His and Her Health

I am a 20 years old- young, I know- but I have enjoyed a very fullfilling sex life until now. Just recently I lost all sexual desire for the man I'm dating.(he's great in bed, that's not a problem) I have never really settled down and had a boyfriend for long, and we've been together for 8 months. Sex used to be a huge part of my life- I never had a problem with orgasm, and was once dumped because I wanted sex too often. I used to love to try new things and places, but within the past few weeks that has all changed. I still enjoy being around my boyfriend, but now I never initiate sex and turn him down all the time. I think it could be something medical, seeing how I was such a maniac until just now. He is older, 28, and says that from experience he thinks the relationship will do nothing but spiral downward because I don't want him like I used to; and that being so young, I'm just bored with him, since I've never committed and liked change. I don't think this is true, because I have no desire to be with anyone else or even dip into my vast array of toys on my own. Has anyone ever experienced this, heard of it, anything?! Can my body be literally 'sexed-out' or is it a psycological issue in that I truly deep down don't want him anymore? I hope this is not the case, but this problem really has both of us perplexed. I would appreciate any ideas! Thanks.

This is just my opinion, but if this is your first long term relationship, maybe you're just having some commitment issues.<P>Of course, I would definitely recommend discussing this with your doctor, as there are certainly any number of physical issues that could be going on. <P>Have you thought about your method of birth control? You don't mention it in your post, but the pill is one of the worst offenders in lack of desire. <P>If you have open and honest communication with your boyfriend, the two of you should be able to address some of the issues that come up in a "stale" relationship.<P>Just my thoughts!<P>Tracie<BR>

Tracie is right. There are a long list of drugs that can cause problems, including hormonal birth-control. Anti-depressants also are often serious culprits.<P>Have there been changes in what drugs you're taking. New drugs, dosing changes? Any OTC drugs or herbs? A full list of drugs your currently taking would probably be helpful.<P>You can find a more complete list on the website listed in my profile. See the desire-disorder section.<P>Also, you might consider two books.<P>I already recommended these today, but here they are again.<P>I'm Not in the Mood: What Every Woman Should Know about Improving Her Libido, by Judith Reichman - Score, 9/10 <P>Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship by David Schnarch (One really doesn't need both of David Schnarch's books, but both are good and somewhat different. Resurrecting Sex discusses medical causes for sexual dysfunction, where Passionate Marriage only reviews the psychological, though it's an excellent book.)<P>I've read both and think they address a whole range of issues. Even if they don't help with your current situation, and I think it's likely they will, the concepts are excellent and will almost certainly be helpful sometime in the future. (BTW, I don't make a cent when anyone buys one of these, though as often as I recommend them, I ought to. LOL)<P><BR><B>Tracie</B><BR>I want to take the opportunity to say thanks to you. You've made very useful and helpful comments to posters over the last few days. It's nice to see people taking time to give to others. Thanks!<P>Best wishes,<BR>Greg<p>[This message has been edited by distressed_12345 (edited 10 July 2003).]

Well, I am on the Pill, but have been using the same one since I started having sex 4 or 5 yrs ago, and have never had a problem with it. I'm not on any other medications, am healthy, active, and never suffered from depression. I'll look into the books suggested, and thanks for responding, but if anyone has any ideas on specifically what kind of medical problem this could be, please let me know!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by t_mccray:<BR><B>This is just my opinion, but if this is your first long term relationship, maybe you're just having some commitment issues.<P>Of course, I would definitely recommend discussing this with your doctor, as there are certainly any number of physical issues that could be going on. <P>Have you thought about your method of birth control? You don't mention it in your post, but the pill is one of the worst offenders in lack of desire. <P>If you have open and honest communication with your boyfriend, the two of you should be able to address some of the issues that come up in a "stale" relationship.<P>Just my thoughts!<P>Tracie</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

