His and Her Health

I was wondering basically what's normal in a relationship. I'm interested to know your thoughts from a man's perspective:

How long does it take your partner to get fully aroused? I mean from the moment you start kissing etc

Have you ever had partners with problems with dryness?

How often do you typically make love? This is interesting when people explain how long they're together and their own age.

Me, I'm posting here because I'm a 28 year old woman and recently married (although with my man for 6 years) and although things have been great in the past, at the moment we seem to be going through a bit of a DRY spell!

I think my wife usually takes - from the time we start kissing to the time she's actually ready to have intercourse - somewhere around 15 minutes. It varies depending on the circumstances or what we're doing, but I think that's pretty close.

I am 24 and my wife is 25. We probably have sex 1-2 times per week, though we're seeing a sex therapist now and working through a few issues, and it's making a difference - we're closer to 3 times a week now. I think 3 X a week is pretty normal for those of us in our twenties. Though I know we'd do it once a day if it was up to me

I think dryness is pretty regular (having had only 2 sexual partners in my life). I know my wife can even be dry when she is fully aroused and wanting to fool around - so we keep a little container of water-based lubricant next to the bed. Nothing to be ashamed or worried about in my opinion. Sometimes after making love for 30+ minutes it's nice to have some around too.

Sorry to hear you're going through a dry spell. Hang in there, and tell him - it's important to communicate.

1. aroused-- from 1 to 20 minutes, depending on lots of things
2. dryness-- no, not for us, but that's fairly common (however if # 1 above is taking closer to 20 minutes than dryness may be an issue)
3. once a week if I push it-- not enough for me, but she's just not very interested
4. But we are mid 40s; I think I have a higher libido than average, and she's on the lower end
5. We are both in good shape physically, if that matters

What is normal can change - at least for women. If a man is lacking drive, it could be testosterone related, relational related or he is a workaholic who has other things on his mind. I used to not care too much about sex, had it about once a week, husband always wanted more but never really talked to me about it-nor pushed, so he suffered in silence. Didn't really know this until we started talking about sex ALOT when my drive went through the roof. Then when I hit 42 yrs, I went from once a week to wanting it every day. Husband is thrilled about this, but as men age, they slow down (testosterone is waning as each year goes by) so we do it more NOW in our 40's than we did in our 20's! About 4-5 times a week now. If you want a great book to help bring the passions back in any marraige, get "Kosher Adultrey" by Rabbi Shumelly, it is about having an Affair with your spouse!

Any idea why your husband chose to "suffer in silence"? I couldn't imagine keeping quiet in his situation.

My husband choose to be silent more than not, I think because I am kind of "dominent" in comparison to him, and I refused him on a handful of occasions in the past, other things like we used to set a time in order to acheive pregancy -we struggled with infertility for 6 yrs in the beginning of our marraige. I don't know, He tried subtle things like scratching my back in hopes but if it didnt lead to where he wanted it to go, he never fussed about it. I do recall him spending hours on me one night , I even feel asleep, he was SOOO patient! But he never pushed. Never. But he was angry alot with the kids & me, just never spoke about it. After reading a book about Different Libito types, it appears he falls into the "Reactive Libito" which means although he was horny, he could not enjoy himself UNLESS his partner was, or it was hollow for him. I guess that is how to explain him. And if he waited for me, then WOW, I mean it was like Heaven when I finally came around, so it was all worth the wait, I think that is what he would say. But looking back, I would have much rather him been more OPEN and forward about his needs, it might have even turned me on!

Not sure about the "reactive libido" diagnosis. I think he probably masturbated a lot instead of setting himself up for rejection with you in the past.

In general, I would give the advice to wives to be very careful about repeatedly turning down their husbands sexually, especially a husband with a high physical sex drive. Speaking from personal experience, what happens is that the negative reinforcement leads to a situation where his wife appears less and less sexually exciting, even though she is still attractive. Eventually she becomes like a sister -- the husband can see that she is attractive, but he feels no turn-on or attraction for her specifically. But -- and this is the important part -- in my case it did not lessen my attraction to other women, because I had not experienced the negative reinforcement with them.

As for as men slowing down at the young age of 40, I say baloney. If he doesn't smoke or drink heavily, eats well, keeps his weight in the healthy range, and gets plenty of exercise, there shouldn't be any significant slowdown issues in his 40's.