His and Her Health

Long post warning.<P>Hey there I'm new here to the boards but I have really needed to talk to someone about this. <P>I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for going on 8 years now. We fell in love at a distance and lived that way for a good 5-6 years. We managed at the time it was very romantic. I loved her I wanted to marry her when I went to visit her we had wonderful visits. Things were passionate and romantic we made love for ours and ours. It was rarely ever bad. This continued to go well, she proposed to me herself about a year before she finally moved to california to be with me. It was a very exciting time. I love her with all my heart. That was about 2 years ago once she got here the job market in california was still in the middle of the down turn. So she was stressed about that. It took her about 6 months to finally get a job. It was a personal stress because my job more then took care of the rent and bills. I was more then happy to do this. The woman of my dreams was finally here and with me and a constant reality. <P> So finally after getting not just a job but perhaps the job of her dreams doing commercial art her stress level has only seemed to go up. She is heavily in demand at her job and she has several outside related activities which also give her stress and concern. Thus for the last 2 years our sex life has kinda been in the crapper. We would have sex maybe once every 4 weeks or so and then lately the time just seems to slowly. She is always worrying about something be it feeding our cat, work the next day, something in her activities. She can also be very guarded about her body and her sexuality. <P> A bit about me. I'm a 28 year old Engineer/Computer animator artist who works in the valley in South bay california. I am a very romantic in my opinion very sensual guy. I have a special love for the female anatomy. I love to just admire sometimes. Feel curves and just look at it because I feel its so beautiful. I (Big surprise) love making love to my fiancee. I am huge into foreplay and love taking my time. My rule is that the woman comes first if at all possible and hopefully more. I am very passionate and I think I'm alittle fixated on the sexuality but I always have been. She knew this about me going into the relationship 8 years ago. I feel like I need that sexual contact with her. There is no danger of me ever cheating because I think its wrong in general but I am a flirt this doesn't mean I ever flirt or dance with other girls in front of her just in my way of carrying myself. I can be alittle arrogant sometimes and overconfident. My sex drive feels like it has increased as I have gotten older. which SUCKS. I am at a point where I feel like me being sexual around her at all puts pressure on her and just reminds her of what were not doing. Its just part of who I am and its very difficult for me to contain my ineuendo or my jokes. I'm very playful and I love the idea of a grope or a grab. I love it when she does it to me but she is always hands off on her. <P> I tried for a time to just wait and let her take the initiative but then we were still only at about once a month. This doesn't work for me I need this more I would consider once every two weeks to be a huge improvement. I tried doing some sensual massages for her, tried surprising her with a bath with candles and chamomile bubbles and such. Kinda standard I know but I thought it was a start. It doesn't seem to work. when i massaged her she just got sleepy. When I gave her a bath she got stressed out that I was expecting something. That hurt my feelings more then I let on. Why shouldn't I expect my fiancee to be attracted and want to make love to me. why is touching such a problem when it hasn't been before. She has initiated things a couple of times but those have been so few and far between. Whenever I take the initiative most of the time I get shot down. Sometimes I feel she is wound so tight these days that she is gonna snap. We have had talks about this which really seem to go nowhere I see no real improvement. Sex with me or just plain letting her hair down never seem to be a priority. I as a person am very logical and have a tendency to come to conclusions and the ones I come to scare me. I am often scared that she isn't attracted to me anymore and that affects my ability to keep trying. Because as funny as it sounds. I need to feel sexy and wanted too otherwise where is the motivation to try and do things if I'm just gonna get shot down. <P> I tell her I love her daily and she is one of the sexiest women I have ever known and I don't want anyone else so even if I believed in it cheating is not an option. I am fully story book in love with this woman but it grates on me that I feel like I'm fighting an up hill battle against her. Not just sexually but just her letting herself enjoy life. I know alot of this is her own perception she has often told me that she doesn't feel sexy but this seems constantly now there are other issues and details. I don't know how to combat this because I feel I'm not just fighting whats going on with her but I'm fighting myself. I want her, I crave her and I can't have her the way i want. I used to and thats also killing me so I'm trying to see constantly how I can improve and do other things. Sometimes I feel that even this makes her feel bad because it doesn't seem to make anything better just adds stress. I needed to talk to somebody about this. Thank you very much for any advice or help. <BR>

Hi Greynight:<BR>Quite a long post, indeed. I can tell that your situation has you pretty upset, and it's easy to see why.<BR>Unfortunately, this is not the sort of problem we can "cure" in this forum. At the present time, she sounds stressed and withdrawn, and your pursuit of her leads nowhere except to more hurt feelings and unfulfilled expectations. Maybe it's not even about sex for her; it sounds like intimacy itself might be a problem.<BR>I strongly recommend that you seek counseling, perhaps first alone, and then together. Don't expect getting married is going to solve this by itself. Better you should find a solution and be truly satisfied with the results before you take the plunge.<BR>Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>Supportive Guy

i was wondering if you still have this problem or what you have done to "fix" the problem. it sounds like a post my boyfriend would write, sort of, and was hoping for some help. let me know what you have done since then.