hollybee, it's unlikely there's a medical cause for your feelings. This is the stage in a relationship where you start to lose those initial powerful giddy feelings about someone (we're all maniacs then!), and you have to decide whether you want to take your relationship to the next stage, or move along. Some people have difficulty taking any relationship to the next stage and they jump from one short relationship to the next. They feel they must no longer be in love if they no longer get sweaty palms when their partner walks in the room. They become "addicted" to those feelings, so you'll want to make sure you don't fall into that pattern. It sounds like you have a good guy on your hands. Try to stick it out a little longer and let the intimacy between the two of you develop and see where it leads. If it doesn't develop, then move on. Don't try to force it if it isn't there. Most of us have been there, done that, so yes, we certainly know what you're experiencing.

I am concerned more with the fact that you feel no sexual urge far more more than you don't feel an urge towards your partner. If it were the latter, I'd tend to agree with Owner and think that it was just boredom, commitment fear, etc. However, since you seem to have lost all desire, I believe you should look into some other things. Have you tried watching porn or other erotica (if you don't object to this type of material, of course)? If so, can this get you aroused? Is it that you are never spontaneously "in the mood," or can you not achieve arousal even if your partner initiates? Sorry for being nosy, but these are symptoms of different things, and will make a difference in the advice you get here.<P>First, *do* have a medical checkup. Hormones aside, loss of libido can be a side effect of medical conditions like thyroid problems, onsetting diabetes, and a variety of other things. It would be good to rule these things out before beginning to shell out lots of cash on other things. It's the KIS theory--Keep it simple. Or, Akham's razor, if you like: the simplest explanation is most likely the correct one. Since these things are fairly easy to check out and usually covered by insurance, might as well rule them out first rather than last.<P>If your general check-up comes back okay, consider switching birth control if you can. The hormones in your body naturally change throughout your life, and a medication that hasn't given you problems in the past can begin giving you problems at a later date. Many bc's have sexual desire issues as a side effect. Trying a lower-dose bc may be a good alternative, or one of the newer "rings" if your doctor thinks they'd be right for you.<P>During this phase of ruling things out, set aside time to try your own sexual response. It may mean making a schedule (I know it's hard to masturbate when you're not randy), but seeing if you can still feel pleasure and reach orgasm are very important. If you cannot, please post here, as these are symptoms of a whole different set of circumstances and possibilities.<P>After a few months of a new pill or other contraception method (assuming it's not something else medical as mentioned above), if your drive doesn't return, consider having your hormones tested. Greg has a standard post about what that should include, and I hope he'll post it here if you need it.<P>Also, you may want ot consider other factors in your life: stress, sleep, anxiety, change of diet or excersize regimine, water intake, allergy meds (even over-the-counter), alcohol or caffiene consumption. Basic lifestyle changes around the time your libido crashed. I know some of this sounds cheesy, but it really can make a difference. <P>Finally, but importantly, take time to talk with your partner and address the issue up front and honestly. Pressure is bad, though he may not even realize that there is any prssure, and can make this situation worse. Talk to him outside the bedroom, and let him know that you don't believe he is the problem. Letting him know you are working on it, and that it is important to you, will show him that you value your relationship. The books Greg recommends are excellent, and can help you pinpoint any relationship or life issues that may be causing or contributing to your lack of libido. If you can read them together, you may find the conclusion as a couple. This can be good for your partner, as it will allow him to feel like he's "doing" something. Men are, usually, "fixers," and appreciate feeling like they are working towards a solution.<P>I am sre other posters will ahve more suggestions, but I hope this is a start.

I disagree with your premise from the get go. Men and women who are in committed relationships often don't give themselves permission to have sexual feelings for others and suppress their sexual feelings for others (and rightly so). The fact that a person has no sexual urge for their partner or others while she is in a committed relationship doesn't at all mean the person doesn't have the physical capability to have sexual urges. Have you ever broken up with someone? It can take many months or sometimes years to recover emotionally and feel open to another person. In essence, you're suggesting that any girl who loses her sexual desire for a college boyfriend get a complete medical workup to see what's wrong with her. You are saying everything under the sun should be considered, rather than the most obvious. I'm not being facetious. This is how I read your recommendations. Correct me if I've misunderstood.

