His and Her Health

I took a great deal of time putting this together, and though some of you might enjoy it! I would love to hear what you think. I tried to, in a bit of a frustrated state, post regarding people's responses to lack of sexual satisfaction with partners, and I think this might be a much more productive means of saying what I wanted to say. It was inspired by a quote I saw elsewhere on this page...Enjoy!<P>On Commitment<P>Operational Definition <BR>(meaning for our purposes)<P>Commitment<BR>Function: noun<BR>a : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future b : something pledged c : the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled <a commitment to a cause><P><BR>This is a word that so often is misused to the detriment of those we are “emotionally impelledâ€

I agree up to a certain point, but there is still a place for what you call "negative" commitments. That is, you can rephrase "I won't sleep around" into a positive statement, but what counts is the original sentiment, regardless of how it is phrased.<P>I am not sure I can believe that people have trouble with commitment nowadays simply because things are phrased "negatively," to use your term. To me it seems more due to a society that's more individualistic, less "religious" in the strict sense, less fear-based about hell and what God and the neighbors will think, and add to that too many stresses and not enough time to sit down and communicate effectively.<P>Ruby

Thank you for the reply!<P>I cannot deny that some people only respond to negatives, threats, or ultimatums. That is just reality. Its probably linked to stages of moral development, (see kohlberg, piaget, erickson etc etc) and those folks are still operating in the concrete stage, or claims to authority, rather than abstracted morality. <P>If what I am saying sounds strange, you may remember this better as that person who once posed the question "if your mother was dying in her bed and could be cured if she had a certain medicine, but you wouldn't have the money until thursday, and she was going to die on wednesday, would you steal it". That is just an example, but these stages are researched by many different theorists, and opinions vary. <P>However, I was not suggesting this as someting to do ten years into a marriage that has operated on negatives, or "don't" statements. It was a means of starting a relationship in exactly the social climate you just explained.<P>Its a possible answer, (not right or wrong just what works for those I know and for myself), to this question, in a time where the fire and brimstone nonsense just isn't bought hook line and sinker anymore.<P>Anything couched in negative or positive terms, together or separately, is still just control. The only difference made herein is to make that control agreed upon and clear, rather than absolute and individual. <P>Again thank you for responding.<BR>Tim<BR>

I just wanted to say that I appreciate the thought and time you took with your original post! I read it (several times, as a matter of fact), and then took what I could use from it, and had a discussion with my husband about our marriage.<P>We both try to use positives instead of negatives throughout our daily lives, and our marriage is no exception. It's something that seems so simple, but it really works. <P>Like a previous poster mentioned, sometimes there is no difference between the positive and the negative, simply syntax...I agree with this and I disagree with this. Yes, the message is the same, but it's more than that. <P>Putting something into a positive light, seems to make it easier to understand, easier to agree with, and easier to implement in your life.<P>Again, thank you for your thoughtful post, especially on a board with such a delicate subject matter. <P>Tracie<BR>

I just wanted to say that I appreciate the thought and time you took with your original post! I read it (several times, as a matter of fact), and then took what I could use from it, and had a discussion with my husband about our marriage.<P>We both try to use positives instead of negatives throughout our daily lives, and our marriage is no exception. It's something that seems so simple, but it really works. <P>Like a previous poster mentioned, sometimes there is no difference between the positive and the negative, simply syntax...I agree with this and I disagree with this. Yes, the message is the same, but it's more than that. <P>Putting something into a positive light, seems to make it easier to understand, easier to agree with, and easier to implement in your life.<P>Again, thank you for your thoughtful post, especially on a board with such a delicate subject matter. <P>Tracie<BR>

Thanks for the feedback again <P>Its always difficult to put your thoughts in writing, nevermind then posting them for scrutiny! I think you hit on something ...saying that you agree and disagree but that implementing it becomes easier that way. <P>The point is, if its only syntax, and there is a CHANCE it could help/be easier/more comfortable/more successful, what do you have to lose by trying <P>The bottom line is we are all trying to have relationships, they are all different types, and we are all different individuals. The only thing we all have in common is that sex, commitment, and happiness vary for us all, and it effects our relationships. Sometimes its physical, sometimes its mental, sometimes its emotional, and most often, a complex mixture of all three. <P>We can't always fix the physical things, we are rarely willing to fix/change the mental things even when we think we are, and the only thing harder to do than that is change how we FEEL about things. <P>I refuse, however, to believe it is a losing battle, and continue to search for subtle ways of improving what I can, and not allowing what I can't change to rule my life.<P>Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I really hope it brings just one more smile, one more warm feeling, one more passionate embrase to you in your life. If not, then what did I lose? Just time. The investment to gain ratio is stacked in our favor!<P>hugs,<BR>Tim

Perhaps commitment in emotional and intimate relations should mean "I respect you as a person and in doing so, I choose to do my best to not harm you." All that stuff about not sleeping around or being abusive would come under the umbrella of such a statement, because respect warrants those things. My BF and I have been together for 7 years. It's hard sometimes because I want to get married and things like that. But I don't want him to do something just because I want it. I respect his choice. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me or want to be with me. The marriage is not the commitment. Lots of people get married and end up getting divorced, because they fail to see that distinction. The commitment is veiled in other actions. The way you treat each other, the way you try to see things from the other person's perspective. I don't know. It seems perhaps you have to be friends too. Have love and respect for each other first and foremost. I don't say stay with someone if they cheat or if they are abusive. You yourself have to determine what happened and how it happened.... was it a negation of the commitment or contract? If so You have every reason to leave. I don't know what I would do in that situation. You may be able to get through it if you both figure out what went wrong and work real hard to fix it. Every situation is different. Trust is a hard thing to get back once its gone, and you can't have a relationship without it.