His and Her Health

I am a 37 year old man. Dreamy, artistic, I have a strong and wild eros but am married to a very practical woman who finds it very hard to be wild. Specifically, she just doesn't really enjoy giving blow jobs and I have probably come in her mouth a dozen times in four years. We have a nice house, a good life, she is an honest, kind person, but when i think of a life without the kind of sex I dream of I feel a real depression and anger about her. In her mind, my desire for regular oral sex is "immature" while for me, it's part of the excitement of life. I had a girlfriend a few years ago with whom I had just incredible sex, and even though i have stability and all those good things now I can't get over the need for that kind of fire in bed. I want to walk but I'm also afraid to walk and find that I was deluded. How can you know what is really important to you in a relationship? It seems it's a whole package of things. What are people's experiences of staying marriages with less than stellar lovers?

Have you concidered how your wife feels about you ejaculating in her mouth. There are many women who find that a real turn off.Do you give her oral sex or is she reluctant to try that.How would it sound when asked the reason for your divorce you had to say " She wouldn't give me oral sex".

Moderator,

I posted because I was looking for people's perspectives on living in sexually-unsatisfying relationships. If you have some compassionate insights on this I would be very open to them but what you asked was a series of leading questions which betray considerable prejudice. Of course I have considered the taste of my semen and how my wife feels about it - I'm 37 years old and it's not as if we haven't discussed the issue. But the issue is not whether my wife likes the taste of my semen but what my options are if she doesn't and whether a person can remain in a relationship where there is a stigma attached to a certain sexual act. What are the long-term effects of this on a relationship etc. And in simplifying the grounds for divorce you haven't addressed the deeper question which is how important is sexual compatibility? Are there people who have remained in sexually-incompatible relationships and sincerely made them work for them?

HMeadow, if you post your question on the Women's sexual health forum I am sure you will get some replies from men and women who have dealt with, or are dealing with sexually incompatible relationships.

Well, it's all relative. It's hard to say that any particular act is "wrong" or "too much" or "over the top". Indeed, the question is simply, how does the partner feel about it and how can you come to an agreement or a path that makes both partners happy.

In the case of my wife, any kind of sex, including just plain intercourse, is very unpleasant for my wife. So yes, I consider how it would feel to her, and so I don't try to have any sex with her whatsoever. In fact, she kind of thinks of it as "her sexual preference". If people are free to be comfortable with particular frequencies of intercourse, then she can pick hers, which happens to be zero. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's really the way she sees it. And who am I to say there's anything wrong with it? The only issue is that we can't come to an agreement or compromise that is satistfactory for both of us.

As for oral sex being immature, I know of another woman who's sick and tired of sex and told her husband that sexual intercourse is immature and really only makes sense for young people trying to have children. Once you have kids, what's the point, she asks. The explanation that it feels good is unconvincing to her, and sounds like selfish indulgence. She thinks her husband should just man up and control himself, and get on with more important things in life.

I'd say sexual compatibility is as important as the level of frustration with the most unsatisfied partner. There is no outside yardstick of importance. The experience is yours and hers, and nobody else's. If you have a high sex drive, and you are married to a partner who doesn't want sex, or a particular sexual act, then your marriage has become a sexual prison for that particular item. Before you were married, you were free to do it with anybody. Now you've promised not to do it with someone else, and the only person you can do it also won't. Some people would say if it's a deal breaker, it's something you should have cleared up before you got married. But people change in marriages too, so it's not always something that can be anticipated before marriage.

If this means a lot to you, and you don't deal with it for a long time, you make yourself vulnerable to going outside the marriage. No matter how strong your morals are, they can be slowly eroded by sexual longings which have a way of seeking justification. For example, after a whiel, the thought may occur to you that the only way you're ever going to experience this wonderful thing before you die is to go outside your marriage. And so you ask yourself, would I rather die first? See, the perspective changes when you start looking at it that way. Which is why you need to deal with it sooner.

Also, the advice columns and discussions about cheating men are full of indignant women who think the man is totally to blame for not first going to the wife to try to resolve the problem. Well, many women apparently don't realize that some men cheat only after trying for years and years to resolve a problem of this type, and only after their wives have put them off and ignored their requests for many years. They may be busy with kids and the PTA, and think their husbands should "understand" that there are other priorities. While from the man's point-of-view, it makes no sense at all to have promised your sexual activity will be only with a person who wants you to understand that they won't have sex with you either because you are now mature enough that you should "understand" that there is no time for sex these days.

So for these reasons, you need to let your wife clearly know how much this means to you. And in that conversation, ask her about things that might mean a lot to her, and be willing to do those things, even if they don't mean much to you, or even if you think they sound immature.

There are examples on this forum of other people who do sexual things with their spouses which aren't exciting or pleasant to them, but which are very enjoyable to their spouses. Some people see such a compromise as an act of love.

Doesn't want "immature sex"? Well, "mature sex" sounds boring to me. What about the advice that one should be "playful" during sex? Isn't being "playful" immature too, almost by defintion? Being "playful" has no productive goal, and is not a time saver. It's just childish indulgence, right? Some women enjoy giving oral sex. Perhaps their explanations of what they find enjoyable about it would help your wife see that, at least, it's immature to call it immature! Perhaps this gives you some thoughts about lines of discussion with your wife.

"Are there people who have remained in sexually-incompatible relationships and sincerely made them work for them?"

I have been married for ove 43 years in the kind of relationship that you describe. I have always craved oral sex, but my wife has never, ever given me oral. In the early years, she would allow me to give her oral, but no more. She is not interested in doing playful sex, like bondage, or hide and seek or anything like that. Her idea of sex is very stereotyped. It can only be done in accordance with her plan: dark room, romantic music, missionary position and on a schedule (never spontaneous). This situation led me to be unfaithful several times in our early life. On the positive side, she has been a wonderful mother and grandmother, and a smart, respectable partner. Would I do it over again if I had the chance? Probably not; because like you, I am a highly sexual being and I feel I have been deprived of an important part of life.

Thank you to patient and BlondBoy44 for your comments. I found them kind and helpful.