Owner, I don't disagree with you or with Dona, but I think that Dona was simply giving Hollybee what she was asking for...a possible list of physical causes. She states this in an earlier message "if anyone has any ideas on specifically what kind of medical problem this could be, please let me know!"<P>No one could possibly just give her a list of possibly medical causes without recommending a visit to the doctor. We're not doctors here (at least I'm not), and shouldn't be dispensing medical advice without recommending a visit to the doctor.<P>Tracie

Owner, again, please re-read my post. Nowhere do I say it isn't possible that commitment or other relationship issues could be the cause of her5 suddenly-lower libido. What I *do* say is that, because she seems to have lost all drive, it is worth looking into other things, as well. If she were *only* feeling loss of desire towards her partner, the cause would obviously be relationship issues. Since she isn't feeling *any* desire, it is worth checking other things out, as well. Could it be mental sexual repression? Yes. Do I mention that she should look into books concerning that? Yes. <P>I, of all people, know the power of the mind when it comes to sex drive & function. Most of the longer-term members here know the hell that is my story. I will be the first to say that the mind controls a large part of the sexual function of every person. That doesn't mean, however, that there aren't other factors, as well. Which is also demonstrated by my situation with my husband's sexual dysfunction (totally medical). His symptoms "presented" as "typical" premature-ejaculation psych symptoms in the eyes of many; but, there were a lot of other things going on, too. No one, however, wanted to listen or look into those. We are lucky we figured it out on our own, and insisted on the correct tests, etc. So, I am *very* careful about things like this, and believe that a dramatic change in sex drive not brought on by obvious emotional factors (bad relationship, abuse, depression, etc.) deserves looking at from a medical standpoint, too. These tend to be the quickest and least frustrating to rule out (testosterone deficiencies excepted), if you have a decent physician. I DO believe all relavant things should be looked at, rather than what someone outside the relationship considers the most obvious (which may or may not be the most obvious in other people's opinions,k including the person in the situation). If my husband and I hadn't looked at other options because the psych diagnosis simply didn't make sense or cover everything else that was going on (and we went to 8 licensed sex therapsists--some of them psychiatrists--which cleaned out our bank account), we'd be much worse off today. If my grandmother had decided that pain in her leg was just a charlie-horse that kept re-occuring because she was getting older, since that was the most "obvious" explanation, she'd be dead. If my friend had assumed her cat was just lazy, since it's "obvious" that cats are lazy, the cat's diabetes would never have been discovered and it would be dead.<P>Whenever sudden-onset behavioral changes occur with no readily-identifiable and certain cause, medical issues those behaviors or symptoms could represent should be checked out. That is simply common sense. That is what my post basically suggests.<P>I have no idea why you read my post as suggesting any college-girl who wasn't attracted to her boyfriend anymore go get a medical workup. That isn't at all what I said, but I am sorry if I was unclear. Let me make it as clear as I know how: When any women, regardless of age or relationship status, experiences a prolonged, sudden and dramatic general loss or lowering of libido and a cause is not readily identifiable, she should consider a medical checkup that includes a comprehensive testing for conditions that can have loss or lowering of libido as a side effect or symptom. Age, as long as the women is sexual mature, isn't the issue. <P>It is up to the poster to decide if she believes it is medical or psychological in nature. She is the one who knows how she feels about her beau and their relationship. As she asked, I simply gave suggestions on things it might be--and that *did* include relationship issues and how to begin addressing them.<P>On a side note, you state that people in a committed relationship should supress their sexual feelings about others. That is not a discussion I want to have on this thread, but I would like to point out that this board is for FSD issues, and not the propegating of personal or religious beliefs about appropriate types of relationships. While it may be your personal preference or belief that this is the correct behavior in a relationship, there are many types of relationships and these should be respected here. If they aren't, this will not be a safe and comfortable environment in which we can express thoughts and ask questions. Some of the posters on this board have alternative rlationship arrangements--some simply as a preference, some as a solution to permanent and incurable sexual issues, and some for other reasons. I respect your opinion on how relationships should be handled, but IMHO that is something best discussed on another board or via email with other interested parties. Also, "repressing" any emotion or feeling, since the discussion here includes psych talk, is very negative to the psychy (I am not going to post as study on this, simply call your local therapist for confirmation). Having the self-control (and respect for your partner if you are in a traditional relationship) to not act on those feelings is an entirely different thing. Perhaps, again, it was simply the misuse of a word that is causing the difference of opinion here.<P>[This message has been edited by dona (edited 11 July 2003).]<p>[This message has been edited by dona (edited 11 July 2003).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2"><BR>It is up to the poster to decide if she believes it is medical or psychological in nature. She is the one who knows how she feels about her beau and their relationship. As she asked, I simply gave suggestions on things it might be--and that *did* include relationship issues and how to begin addressing them. </font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And one would notice that the poster asked not once, but twice about "ideas on specifically what kind of medical problem this could be."<P>I suspect that the reason the poster is here is because there is no other logical explaination for her issues - at least as she's considered them. And it's obvious that she's considered the possibility that her loss of desire is a "committment" difficulty or "infatuation" etc and basically ruled these out. (Read her posts.)<P>I think believing posters when they say something is most prudent. This poster obviously wonders strongly about medical problems. Getting these medical issues checked seems prudent also.<P>Cheers,<BR>Greg

