His and Her Health

I was molested for 12 years by my step father. And now after 12 years of being out of my mothers house, I am still affected by it. Can anyone explain that to me? I am a very physical person and I love to have sex with my husband, but some of the things I say a girlfriend of mine says"well that goes right back to what your step father did to you" <BR> I am not a freak, I don't have nightmares, I guess I thought everyone was the way I am. Are they not?

I'm always hesitent to give advice on anything I have not experienced first hand. So I'll get that out of the way first. But I do know that you have to confront traumatic experiences head on and deal with them, and that we are all not equipped to do this on our own. You haven't mentioned THERAPY. Have you had it? Do you feel you have dealt with these issues? Things like this affect us on a much deeper level than we are usually aware of. Maybe your friend is right and maybe she isn't.

Siren, He was caught when I was 10 and pled guilty to insest with a minor, he got 10 yrs probation. The judge ordered my mother him and I to attend family counciling(that was a joke!!)I have dealt with the anger and pain I felt towards him and my mother (she allowed him to move back in the house and as a result he contued to abuse me) I was told if I told her he would hurt her and me and that is something I didn't want. I have been to a therapist on my own due to some problems my husband and I were having and he automaticly blamed all of my indecressions on my stepfather. Could that be? Could that sob have messed me up so bad that I cannot be the wife and mother I want to be, no matter how hard I try? Thank You Siren<BR> Angela

Angela honey, he could only mess you up that bad now with your consent. I just hear desperation in what you said. Of course you are incredibly angry, that is still there, and though I don't want you to think I equate an affair with abuse I still wake up shaking (with ANGER and pain)in the night sometimes. I know you can never forgive completely and certainly not forget but you can learn to live, the way you want. My therapist was a Yung follower and I got so I could antcipate her questions. For example 'why are you letting this dominate you, your thoughts, etc?' why are you GIVING this person so much power?' What are YOU getting out of this behavior? That last one is the real thought provoker and my therapist would never allow I DON"T KNOW she would make me ramble until I came up with something, My own feeling is you still need some councelling, maybe with someone different and maybe you might need it on and off for a long time. Therapy can teach you skills to deal with things but sometimes our old habits and ways take over and we need a little help to be nudged back into using those skills. In another post I talked about meditation and how I started using it in the bedroom, My problem was I kept seeing HER (the other women) there tormenting me ( I'm better than you, I',m younger than you , I'm thinner than you) And I had to ask myself all those Q's the therapist would ask ESPECIALLY "what am I getting out of this" (an excuse to behave badly????) I* know I'm still RAMBLING but I hope it helps.<p>[This message has been edited by the siren (edited 08 May 2002).]

I want to thank the both of you for your advice. When I went to the last therapist I was not looking for an excuse for the affairs. I was looking for a reason, Why do I keep taking a chance on loosing a wonderful husband who loves me? None of the men gave me anything that he does not. I just felt like blaming it on (as my brother calls him)"bas---- Bill" was a comp out and that is not what i was looking to do. I did learn that the anger I felt towards my mother was eating away at me like cancer and it had to be gotten rid of. So, at the instruction of my therapist, I put all of those feelings on paper, I cryed and screamed and hit things during the process of writing this letter to my mother. I never sent the letter. Instead, I burned it. And the feelings that go along with that memory were supposed to go up with it. I guess it worked some. I can not talk to my mother with out wanting to hurt her badly. But that may be because I don't talk to her much. But thank you both for the help. I guess I just have to live with the fact that strange sexual fantacies go along with being a survivor! Angela

Well, this seems like a different situation than I thought it was. You've had affairs. This is a different story, but the same story. <P>I see what she is meaning. You learn to love in a certain way. Your father "loves" you, so this is what "love" is like, and you want to be loved. Everyone does. I have read about this before. Go to the NewShe homepage, and read the exerpt from "Love Sick," near the bottom there is a link to read an exerpt. What this woman's therapist says might make more sense than what I can say. This is actually not an unusual way for sexually abused women (esp. those abused by their fathers) to react. And if this is the case, then it is quite similar. Also, on the NEWSHE homepage, the fidelity episode. You may want to read that. It might help you see things more clearly. It helped me see more clearly why my husband cheated on a previous girlfriend, and it helped him, too. Sorry if I am misreading you. It's hard to tell sometimes what people mean. I hope this helps!

I am working very hard on my relationship with my husband because of the affaires in the past there are some trust issues where he and I are concerned. When I went to the therapist I was not looking for an excuse, I was looking for a reason and a cure! I love my husband more than anything and would do anything I could to make him happy and keep him with me. He has put up with my self distructive behavior and still loves me. I don't now and hope top never again have the feeling that I did regarding an affair. It is not worth loosing everything that we have worked so hard for 12 years to have. The therapist thought that after just 3 visits I was cured. Is there such thing? Again I want to thank all of you ladies for your help!<BR> Angela

Yes the past stay with you. I find myself having to deal with a certain way my husband touches me that sends me back almost 30 yrs... I tell him all the time I'm so tired of how crowded (SP) (too full) our bed is because of all my ghosts. I was molested at 8 till about 12-13 by A man I trusted even love unconditionally (like all children love) at the same time frame although I don't remember when it started I was being molested by other family friend. The first was full penatration the second only allowed/ forced oral. During my pre-teen year I allowed 2 male cousins to do anything they wanted to me. I had sex with ever boyfriend I ever had and sometimes had sex to try to get a boyfriend.... was nearly gang rape by one boyfriends buddies while he watched, thank God that didn't happen,but close enough I still shake if I'm near the area it almost happened. I was pregnant by 17 and the guy who started dated me while I was pregnant only asked me out cause I was a safe @#*9 .... or he could at least get head.... little did he know that was the one thing I could not do.... I was to afriad of being alone so I married that SOB 10 years of him forcing me to have sex with other men so he might get their wife/ girlfriend whatever which usually didn't happen. b/c they didn't mind cheating on their wives but to let her be with someone else was out of the question. I'm now divorced and remarried to an angel from above my soul mate and I could care less about making love most of the time. In the beginning I couldn't get enough.... I tell him the this joke all the time.... how do you cure a nypho? You marry her! Keep talking keeping reminding yourself you are worth be loved and your husband loves you not just what you can do for him..... Some days it's the only way I get through the day!<BR>Godd luck........<BR>PS sad thing is the I see my step daughter, doing the same thing I did for the same reason, exposed to sex to young and looking for something in sex she isn't going to find.

*bump for 20something!*