His and Her Health

I just found out yesterday that my husband had sex with a perfect stranger! Not only am I crushed to death and don`t know what to do, but I`m worried about diseases!! Can anyone give me advice?

Im sorry,i know how u feel.the best advice i can give you is to go to your OB/GYN and get a blood test taken for HIV,gonohrrea,herpes,hepatitis,etc.
Its better that way you'll know and wont feel the way you do now.Good Luck,hope everything goes well

I have a few questions for you, though you may not want to discuss this rationally right now.

Is this the first time? You proabaly think the answer is yes, but if it is a habit, you could easily have been denying it because of the pain. If it is really the first time, then the next question is;

How is your relationship with your husband? Is it able to weather something like this?

You have every right to be really really angry at him, and make his life miserable for a while. You also have every right to fully trust your husband which you may never be able to do again.

Some couples discover a deep flaw in how they interact and have the opportunity to correct it as a result of an affair. I have read lots about why people have affairs, and they usually come from not getting their needs met in their marriages. But the sex in an affair is often a natural result of the intemacy they find with the other person that they are missing in their marriage.

A one night stand like your husband had is a totally different issue. It is more likely a reaction to something, or a habit you were not aware of. Needless to say, it is very poor judgement on his part. To cheat like that is taking a really big risk for very little gain. He definitely lost your trust, possibly lost your marriage, and could have exposed you to STD's as you said. All this for a few minutes of sex.

One thought is to refuse to have sex with him until HE takes the tests tweety mentioned. He did this, so you get to be mad.

If you really love him, look at the long game with him, and carefully deal with the situation with some help from your pastor, marriage counselors, or other qualfied help. Be angry, irritate and cruel to him as much as you need to, but be careful not to push the situation beyond repair by doing distructive things to your relationship that can not be repaired. Eventually, you will come to beleive that he has worked his tail off to win your heart back, because he really loves you. And then you get to do things that irritate him for the rest of his life because of him being unfaithful, like calling him any time you want, as often as you like, when he is out after dark without you.

If you ever catch him again. Your decision will be a little different. It will no longer be, "can I live with this guy after he cheated on me?" but rather, "Can I live with someone who cheats on me?" Their might be reasons for doing that, Hillary Clinton does.

The other option is to be tough, and leave. Just pack your things, and go to a lawyer with everything you have on him cheating on you, and take him for everything he has. Noone will look down on you for that.

Anyway, good luck. It must be very painful.

hey andy, that was deep. some things i never thought of too. good work

Thank you so much for responding. It means a lot! My husb. got a blood test yesterday. Hopefully we`ll know something by Mon. We started counseling. But this is like a roller coaster! I just can`t believe this really happened to me!! It makes me feel so crappy! Thanx for your concern, Shannon

Shannon: A hot woman can work her ways on a man and if he had been drinking even though he is 100% wrong when a woman sets her sights on something she wants she will go to hell to get it. He was so wrong. My heart aches for you more than you will ever know. But NEVER discount it if that woman was out for sex. She is going to get what she wants. You have to remember she wanted sex and needed it and was going to get it. It was not all his fault. I am not saying he was right in doing this but sometimes the flesh is weak. We forgive and keep loving. Peace and love, Caroline

<small>[ 05-05-2006, 08:58 AM: Message edited by: Moderator ]</small>

This is true, Caroline. And that is just what happened, my husb. was so drunk, he said he couldn`t stand anymore, so he sat on the couch and the girl just got on him..... He has since, quit drinking! I`m so glad!! But, I will forever be scarred. Shannon

Honey be scared but be forgiving. He will feel bad enough the rest of his life. Sure he should not have done it but a woman can really be a dangerous sexual turn on. He has quit drinking. He is sorry. It was a one night affair. A lot of us in life have made mistakes that we are not proud of and that does not make us a bad person. It makes us a person who made a mistake. Mistakes are forgiven. They are not forgotten as that will always be in the back of your mind and maybe it should be. But don't throw it at him too much. Watch him and love him to death. That is what I would do. Never give him a chance to ever want to love another woman. That is if you love him like I think you do.

If this was an affair but it wasn't. It was a sexual fling engineered by a horny woman who was gonna get him either way. I hope everything works out and I love your name. Much love to you, Caroline

Thanx Caroline. You are too sweet! I never thought I could hate someone, but I hate that girl!! Shannon

Dear Shannon: You are so very welcome. Some women make mistakes too when they are young. It is just life. We are learning each day of our life. Just concentrate on loving that man of yours and try to not let this get in the way or bring it up. Let it go and in time the hated will go too. Just love each other and be happy. I send you much love for a great future together. Caroline

It was definitely his choice and it hurt you. He should be repentant.
The only frustrating part is that women seem to assume after they're married that once a week or maybe every two weeks to have sex is enough. Men want an average of 3 times a week. Yes it is important to us. How would you like it if we only talked to you once a week? It does not make us shallow any more than wanting to talk is shallow for you.
More frequent sex is not a guarantee, but at least we won't be leaving the house hornier than a mule deer. Yes, he is responsible for his actions. The delima is this: we can't get it often enough at home; we can't go out and get it; and we get tired of masturbating.

Shannon,

First of all, I'm so, so sorry this has happened to both of you.

How did you find out? Did he tell you or did you learn of it some other way? Telling you relieves his conscience and destroys your peace of mind, so it wouldn't really give him any brownie points in my book, but at least you do know what you're dealing with. He does get points for getting checked for STD's rather than just taking a chance.

I would try not to get too wrapped up in hating the other woman. Sure, she's disgusting for what she did, but she didn't owe you anything and she's not where you need to focus your energies. In other words, don't just hate her and forgive your "poor, innocent husband". The two of you have work to do.

Your husband chose to get blotto, apparently in circumstances where anything could, and did, happen. At any point prior to having sex he could have made the decision to stop drinking, leave the party, call a cab, go to another room and talk with others (or whatever). Yes, she took advantage of him and he might also actually be having feelings similar to rape. I do have sympathy for that. You both would probably benefit from individual counseling.

Finally, I don't know how old you both are. I'm 45. When I was younger I always thought an affair or even a single "slip" would mean the end of my marriage or relationship. I don't necessarily believe that anymore. I'm a much more confident woman now and really know in my heart that a man would be crazy to cheat on me. It may or may not mean the end of our relationship, but it wouldn't mean I'm less of a woman or less of a human being.

My hope for both of you is that you can completely heal and rebuild your relationship, without feelings of either guilt or suspicion.

HappyGirl

I've been in relationships where I would be thrilled if he only talked to me once a week! lol

Seriously - if you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting. Barring any health problems - if you want more sex, you need to figure out what makes your woman feel sexy.