His and Her Health

Apologies in advance for the length of this post, but I am at my witts end with this problem and it is tearing my husband and I apart.

I love my husband dearly and have been desperately trying to search for solutions for years now and am now starting to feel like I am wasting my time. We fight all the time now and we have gotten to the point where both of us are just sick and tired of fighting. Both of us are starting to give up. Just tonight I told him that he holds all the power to change things. If he doesnt want to fight with me all the time, he knows that there is one thing that he could do to entirely change our relationship. I am deeply insecure, bitter and angry all the time - but if you ask anyone who has known me for a long time, they will tell you that I am none of these things.

I have tried almost everything. Everything I have read has told me to speak to him kindly, to show him my vulnerablity, to try counseling, to be the one who makes all the moves. Now all I do is attack him. I am not only frustrated and heartbroken, but I am bitter and angry. I get twinges of jealousy when I see others happily married or hear of women in my extended family getting pregnant- never ever in my life have I ever been someone who becomes jealous over others happiness- so these emotions are very disturbing to me.

I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years now. He was deeply in love with me when we met and extremely attracted to me and he was very persistent in pursuing me. We agreed not to have sex until we were married and held to that. Our first month and a half together as a married couple were just fine. But about 6 weeks into our marriage, he stopped coming to bed with me. Since then, I have been feeling heart broken. We are now coming up to our 4th year anniversary. People ask us why we dont have children, which is a very painful question, for which there is a very logical answer, which of course, I do not share with others. Since that 6 week point, our sex life slowly deminished, from 2 times a week (as a newly married couple), to once a week, to once every other week, to once a month, to litterally going months and months without. I tried everything- I was slim and beautiful at the time- I was very confident and sexy. I had great lingerie- something I invested a LOT of money in. I am open to watching porn, I am open to all trying anything and everything in sex, i am extremly enthusiastic and have a fairly high sex drive. About 2.5 years into the marriage, I litterally gave up trying to initiate, because most of the time I faced rejection and would just start crying. Since then, I have gained about 40 pounds and just dont take care of myself. My self esteem is at an all time low. Before me, my husband was involved in other relationships where his sex life was normal. I just dont know what is wrong with me- with us.

One would ask why I have stayed with my husband despite these serious problems. This is a very big part of life to miss out on. But my husband doesnt want me to leave him. He tells me that he loves me deeply and would be lost without me and has no idea why he just cannot get into the sex. He has said many times that he is attracted to me. He gives me everything else- he is kind to me, he is attentive to me, he cuddles me, he kisses me, he tells me he loves me. My husband is a VERY good person; extremely kind and soft hearted. We live with his parents - we moved in with them after getting married with the plan to move out but couldnt move out because he lost his job at the very beginning of the recession and hasnt had a steady job since. I was convinced that these were the reasons (unemployment and living with his parents) particularly because his mother, though very sweet, has too strong of a presence in our relationship - and she has a very powerful effect on his mind; frankly she treats him like he is 12 - sometimes I have complained that I feel that there are 3 people in this marriage. When we get away, which is not often enough, things always seem to improve, including the sex - we went away for a month together over the summer and our sex life improved greatly and we got along better - there was such a spark between us - suddenly he started making advances at me, touching me, and flirting with me with intent to take me to bed. When I got my period, he expressed disappointment - a FIRST!!

When we got back, things were good between us for a month. But very quickly they died out and spiralled downhill VERY quickly. These days, things have turned desperate. We are just not getting along at all. On my part, it is because I am angry and resentful- living wtih my in laws for so many years (having a good relationship with them on top of it), and not getting any intimacy with him out of it. I feel like I have compromised to my breaking point- without getting anything in return - i dont mean to sound selfish, but marriage has to be a give/take, and i feel like i have been too patient for too long. I cannot stop fighting with him. I am constantly on the defensive and am attacking him, and now he is totally fed up- he has lost his will to fight for our marriage, and I have lost mine. I dont want to loose my husband because I love him very much and I know he loves me. But now I think, if things havent changed already, maybe they never will. I am trying to convince myself of things I know arent true, like deminishing the importance of intimacy and sex in a marriage.... I just wish i could make things work with THIS man - I love him deeply, but I dont know if there is any hope left? why would my husband have absolutley no sex drive for almost 4 years? is it time to leave? maybe I am in denial... maybe I am afraid of being alone? I am trying to cling onto any bit of hope that things can become normal between us... maybe i should let it go and move on with my life? or maybe there are solutions?