You're right, Tracie, she did ask for ideas on medical problems. My mistake.<P>Dona, I can empathize with the experience you had with your husband. I went through a similar experience... many trips to sexual dysfunction experts across the country to finally diagnose an organic erectile dysfunction problem.. misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis. However, I don't feel it's right to generalize our experiences as they were highly unusual and medicine is far from an exact science. Many people naturally want to apply their specific personal experience to other people's experiences without considering that theirs may not apply all that much. Yes, people are misdiagnosed in all areas of medicine every day. That doesn't mean we shouldn't be able to use generalities when discussing a subject such as this. There simply are certain things that are very common and should be considered first, not last. How did you feel going through loads of doctors and pschologists telling you something must be wrong with you? Didn't help your psyche much, did it. Extrapolate that to a young girl going through a normal experience, only to be told there must be something wrong with her. This could do a lot more damage than good in the long run. I agree when a medical cause seems likely, seek medical help. But for heaven's sake, let's use some reason here.<P>Regarding your last comments, it's not exactly a novel concept to say being in love helps prevent us from desiring others. Love may facilitate the preservation of long-term bonds in this way. Although we all have countless potential partners who would be good love matches for us, we typically suppress those feelings — sometimes unconsciously and sometimes with a great deal of conscious struggle. Loving more than one person at a time is easy, but it is difficult for most people to accept that they are not the sole love interest of their partners. To keep this from being a source of friction, we usually nix the love for others... or try to act as if that love never existed. More power to you if you have been able to love more than one person at a time, and vice versa, without major conflict arising. I feel quite comfortable generalizing by saying most people aren't able to do that.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by distressed_12345:<BR><B> And it's obvious that she's considered the possibility that her loss of desire is a "committment" difficulty or "infatuation" etc and basically ruled these out. (Read her posts.)<BR></B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>??? I don't know what posts you're referring to. From the ones I've read it's obvious she has not ruled those other causes out.<BR>

