His and Her Health

My wife and I are in our mid-30s. We just had our first kid. It was a normal vaginal childbirth, our daughter is now 5 months old. Our daughter weighed a little over 7 pounds. The doctor checked my wife after she recovered. She is fine. My wife is breastfeeding our child.

Before she became pregnant my wife was showing some signs of FSD, lack of motivation and decreased arrousal, but we still managed to have OK sex maybe once a week... enough so that I wouldn't get too frustrated. However, some resentment was building on my part that our sex life was going downhill. I was supressing these emotions and/or too busy to really think too much about it. They were easily glossed over.

The first couple of months after birth we didn't have sex. I think we attempted it once or twice but it was too painful for her. It was ok with me. I saw the baby come out and know what a stress it was for her.

Finally, after 3 months we had "sorta" normal sex ONE time while on vacation. However, it took a long time to get her motivated, it took her forever to get her arroused, and I could hardly do anything once it became my turn. Further attempts to have sex throughout the remaining vacation were not successful because of "pain".

As it stands right now, 5 months after our child was born, we've had sex 2 times (including the vacation). We have several problems that are getting worse:

1. My wife has no motivation or desire to have sex or masturbate whatsoever. A big void sexually.

2. She feels pressure from me to have sex. She is easily offended by my sexual overtures.

3. I am not enjoying the sex we are having. It takes her way too long to get arroused. It feels like I'm doing all the work.

4. She feels pain during sex *initially* which usually ends the attempt. We've tried lubrications (astroglide?).

5. I am tired of masturbating (even with her help). I am not sexually satisfied and I feel like I am repressing a problem.

OK... my uneducated diagnosis of the situation!

I think we are suffering from Female Sexual Dysfuntion. I've read a bunch of websites and I think the treatment should be multi-modal:

-change diet... add vitamins & homoeopathic solutions (very confusing all the options here)
-exercise the pelvic area, and exercise in general.
-medical/pharmacological help (ask ob/gyn for help?), check hormones, etc.
-sex counseling & communication (face the problem & understand it is causing me physical stress, too).

Please post any advice or feedback.

Wow...no offense, but it doesn't sound like you're being very understanding. A woman taking longer to become aroused after childbirth is VERY, VERY common. It is unfortunate that it feels like "too much work" to you, but your wife's condition at this point isn't FSD. It's post-partum and perfectly, medically NORMAL. She probably feels like it's "too much work" to have sex and have yet another person tugging at her after a baby doing so all day. If her pain is only initial, and goes away after sex begins, she's probably not aroused enough. Arousal isnt' simply about lubrication--the vagina actually expands if a woman is properly aroused. If she's not, it can definitely cause pain. 5 months is simply not enought time between birth and pregnancy for you to begin addressing this issue seriously and pressuring her about it, especially if she is breastfeeding. The breastfeeding hormone, prolactin, kills libido in most women. It's part of evolution's way of making sure that a woman doesn't get pregnant too soon, which (in the past, when we were hunter-gatherers) would hurt the chances of the first child's survival.

Pressing your wife on the libido issue right now may make her go the exact opposite direction you wish. It can take 6 months after she stops breastfeeding for her prolactin levels to return to pre-pregnancy. Also, it's important to note that many new mothers (even those not breastfeeding) take far longer than 5 months for to become interested in sex again. They're tired, they're constantly having to meet all the needs of someone else without getting theirs met in return (the infant), and it takes the body some time to heal. I understand that your wife was having issues before the pregnancy, but now isn't the time to pressure her on this. There are other posts here on this topic which you should consider reading.

Your need for sexual attention is real, but you may have to come to a comprimise for a while and take care of most of it yourself. No responsible Dr. is going to test hormones this soon after pregancy (thyroid, etc. not withstanding). let alone give her hormone therapy. If she's breastfeeding, adding supplements and vitamins should absolutely not be done except under the careful supervision of her doctor. Your wife doing pelvic excersizes is good for her health, and her doc (if he was good) has already recommended this to her--but, perhaps you could bring this up in the context that it will help her return to bladder incontinence control. Other than that, however, the long and short of it is that while you may be "tired of masturbating," you need to be a bit more understanding and patient.

