His and Her Health

I know this sounds like a broken record but I have been reading others stories about "no desire" and I am in the same situation as them but, the only medication I'm taking is Avlimil because of no sexual desire. I could care less whether we make love once a month. My husband is on over the road truck driver (OTR for short) and he wants it everyday he is in. He's out on the road 2-3 weeks at a time. He became a truck driver 3 years after we were married. (without discussing it with me first I might add) He has always had a large appetite for sex. I never have had. I have been told, repeatedly, it's my "job as a wife" and "If you loved me you would want to". I do love him but he doesn't always make me feel very loved. He's very selfish and self-adoring. I enjoy spending time with him for the most part but as I've read in some of the other postings, I would do anything to avoid making love. We have been together over 10 years and we have a dedcent relationship for the most part but when it comes to the love making...he says I need help. He has often accused me of infidelity...which I have never been unfaithful but I feel he does that because he is either insecure or guilty himself. I open to opinions and suggestions. Oh and I just can't do the masturbation or vibrator thing.

I'm not familiar with Avlimil. Does this mean you are seeing a doctor about the low sex drive? If so, and it's not working, does the doctor know that? Talk to the doctor. If you're getting nowhere, see another doctor.

Does you husband know you're working on the problem? If not, tell him. A marriage needs intimacy, and if it can't be sexual intimacy you can at least discuss the intimate details of your problem and what's being done to fix it. To me, that would mean a lot.

I divorced my wife of 27 years because she had no sex drive and would not acknowlege there was a problem, let alone try to fix it. We got along fine other than the sex issue, but her reluctance to do anything about it finally pushed me to end the marriage. We'd not had sex in 12-15 years, the last time ending when she told me to "hurry up, I need to get to sleep." I didn't feel loved either, and in return I didn't give much love.

I don't believe it's your "job as a wife" to have sex, but it is the responsibility of both partners to do what they can to make the marriage a close, loving and intimate relationship. Admit you have a problem, try to fix it, and keep your partner informed of how it's going. Failure to do so will surely lead to a divorce at best, and a long, unsatisfying, bitter marriage at worst.

Moe, are you serious? Mary's husband is gone most of the time, is selfish and self-adoring, and expects her to have sex with him because it's her duty. It's quite a reach for you to conclude that Mary needs to admit that SHE is the one with the problem. It's perfectly reasonable for anyone to not be interested in having sex with someone like that. Her husband is the one who needs to do some self-improvement work.

I have to go with Conner on this one. There are soooo many problems in this relationship. She says she'd never had a desire for sex, so I am going to assume he's always known that. If it was a dealbreaker, he shouldn't have married her (if she hid it, or had a strong drive but now doesn't, it would be somewhat different).

Mary, first get off the Avlimil. It's a scam, and some of the herbals in it aren't known as being safe for long-term use. Getting off the billing cycle could be tough, and the company is involved in a large, class-action lawsuit about exactly that.

Next, it isn't suprising that you don't have much drive if your husband is gone 2-3 weeks at a time. Many, many women need ongoing, regular intimacy and contact in order to be in the mood to have sex. This isn't weird, uncommon, or a disorder at all. If your husband expects more sex, he should consider a career (such as an intrastate driver) that would allow him to be home more to help meet your needs so you could help him meet his. This isn't a one-way street. If you're not getting what you need, there's no reason to expect you'd just "be in the mood" to give him what he needs.

As Conner says, he also needs to work on his attitude. I rarely recommend therapy, but in this case I suspect that about the only thing that will help the two of you because you're coming from places so different with these thoughts that you'll need a translator to communicate.

Lastly, if you've never been a sexual person, that may just be how you are. Everyone is different. If you'd once had a strong drive and had lost it, there would be more things to look at; however, as you say you've never been sexual, it may just not be part of who you are. As long as you were honest with your husband before marriage and he accepted it, and as long as it doesn't bother you for yourself (as opposed to feeling you have to be a sexual person for him, which isn't likely to work), it may just be in your programming. If it bothers you, you could look into possible causes (upbringing, religion, relationship, hormones, health & meds, etc.) and treatments. Unless the relationship changes, however, it is unlikely that any of this will help much.

Uhhhh.... Mary said she's taking medication for having no sex drive, and that she loves him but "would do anything to avoid making love." That sounds to me like she does have a problem. Blaming it all on her husband is certainly not going to help.

It sounds to me like they both need counseling too. I would hope that a medical doctor would put her in touch with a therapist, but it sounds to me like the root of the problem is physical. (My expertise is ONLY that I've been in a very bad marriage and a very good one.)

I'm not siding with anyone, but if Mary has been doing "anything to avoid making love" with her husband for 10 years, that could foster some ill feelings. Him saying it's her "job as a wife" could do the same.

It's time for a check-up and tune-up... or a complete overhaul. I don't think having sex is an absolute must for a good marriage, but intimacy is a must, just as unselfish behavior is a must.

Thanks for the input Moe. Didn't mean to make it sound like it's all his fault, but he is demanding in that way and it is a big turn off. I actually do enjoy love making and I think about "wanting him" when he is gone but then when he gets home...he is not as attractive to me any more. He has put on a lot of weight, he doesn't brush his teeth very often and that is just a turn off for me. He had told me at one time if I ever got fat that he would divorce me. I believe he was joking, sort of, and I don't want to get fat either. I pride myself in the fact that I'm 49 and nobody can tell. I stay physically fit and have been fortunate to "age gracefully". He doesn't coddle me like he used to, and it's like a "wham, bam, thank you maam" thing now. I actually have gone to the doctor that's how I heard about the Avlimil. I told him I wanted that feeling back that I had before. I looked forward to making love to my husband. And not to make excuses, but he doesn't do things like he used to...you know what I mean. We have alot on our plates and have had many stresses in our marriage and it is a struggle to have the energy for love making and I know you have to make time. But make me feel like I'm important all of the time not just when you want nookie!!! He told me also, one time that what his fantasy was for when he came off the road was for me to be naked cooking dinner and have the batteries charged up in the boat. Ok, he gets in at 2:00 in the a.m. a lot of the time, and I'm sorry but I'm usually exhausted by the end of the day and don't feel like just getting an hour or two sleep before I have to go to work. Selfish huh? Why is it that I can want him so bad when he's gone and not want him when he gets home. And he blames me for not wanting sex and doesn't take any responsibility for any part of it. I'm still listening though so somebody can respond. I know I DO need some help. Thanks.

Thank you connor and dona1 for your input. Didn't know about the law suit . I don't feel the medicine is working any way but I thought I just needed more time.
I think my first husband did have a lot to do with my sexual drive because he was an alcoholic and died from complications, (boy I do pick winners)my dad is also. My first husband was demanding sexually also. To be gross...he didn't care if I was on my period or not...he wanted it and expected it. I am a very affectionate and loving person and have always been faithful in my marriages. I love cuddling and kissing and holding...all that mushy stuff. I do have to say though that sometimes that's actually enough for me. I get excited but it is so infrequent and that is why I say I've never been very sexually oriented. I had to have a hysterectomy when I was 27 and have been dealing with pre and post menopause for some time now. I felt like that was a contributing factor. Can we all say "I'm so confused"!!!!

<small>[ August 11, 2005, 19:55: Message edited by: NEWSHE Moderator ]</small>

Sorry, one more thing. I meant that my husband and I have been married for a little over 10 years not that we don't ever make love. We do every time he comes in off the road. It's just not every day that he's home. More like only 2 days out of 4. I could just live with 1.