Any and all insight from both men and women would be very much appreciated.

Thanks.

How ever you can do it move out of his parents home. Do you work in addition to the sometimes jobs your husband gets? If not you need to find a job and set up a budget so you two can move into any kind of living quarters, a boarding house ,a friend with an extra room or a really cheap flat. He may have some hang-up about having sex in his mother's home and is more dependent on her than you.When you move back into a home with your parents you go right back to your childhood. I wish you luck.

Thank you so much for your message... i suppose rather than trying to end this marriage, i am really seeking any and all hope.

Yes, actually, i just recently got myself a separate flat and am just now learning how attatched he is to his mother because he seems really hesitant to move out of his home and into the flat with me - which is coming as a massive surprise to me because he has always talked about wanting to have his own place "at some point" ... his mother has also gone all strangely quiet with me these days, but to be honest, with all the headache and heartache in my marriage, i really cannot be bothered with what she feels - i dont mean to be rude, but her feelings are not my responsiblity. I have always had a really good relationship with her and trust that if things work out between my husband and i, things will return to normal between me and her in the future.

i suppose i write my post because I dont even know at this point whether it is worth it or not to even try living together in a separate place. both of us are now starting to be convinced that the problem is us... that maybe we are a mis-match, which is why we just dont get along in the first place and why we have sexual problems from practically the beginning of our marriage.... a part of me refused to believe this for a very long time considering how well we do when we are on our own. But now i am getting so disheartened that i am starting to believe it too. Maybe we did so well together because we were on holiday?
thank you for your wishes...

First, let me say that you cannot imagine the number of men that would love to have a wife whose attitude toward sex is like yours, including me. Also, there is an old adage similar to one not only marries a spouse, but the spouse's family as well. Sounds to me like your husband is under the thumb of his family, at least psychologically. I echo the idea that you should have moved out. I think that if your husband really loves you, he will come with you. In the meantime, work on your weight and appearance. Keep working on your sex appeal. After all of that maybe you will know whether or not it is time to move on in your life and find someone who deserves you more.

you dont know how much it means for me to hear you say what you said... and i thank you...
for the past several years i feel like a part of me has died... i dont feel sexy or sexual... and to hear that i would be apprecaited by others sparked a nerve in me .... a nerve that really needed to be sparked...

only time will tell how things between myself and my husband will work out... i can only hope for the best... but you're right... i need to start taking care of myself... my friends and family dont even recognise me anymore. i need to feel alive again...

You go girl!!! At your age, it shouldn't take you long to do a complete "turn-around" and "make-over." Once your husband again realizes what a beauty you are in terms of appearance and sex appeal for others, he is liable to change his whole game. If he doesn't, I would bet there will be lots of other men lined up for a shot at SUPER-GIRL!!!

Originally posted by eggplantsprout:

We live with his parents - we moved in with them after getting married with the plan to move out but couldnt move out because he lost his job at the very beginning of the recession and hasnt had a steady job since. I was convinced that these were the reasons (unemployment and living with his parents) particularly because his mother, though very sweet, has too strong of a presence in our relationship - and she has a very powerful effect on his mind; frankly she treats him like he is 12 - sometimes I have complained that I feel that there are 3 people in this marriage.
Any and all insight from both men and women would be very much appreciated.

[/QB]I have been thinking about this aspect of your situation a lot and I feel this is at the root of your problems. I have had a lot of in-law problems along the way that impacted our lives greatly. I wish that there is a way I could pm with you about this rather than spill all the beans here.

this would greatly help - I deeply believed this for a long time - and now he and i both just feel that it is US and not our situation and environment- its gotten to the point where he has really started giving up on our marriage...

i wouldnt mind pm'ing with you-any and all advice i can get to try and make things work would be deeply apprecaited... but how can i get you my email address without making it so public here?