<small>[ 10-06-2005, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: Moderator ]</small>

5 months? Patience, man, patience.

If you sensed a waning of interest before birth, then I believe your attention should be focused on a long term plan. So for the present, I think you should work on building a relationship with your wife AND your child. Drawing closer to her now, by caring for her needs, will give you a much better foundation in the future for you to address her lack of libido, if it persists.

Thank you all for your responses. I have learned a lot. I feel guilty for saying what I said.

I realize hormonal treatments are extreme but I thought they might be a possibility because her doctor almost immediately offered to prescribe birth control pills (a type of hormone, right?) following her pregnancy.

Regardless of the reason... she has symptoms of FSD. So, are we supposed to accept that it is untreatable until she stops breastfeeding? Can we expect to see improvement if we do nothing? Just because FSD is especially common among new mothers does that mean it's ok to go untreated?

I did some research on prolactin. I see that it is probably one of the reasons her sex drive is low. If she intends to breastfeed for another 7 months then in 2 years we want to have another kid (sounds like a mathematical word problem)... it makes me feel less than optimistic about the future of our sex life. Quite depressing... like taking away the guitar from the guitar player or taking away the ocean from a surfer. Sure I'll live but...

Aside from the pain, I am afraid that the answer is likely yes, you need to wait until she stops breastfeeding to do anything serious about this--assuming that you even need to address it after that. No doctor will give her testosterone while she's breastfeeding because it's VERY detrimental to the baby, and for FSD/desire issues, that is the hormone you'd be looking at. Even BC pills are controvercial among breastfeeding mothers. Usually a progesterone-only form is suggested, but those have a notoriously high incidence of sexual side effects. BC pills that contain estrogen are usually the last method of choice for breastfeeding mothers for many reasons, including a significantly reduced milk supply and the possibility of the estrogen passing through the mother's milk. Usually, a non-hormonal option such as condoms, spermicides or IUDs are the best options for a breastfeeing mom.

If this is a big enough issue for you, then the two of you need to talk about the schedule on which you'd like to have children and if she should breastfeed for over a year each time. In the meantime, while she's breastfeeding, you unfortunately may not see an improvement. This is a common part of having children, and perhaps couples aren't really given all the information before they make their family planning decisions. New-mommy libido loss is complaint we see repeatedly here on the board, and many couples are astonished by it--both the men and the women. They simply aren't educated to understand this is a common and normal part of how nature/God/Goddess/whatever-you-believe-in has programmed the female body to make sure the child has a fighting chance to survive. Unf, our evolution hasn't caught up with our technology, and in a society that expects new moms to be back to work in 3 weeks it's not suprising people have lost sight of what a new mom goes through physically.

Also, "FSD" is very subjective in diagnosis, and most people would not classify post-partum bodily reactions to sex as FSD, with the possible exception of the pain. If the pain is from lack of arousal because you don't feel like taking the time to get her completely aroused, that's not FSD, either. That is impatience. You mentioned that your wife will masturbate you, and for now that may be the comprimise you will need to deal with in exchange for her birthing and breastfeeding your child. There are many men on this board who would be thrilled if their wife was that accomodating *ever*, let alone this shortly after childbirth.

I realize it's not your ideal, and that is never easy to live with; but, men and women change over time and childbirth is one of those times. Ideally, after she stops breastfeeding, her drive will slowly return to pre-pregancy levels. In the meantime, as Pilgrim suggests, you should consider trying to work *with* her instead of against her. Building a non-demand relationship of physical closeness without sex will set a solid foundation for sexual activity to occur once her body is again ready. Spend time as a father and a husband, and let her know that you miss physical intimacy but are willing to work with her to accomodate your physical needs and hers. This may mean she masturbates you or performs oral sex, but there's no intercourse. Let her know how much you appreciate this comprimse, and how wonderful it is to know she cares about your needs even when her body isn't responsive. You mention two analogies regarding how it feels to have sex taken away--here is one from her point of view: She loves seafood, but you can't stand it. There's a great local seafood resteraunt, and you go because you know she wants to. You find something on the menu that you can stand to eat, because you know how much she enjoys coming here. You wouldn't want to come here every night, but you'd come occasionally to see her happy. From her point of view, she's doing something she really isn't intersted in because she knows you enjoy it. That is a statement of love and concern, and while you'd prefer intercourse instead, this is a good time to just be happy you have food and know that she's at least responsive to your dilemma. My husband has a medical condition that now precludes sex. So, I am not talking out of my bum here. I know where you are coming from, and it does absolutely suck. My husband's condition is permanent. In your case, there's a strong liklihood that if you build a good relationship as a caring father and husband now, her drive will come back as the baby is weaned.