Goodness, we're far afield from what the poster started this thread for... I think, Owner, that you're particularly responsible for that drift.<P>Go back and read her *first* post. It's clear she very sceptical about simple relationship issues. She doesn't feel like sexual play in any form, with or without her partner or others. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2"><BR>I think it could be something medical, seeing how I was such a maniac until just now. He is older, 28, and says that from experience he thinks the relationship will do nothing but spiral downward because I don't want him like I used to; and that being so young, I'm just bored with him, since I've never committed and liked change. I don't think this is true, because I have no desire to be with anyone else or even dip into my vast array of toys on my own.<BR></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>As if this wasn't enough, when she was prompted by Tracie about the relationship, she again asks for medical causes. (If she hadn't discounted psychological/relationship issues, why would she pointedly brush aside these issues?)<P>I think more careful reading on your part would beneficial to those you respond to.<P>Greg<p>[This message has been edited by distressed_12345 (edited 11 July 2003).]

For some reason you cut off the quote.<P>"dip into my vast array of toys on my own.... Has anyone ever experienced this, heard of it, anything?! Can my body be literally 'sexed-out' or is it a psycological issue in that I truly deep down don't want him anymore? I hope this is not the case, but this problem really has both of us perplexed. I would appreciate any ideas! Thanks."<P>Greg, have you ever experienced anything like this before? I have, as have millions of other women, and men. I can literally feel her pain and confusion in my heart. Of course I can't be sure, but I feel I know what she's talking about. I've offered my perspective based on my experiences and those around me. Other than reading about it, what advice can you offer hollybee from your life experiences? I'd be very interested to hear your personal perspective, how you've felt and dealt with such situations (falling in love, the initial physical and emotional attraction, being in love, falling out of love, breaking up, starting new relationships, intimacy.....), rather than what you've read in a book.<P>The thread is right on track, discussing love, sexual desire, long term relationships. I would like to hear your personal perspective as it relates to hollybee's dilemma with her boyfriend.<p>[This message has been edited by Owner (edited 12 July 2003).]

Ugh. Again, half or more of what I said in my post was ignored. I am not even going to go into what was ignored, because repeating myself is a waste of time. <P>Owner, I didn't mention love in my post, and I am not sure how you extrapolated anything about love, my feelings towards it, or my personal relationship from what I said. I NEVER mentioned the ability to LOVE more than one person, or not to do so, or even the word "love" at all. That was, somehow, read into a post specifically about sexual repression. It is important to note that in many cultures love is not a preqequisite for a relationship, especially marriage. To assume a marriage or other form of relationships are based on your European-centric ideal with love (especially romantic love) as a basis for a social contract would simply be misinformed. So, the whole "love promotes long-term bonds" idea only works in very specific situations. (And, according to the US divorce rate, it doesn't accomplish that very well in many cases). <P>I was specifically talking about your comment regarding repressing sexual feelings towards others. The topic of repressing love for another party was not under discussion. The two are not the same thing for everyone in all cases. And, again, repressing is *different* from not acting on something. My point, which you clearly missed, was that discussing your particular view on correct behaviors in relationships as THE way to behave in a relationship is inapproriate on this board as it potentially decreases the comfort level of those coming to this board, esp. for those who may come here with issues that do involve an alternate-lifestyle relationship or a commited relationship from another culture whose customs very from your own. The only possible exception I can see to this is if someone directly asks opinions on different types of lifestyles, which may still be off-topic here, depending on context. If anyone else would like to contradict me here, please do so. Thus far, I've recieved several emails in support of this.<P>I suppose I am going to have to take the same road I took with Sharon and no longer reply to your posts since you keep taking things well out of context, ingoring what you don't feel like dealing with, and missing the point of my posts (which other posts seem to readily understand, but which you miss--intentionally or due to some strange communication guffaw I have no idea). I enjoy having spirited discussions with members of the board, and have agreed to disagree with them in the past; but, I don't like having to repeat, restate, and rehash the same posts over, and over, and over, and over....<P>*Owner was correct--I confused him with another poster re: the word inordinate. I've removed that part of the post.<BR>[This message has been edited by dona (edited 12 July 2003).]<p>[This message has been edited by dona (edited 12 July 2003).]