His and Her Health

Ok, I've decided to just try and go through my history completly and let all of you respond again with comments and suggestions. There is some new info, and I just don't know if it plays in or not...<P>Here is my history in a nutshell! Any tips or suggestions or ANYTHING are greatly appreciated.<P>I'm 27 years old (turn 28 in October) and have been married for almost a year and a half to a wonderful hubby! I have one pet, a mini Doxie named Buddy, who's almost 5 months old. He's adorable!<P>I've suffered from low libido or simply disinterest in sex for a looooooonnnnggggg time. I had a normal childhood. My parents divorced when I was two, and my dad had custody of my brother and me. I have no other siblings. I had a few close calls with sexual abuse (or probably just innappropriate touching by guys a few years older than me - there was NEVER any inappropriate touching, just close calls) when I was about 8-12 years old. No history of physical or emotional abuse, though.<P>The interest is always there in the beginning of a new relationship, but I have so much trouble holding on to that interest. Things always come up, I'm busy...blah, blah, blah...<P>I have a great hubby who understand what I'm going through and isn't pressuring me at all. I just want to have that initial excitement again!!!!<P>Other stuff to consider:<BR>* My hubby got laid off in December 2002, and hasn't found steady word since. He's looking and he cleans up the house a lot, so I'm not feeling resentful. Well, I am a little bit because he can stay up late, sleep in, play with the dog all day...but I know that he's looking seriously and so I don't know if this plays in or not.<P>* My hubby does need to take a class in how to please a woman. He's pretty good, but he's quite a bit more inexperienced than I am. For some reason, I just can't tell him or show him the right ways to please me. We've tried before, but I get frustrated and bored before he gets it, so I usually just take over and please him.<P>* I'm not sure what to do with the puppy during our intimate moments. He does have a lot of separation anxiety, and always wants to be with us. Trying to schedule sex around his short puppy naps just isn't very practical. Putting him in his crate isn't either, because he yips and cries REALLY loud and that just ruins the moment.<P>* I went off the pill (Ortho-TriCyclen) about 2 months ago. I switched to the nuvaring and I do like it a lot better. Could the hormones still be screwed up?<P>* I'm on Effexor XR (150MG/day) for severe clinical depression and anxiety. I know that anti-depressants are a huge libido killer, but what are the ways around this? My anti-depressant works for me, so switching is just not a good idea.<P>* I take a lot of vitamins and supplements, and most are geared towards increasing libido naturally, and it helps a little bit.<P>* I do have a problem with lubrication, but that might be a leftover effect from the pill. I would like to try a lubricant, but I can't figure out which one is best.<P>* I don't have a problem going "solo". Getting in the mood to go solo is tough, but once I'm there, I don't have a problem finishing off.<P>* Erotica/movies do excite me enough to get me in the mood, but that just seems like such a temporary solution.<P>So, I don't think I left anything off!!!!<P>Any ideas???<P>Tracie

I must say the more you tell, the less it sounds like a physical issue. But I do see one obvious thing that would help--start buying good instructional videos! You watch and get aroused, he watches and learns things, you don't get bored explaining to him what to do--it's a win-win situation.<P>Oh, and about the puppy--I'm confused here. It's not like he's a kid; so what if he sees you having sex? As long as he's not on the bed, what's wrong with having him in the room?<P>A lubricant I like is ViAmor. I like it better than KY or Liquid Silk, has more staying power.<P><p>[This message has been edited by zaneblue (edited 05 August 2003).]

Yeah! I mean, dogs are always having sex in public, aren't they?<P>Or else, just lock him in the bathroom. Or have Iam babysit him: she's mad for a dog.<P><BR>

Thanks for the history--it's very helpful. I certainly don't have answers to all your questions, but do have ideas about a few:<P>* I always hated teaching people, too. Drove me nuts. It came so naturally for me that I just coudln't understand why others had such a hard time with it. Then, I began dating this REALLY hot virgin man. We dated for almost 3 years, and in that time I had to teach him. Ugh. Fortunately, he was an adept learner. So, I understand your pain here. Have you suggested he read some instructional guides or watch some videos on his own time, and bring the knowledge to bed with him so that your teaching time is cut down a bit? <P>*Re: Effexor. There is an article on this site: <A HREF="www.newshe.com/articles/SSRIsLBand.shtml" TARGET=_blank>www.newshe.com/articles/SSRIsLBand.shtml</A> <BR>This suggests ways to help manage the sexual side effects of SSRIs. Have you had a chance to read it yet?<P>* Make sure your vitamin regimine is well-controled and researched. Some vitamins and minerals cancel each other out (a good example is calcium and phosphorus--you need a high ratio of calcium to counteract the chemical binding caused by phospphorous), and so you may need to take more or less. Tweaking your regimine may (or may not, depending on how well it's been planned out) help you to take full advantage of any libido enhancing properties.<P>* My favorite lubes: 1) Eros. It's a silicon-based lube that doesn't dry out or get sticky. It's thin and slick as an ice-rink! It is a bit on the pricey side, unf. 2) Astroglide, unflavored. This is a bit thicker, but I've always found it much preferable to ky, etc. It lasts quite a long time, and doesn't have as much tendancy to get tacky, either.<P>*Puppy. Let him watch, but keep him off the bed. Start kicking him off the bed now, or you're going to have issues when he's older. Let him stay on the floor and in the room. This could be a pain, but it'll be worth it. Training him now will save a lifetime of hassle as he gets older.