Another thing to keep in mind is that your wife is getting a LOT of physical contact right now from the baby. There is this little child pulling, sucking, pooping and throwing up on her all day long. Drawing her a hot bath and taking the baby for a while will probably go a lot farther towards renewing your sexual relationship than grabbing her breasts will--she gets the breast thing all day long. Women rarely feel sexy after giving birth, which is another inhibitor to intimacy. Her body has changed dramatically, she may feel fat/bloated/etc., and it's likely she's not getting the pre-pregnancy amount of primp time. Another poster on this board once said it's hard to feel sexy with mashed peas in your hair. Let your wife know, without pressure for sex, that you find her beautiful. Take the baby for a while and let her relax with a book, a bath, or a haircut. THis shows your appreciation,and will make her feel loved. For many women, the emotional closeness must come before the sex. Don't push for sex even though your body is screaming. Let her know you look forward to your intimate time, that you appreciate it and want to please her; but, let her know that even more, you love her and are working to understand what she's going through. Then go take care of the need yourself, knowing that this should all pass and it's an interim sacrifice.

Just my 2cents.

Dona is absolutely on target! What follows is a very long post but maybe it can help you to "walk a mile in the other person's shoes".

Perhaps you should try a little exercise for the imagination. Take a moment, close your eyes and try to envision your wife. Take a few deep breaths, and imagine that you are her, and that the following scenario includes the secret thoughts that you (as your wife) are having.

My day started at 5 am today. I was roused from sleep by the cries of my baby. I love her so much, but I'm really getting sick of the hours of this new job as "Mommy". We sat down to breastfeed and it was so nice: quiet, solitude, and just reveling in the emotions of sustaining this new life that I adore so deeply. I do my best to enjoy this moment, because I know it's probably the last time I'll feel truly relaxed today. I send my husband off to work this morning with a hurried kiss and a little pang of regret that I was too exhausted to do anything but crash into bed after the late feeding. He must be getting lonely for time with me too. For the rest of the day I alternate between changing diapers, doing laundry that smells like sour baby puke, soothing my crying angel to sleep, and trying to decide what to fix for dinner. I go shopping, pay the bills, do the dishes and collapse on the couch for an hour when the baby naps at 2:00. The most stimulating dialog I have is with the checker at the grocery store, so there is a lot of time to think. Some of the things I thought about today were: " Baby seems kind of hot, I wonder if she's teething. I should really eat better, I'll never get my body back at this rate. My breasts are killing me, is that kid ever gonna wake up and relieve this pressure? I bet hubby was pretty disappointed last night... I know it's been a while. Why am I so tired, it seemed like a slept pretty well last night? I guess it's just the extra calories I'm losing with the breastfeeding. That coupled with feeling dehydrated and the hormonal swings just really takes is out of you. Am I going to be a good mom? What if I make a mistake... a big one? Hey, she bit me that little stinker... now that nipple's gonna hurt all day! "

Now hubby is home and what a relief! I hand him the baby that's been crying half the afternoon and go to the kitchen to make dinner. We eat in shifts since baby won't settle down unless she's being held... yep, probably teething. But what if it's an ear infection, how do they expect parents to know the difference? We don't get to talk much, but it's good to have him home. He's so good with the baby... what a great dad... God, how I love him. I breastfeed one last time (I hope) and baby finally goes to sleep. Maybe we crash on the couch and watch some mindless TV to relax. Hubby gave me a neck rub and I almost fell asleep... nice.

