His and Her Health

...you are a woman, unlike everyone else you do not like sex or worry about where to get it next, but you are always worrying about sex and how to avoid it? <P>I'm 20, have no libedo, it's really effecting my relationship badly - although my boyfriend loves me I find it hard that i have to deny him sex, that I can't give him sex - I know he is ok with that, but obviously it would be much better if I could have sex with him. <P>I have no libedo, I don't enjoy sex...I feel like I'm no longer a woman, I am sexless and it makes me depressed.<P>I have been on so many message boards, forums, communities, all sorts, I get the same responses that are just no good. <P>Why is there no answer to this!??!!

Jadea<P>Perhaps you've just found a place with answers - or at least some good information to help you find the right answers for you.<P>I nearly always recommend two books, and often more. Here's my two. Ok, I lied, three. *grin*<P><UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>I'm Not in the Mood: What Every Woman Should Know about Improving Her Libido, by Judith Reichman - Score, 9/10 <LI>Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship by David Schnarch (One really doesn't need both of David Schnarch's books, but both are good and somewhat different. Resurrecting Sex discusses medical causes for sexual dysfunction, where Passionate Marriage only reviews the psychological, though it's an excellent book<LI>Getting the Sex You Want, a Woman's Guide to Becoming Proud, Passionate, and Pleased in Bed by Sandra Leiblum, Ph.D. and Judith Sachs. <BR></UL><P>There are numerous things that can effect your libido. If you would like a bit fuller set of ideas than presented in this post, see the website listed in my profile, under desire disorders.<P>We can best help you if you will read and answer the questions asked.<P>All of the following can have serious impact on desire.<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Prescribed drugs <LI>Psychological issues <LI>Relationship and trust issues <LI>Sexual abuse<LI>Hormonal imbalance <LI>Painful sex <LI>Lack of experience/ knowledge of her body <LI>Lack of sensation <LI>Poorly skilled partner / bad sex<BR></UL><P>A few questions that I’d like answers to.<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Are you on any medications?<LI>What are you doing for birth control? (The Pill perhaps?)<LI>Have you ever had a libido, or have things changed recently or at some time in the past that you can recall?<LI>How skilled have your partners been? Are they able to please you?<LI>Is sex painful or uncomfortable, physically?<LI>Do you ever masturbate, or pleasure yourself sexually?<BR></UL><P>I’d mention that at your age, many women are still young sexually. Given time, many women grow and learn to request and direct sexual play in a direction more fulfilling for them. Often young women do not know how to orgasm either. These and other issues might be having some impact on your situation. I’m not sure this is your problem, but it certainly something you should consider. Given your brief description of the problem, I’m skeptical this is the main source of it however.<P>This doesn't make it any easier, but there are quite a few women out there who are in the same boat you are. You're certainly not the only one.<P>What religious beliefs do you have? Could your distaste for sexuality have anything to do with your religious/spiritual beliefs?<P>What is your relationship with your boyfriend like? Trusting and open? Secure?<P>Have you mentioned any of these sexual issues with any of your doctors? Did they have any answers, or have they tried anything?<P>Have you seen a psychologist or sex therapist? If so, what did they do or say?<P>Depending on your answers, I’d perhaps suggest that you see an expert in FSD. First, however, I think dealing with these things will be helpful.<P>I really do think we can help you here. Have hope.<P>Best wishes,<BR>Greg<P><BR>------------------<BR>My profile has my email address and website. Click on the icon at the top of this post that looks like a head with a question mark.<P>Also note, I am *not* a doctor, and this is not intended as medical advice - Please talk to your doctor about your concerns.<p>[This message has been edited by distressed_12345 (edited 17 July 2003).]

