption #3: Your wife couldn't possibly be fully satisfied with clitoral orgasms. This is simply not true. Most women only have clitoral orgasms and I assure you they are very satisfying. It's the only kind I had for most of my life and I have had decades of wonderful, satisfying sexual experiences. In the past couple of years I have learned to have vaginal g-spot orgasms and I can tell you: I could have 100 of them and enjoy them very much but I wouldn't be fully satisfied until I had my clitoral orgasm.

Assumption #4: You can read minds. You can't. I don't recommend you bring up this past lover of your wife's. But you do need to find out what's going on in her mind. Is she really dissatisfied with your endurance? Or is it the normal complacency that comes with 16 years of marriage and the stress of daily life and raising kids? If you're having sex weekly at this stage of the game and both of you are satisfied by the encounters, you're really not doing badly for this stage of the game. I know it seems like forever away, but the kids do grow up and become less dependent. You and your wife will have more and more time to yourselves and eventually they'll be gone and it's party time.

It's great that you want to spice things up with your wife. Really. Too many marriages founder because they concentrate on everything but each other. But please make it about the both of you. Not just you and your personal anguish. She might be dissatisfied. Or she might just be tired, stressed and distracted by things that have nothing to do with your endurance in bed. Find out what she's thinking. Let her know you love her and want her to be happy. Let her know what you want too. (and changing the past can't be one of the things you want - look forward)

It's great that you're venting here rather than just stewing in this any longer. Get it out of your system here where it's relatively safe. Then maybe you can be a little calmer when you talk to your wife.

Good one eve_m.