We get into bed now and boy does it feel good to stretch out. My shoulders are killing me from carrying baby and breastfeeding in a dozen different positions trying to get comfortable (note to self: try not to slouch so much). Hubby snuggles in and I'm about to drift off when he kisses my neck. I stiffen. He's interested and I'm exhausted. Oh well, the poor guy deserves to have some fun... he's been pretty tolerant of all the changes lately. I hope this goes better than last time. I'm worried that it's going to hurt again. So we're kissing, and I wonder why I don't feel excited like I used to. Hormones I guess, let's keep trying. He's caressing me now and it feels nice but I'm having trouble concentrating... I'm worried because it's taking so long to get the engines revved. Every time he touches my breasts I tense up a little. I know on an intellectual level that this should feel good, but these things have a higher purpose now. Bizzare notions that using them for sex is cheating on the baby and vice versa cross my mind. I try to push these thoughts away, only to wonder if his attention to my breasts might cause 'let-down'. I'd be absolutely mortified if I started leaking milk right now! Uh-oh, his hands are headed south and I'm not even wet yet. I'm failing! What's wrong with me, this always worked before?! I tell myself to stop it, just concentrate on the physical and quit thinking too much. It looks like we'll have to resort to using lubricant again. I feel like a failure. I'm broken somehow... my body just doesn't respond like it used to. Can he possibly understand? Does he even want a woman like me any more? Oh please don't let it hurt this time!


Ok - now tell me, do you feel sexy right now?

Please be patient with her. I'm not saying I can read your wife's mind, but there's more than just hormones at work here, and the hormones are pretty significant. She's probably just as concerned about the future as you are.

I can understand your frustration at not seeing an end in sight for a long time. I went from being totally responsive to having no response in a matter of weeks before my wedding and 15 years later have not experienced a resolution to the problem. My husband has been extremely supportive and has regularly spent 45 minutes to stimulate me to orgasm. I have had painful intercourse since day one of our marriage which has made me want to avoid sex. I am in the process of seeing specialists and in the mean time I have been advised to avoid intercourse. My husband does not mind the masturbation/oral sex route occaisionally, but I know he would like variety if we have to avoid intercourse for awhile.

I was given a recommendation on a book from my support group leader called "Let me Count the Ways: Discovering great sex without intercourse" by Marty Klein. I have not read it yet myself though. I just ordered it through one of Amazon's partners. It is not available except through places that have out-of-print items. Your library may have it as well.

Do not feel guilty for expressing your feelings. Dealing with a partner who has painful intercourse is something no one is prepared for. You seem to be open to learning and that is the key to getting through this. Find someone who can be your support to express your frustrations with so you are dealing with your feelings without putting pressure on your wife. Find out from your wife the best way to approach her in this area, so she does not feel pressured but she can help you with your needs.

We all have our difficulties in life and I know that it is frustrating for a man when these difficulties are in the area of sex. I know this sounds trite but: Hang in there!!

Cyndi

Having been through this with two babies, I can absolutely promise you it gets a lot better after they leave for college.

)

Eva

You need to get a Fleshlight. You say she is willing to masturbate you--with a Fleshlight it will feel much, much better than manual stimulation and may take some of the pressure off until the situation resolves on its own after breastfeeding is over or later when you try some kind of FSD treatment. I recommend the super-tight Speed Bump insert. Trust me.

*bump*

I think the first thing to remember is that you're not alone. It's not at all uncommon for a woman to lose interest in having sex after she has given birth.

So remember - it's not something that necessarily reflects on you at all. It's a chemical/bodily thing. I think it's also important to be gentle and compassionate and understanding of your wife. Women have to go through a lot of physical and emotional ups and downs during and after child-birth.

I think you and your partner might benefit from counselling. There are counsellors that specialize in sexual matters, post-child-birth sexual issues and so on.

Perhaps find some in your local area and give it a shot. Best of luck - you know you have the support of everyone here at hisandherhealth!