Thank you for taking the time to respond.<P>Answers to those questions – <BR>Are you on any medications? <BR> - No, I’m on birth control pills and I sometimes have to take painkillers and anti-nausea tablets as part of an unrelated health problem – they don’t get taken enough to cause any disruption to my body.<P>What are you doing for birth control? <BR> - The pill, ‘Cilest’ to be specific – recently switched over from another type of pill – low libido was present prior to taking the pill <P>Have you ever had a libido, or have things changed recently or at some time in the past that you can recall?<BR> - I’ve not been interested in sex since the first time I had it, the thought of ‘is this it?’ popped into my head so throughout my time being sexually active (three partners) it’s been the same – sex is boring. <BR>At the moment I am attracted to people but I don’t have fantasies like I used to and I don’t masturbate anywhere near as much as I did before I became sexually active. <BR>It has been getting worse over time but that I attribute to being in a long term relationship – at the start of the relationship, like with anyone else there is an attraction etc. which helps fuel things a little bit, but as with any long term relationship it calms down after a while. <BR>I go through this low libido all the time, when I have a new relationship things go up a little bit, improve, but after a short time that wears off and I go back to being bored of it, not interested and even try to avoid it at all costs. <BR>How skilled have your partners been? Are they able to please you?<BR> - My current partner is good, he has done well to please me – but only when I have been in the mood to try to get ‘in the mood’. He does when men are supposed to do, what most women like – kissing, taking his time to do what I want to do etc. <BR>Past partners weren’t all that good, the first one was adventurous, the second was big, this partner is very good – but none of that is any good if I can’t get in the mood. I also have trouble doing anything back to him, as well as being a little too scared to try and do anything back to him in cases I do something I shouldn’t or embarrassing I just can’t do anything back to him if I am not in the mood for it. <BR>Is sex painful or uncomfortable, physically?<BR> - It used to be very painful, with my last two partners I got a lot of pain inside my stomach – like period pains, pains around the opening because there was not enough lubrication, with my first partner I also suffered a lot from stititis. <BR>With my current partner I don’t get any of the above, however it does feel uncomfortable a lot, I always feel like I need to pee and have to hold myself or else I get scared I’ll pee during sex. <BR>Do you ever masturbate, or pleasure yourself sexually?<BR> - Yes, sometimes, not nearly as much as I used to before first having sex. I’d guess that in the past I would masturbate at least 3 times a day, now maybe once a week. <BR> <BR>Well, my mum always taught me that women don’t really become more sexual, enjoy sex more till they are older. However, I don’t think that is the problem that would just mean I find sex dull, where as I find sex dull and I have no fantasies etc. of my own – my own sexual identity has gone. <BR>I’ve only met one other woman like me – she had spinal damage so she couldn’t feel anything because of that, not because of whatever reason is effecting me – so that was more than a little discouraging. <P>Religious beliefs if anything support sex – I’m Pagan. <BR>My relationship with my boyfriend is a close one, we were friends before going out together and we are open and honest with each other – there is a little mistrust because of a past relationship, but the relationship is great. <P>I can’t see a sex therapist, the waiting list is too long and they don’t really take it that seriously at my age. <BR>

You do sound a little different than most of the women who come here; it sounds more like it's the type of sex that's the problem for you, and not anything physical. I'm not talking type as in basic techniques, it sounds like your last partner especially knows how to please a woman, but in the bigger picture. Did your fantasies before you had sex involve anything unusual, something you aren't getting from your current sexual relationships? Maybe someone from your same faith background, or being dominated (or dominating), or maybe even other women? I hope I don't offend. It just sounds like there's something missing, and I don't think it's a hormone.

I don't really have any likes when it comes to sex...the closest to a fetish is fake rape or sugestions of anal - I don't like the real thing. I get that here. <BR>I do consider myself bi, but never had a women - so that is one thing.

Jadea, your mum is a wise woman. -) ) <p>[This message has been edited by Owner (edited 17 July 2003).]

Bisexuality was the first thing that occurred to me, but I didn't want to ruffle you. This is completely out of my league, and I'm certainly not saying you should quit your relationship, but you might want to go to some bisexual women's messageboards and see if there are other women who have had similar experiences with their heterosexual relationships.<p>[This message has been edited by zaneblue (edited 17 July 2003).]