Originally posted by eggplantsprout:
this would greatly help - I deeply believed this for a long time - and now he and i both just feel that it is US and not our situation and environment- its gotten to the point where he has really started giving up on our marriage...

i wouldnt mind pm'ing with you-any and all advice i can get to try and make things work would be deeply apprecaited... but how can i get you my email address without making it so public here? I tried to find out how you can do it on this site and theoretically there is a way if you go to your profile. However, once I got there, that function did not seem to be activated. Maybe you can figure it out better than me. I feel the same way about making the email address public. Take a look at the FAQs and profile and see what you can figure out.
Whitey

ok... if you click to see my profile (the little icon with the face and question mark at the top of this conversation box) i just put my email address is there - but i just put it there for now - i will delete it afterwards once you've gotten it ... i use that messenger, or you can email me there..

thanks

eggplantsprout, I always get suspicious about people waiting until marriage to have sex. If they have strong religious beliefs and it's mutual, fine. But I've heard too many cases where it conventiently hides and postpones reckoning with underlying issues, which sometimes neither partner is fully aware of.

How do you know that your husband had "normal" previous sexual relationships? And in your relationship he "doesn't know" why he's not into sex. Sounds like BS to me.

He sounds like a man with a relatively low sex drive. It's common for people like this to have a temporary heightened sex drive when there's newness, or the romance level is kicked up a notch. But it's not sustained.

How old is your husband? Does he smoke? Drink? Does he exercise? Overweight? Has he had his testosterone checked? Is he on antidepressants? Diabetic? Other medication? Does he masturbate when he's not having sex with you?

Hi Patient,

Apologies it took me a couple of days to get back to your questions and I thank you for your input.

I hear what youre saying about waiting until marriage to have sex. I am not sure where I said that he had "normal" sexual relationships before we were married- I might have said that on another post elsewhere on the site. That is my impression of him before we were married- i am very aware that my impression could very well have been wrong .... though, he does tell me that this was not a problem he had when he was with his ex-girlfriend.

The reason we decided to wait was my decision- not his - if it were up to him at the time, we would have had sex before our wedding night... i was not a virgin either when we were married- I would say that my previous sex life before this marriage was relatively normal .... in that, i never had problems with sex drive or any dysfunctionality. i was strictly monogamous and was in 2 long term relationships before i met him.

The reason i made this decision was because we do have some strict religious beliefs that we were attempting to follow - furthermore, i suppose, on my part, i thought it would be more "romantic" to build up the anxiety and "save myself" for our wedding night... and to be honest, despite our later problems, our wedding night was extremely special...

my husband and i have had fantastic sex together - we have had glorious and magical sex that even made me cry... there is just something very wrong with him - he seems conflicted - almost like there is a part of him that just doesnt want to be married... this is why i dont think that he has a sex drive problem per- se... my husband does not smoke, or drink at all, he did gain some weight, but not a significant amount to deeply affect his sex drive, at least i dont think so - before we were married he used to exercise a LOT and was very proud of his body ... he finished his MA just before our wedding and ate horribly throughout the year and gained about 1.5 stones (25 pounds) - he still looks great, but developed a bit of a belly - since then his weight has fluctuated up and down a bit, but again, he is not so big that i would be seriously concerned about his health- though he is quite down about the loss of his athletic body that he worked very hard to build (the 6 pack, etc) ... he does masturbate a lot without me, and i have seen that he also looks at a lot of porn- which is understandable since he is not having his needs fulfilled by other means .... clearly he has needs, he is just not using this marriage as the outlet to fulfill them .... considering the things i said about him being conflicted- i would venture to say that he is very possibly depressed... his mood fell around the time that we stopped having sex early on in the marriage- and our "honeymoon phase" came to a crashing halt... i never really understood what triggered this change in him - he suddenly distanced himself from me and appeared to struggle wtih me in a lot of ways- communicating, being emotionally close .... it was very different before we were married- he was my best friend.... its very strange, as i never ever would have thought that this would have happened between us... it seems since then that we've never been able to fully recover and be the way we were before we married- yes, he has gotten over being overly distant from me, but i would not say that he has fully opened his heart to me either.... perhaps he is just not that into me... maybe he loves me, but is just not in love with me.....

it is all so strange...

there has been a lot of development inside of me since i wrote this post- and i dont really have the time to get into all of it- but in short, we have been separated since i wrote that post, and are still separated... a big part of me is starting to accept our situation and perhaps even starting to really let go ... it is sad, but for me, this is not a point on which i can compromise.

Thanks... any more input would be welcomed!

Dear Sprout,
I am very sorry to hear there is no progress here for you. I truly wish you the best and that you have the resolution that you need.