Thanks to everyone for the comments!<P>Sorry about the puppy, we just didn't know what to do with him. We'll start training him to stay on the floor sometimes.<P>Thanks for the link to the article about Effexor! I'm definitely going to print it out and read it really closely!<P>The more I tell the less it sounds like a physical issue??? Well, that's a start!!!!!!!!! At least now I know where to focus my attention.<P>Two more things I thought of last night:<BR>* I also have HPV and so does my hubby. I got mine about 12 years ago, and it doesn't rear it's ugly head very often. My hubby got his from a cheatin' ex girlfriend. I don't know if HPV has other effects...<P>* I also haven't had the NuvaRing in this month. A stupid insurance company screw up and so I haven't been using anything. Of course, hubby and I don't have sex, so I guess that's not a problem right now.<P>But, last night, I watched "The Fifth Wheel" anyone who watches those stupid dating shows will know which one that is. Well, there was a LOT of sexual innuendo and quite a bit of touching and blacking out of parts of the screen. I got pretty turned on. It was 2am and I have to wake up at 7, so there was no good stuff that came out of that, but at least I know that it's still possible!!!!<P>Instructional videos??? Any recommendations? I see the advertisements in the back of magazines, but I've never thought they were worth anything at all!<P>Thanks so much everyone!!!!!! I'm going to read everything through again to make sure I didn't miss anything!<P>Tracie<P>* MODERATOR NOTE<BR>There is an article on this site about videos at <A HREF="www.newshe.com/factsheets/erotic_videos_for_women.shtml" TARGET=_blank>www.newshe.com/factsheets/erotic_videos_...l</A><p>[Note: This message has been edited by NEWSHE Moderator]

Wow! You've got a lot going on there!<P>I'm brand new to this site and just posted a question myself (with another on the way), but I thought I'd suggest a few things and you can do with it what you want.<P>Focusing simply on the lack of desire, I can tell you that my previous experience with anti-depressants left me unable to experience orgasms. I seem to recall that this went away after some time, but it's definitely a side effect.<P>Also, having just had two kids in the last four years, I, too, lost my drive. (I was previously VERY active). After several months of avoiding sex altogether my husband wrote me a letter indicating his unwillingness to live in a sexless relationship. It opened my eyes to how important it was for us to get back in the groove, so I made a huge effort. (I was always able to have orgasms, I just couldn't get myself in the mood to get there). He, incidently, is a GREAT lover, so that wasn't the problem. However, I did finally find it a turn on to watch x-rated movies with him. You might find that if you watch them together, you can manipulate each other at the same time and maybe teach him a few things, too, since you seem to indicate that he needs some training. <P>Finally, I don't think that HPV has any side effects. I also thought that while it may live in your system, it should be possible to have all the bumps removed permanently. Have you talked to your doctor about surgery?<P>Oh, yeah, and not that I have a problem with lubrication (!), but when I needed some after not having had sex after my last child was born, Astroglide was GREAT!<P>Hope that helps some!

rubenesque, If your desire just didn't return after children and you are fairly sure it's not the "mommy" syndrome (which is where you don't see yourself as a sexual being, but as a mommy), have you considered having your prolactin levels tested? This hormone--which is elevated during pregnancy--can absolutely kill sex drive, and sometimes doesn't return to normal after childbirth.<P>I am assuming you have already looked at things like making time for sex, stress, and all the other stuff that comes with being a parent. If not, of course, those are all things to look at.

I think my husband and I both thought it was normal for my drive to disappear after childbirth, especially since I breastfed for the first few months, and we accepted it. But, then, it became an issue. As I mentioned, once I finally did start to get into the sexual act, I could definitely orgasm. It's just that I never had any interest in the initiation. So, I don't think it was a hormone issue after the breastfeeding stopped. It was probably related to the "mommy syndrome", so I really made the effort to make time for us and my husband tried hard to get me into the mood. Things are great now, particularly since he doesn't push me or make me feel guilty if I'm not in the mood after a rough day.<P>To t_mccray, don't think that x-rated movies are just a temporary solution. If that's what works and your husband is into it as well, that's great! My husband would LOVE if I watched those movies with him all the time, but I get a bit jealous actually (which is silly, I know).

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by pinky:<BR><B>Yeah! I mean, dogs are always having sex in public, aren't they?<P>Or else, just lock him in the bathroom. Or have Iam babysit him: she's mad for a dog.<P><BR> </B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Brilliant! <P>

Puppies!<P>Ok, as a dog groomer I have to comment on the dog aspect of your relationship. It is vital that you teach Buddy to be in his crate. As long as he is just whining and not hurting himself while he is in the crate he is ok. Like a child, he will realize that throwing a tantrum isn't going to help. If you don't take charge as Mom and Dad you are going to have a major brat on your hands. He will get used to the crate and eventually find it to be a safe retreat. My dog loves her crate. When she is scared of thunder that is the first place she goes. You might want to contact your local petstore for training advice or sign up for some puppy classes with him. <BR>And no, my dogs aren't perfect (don't travel well, don't like other dogs) and I take full responsiblity for it.<P>Kitten

As a fellow doxie owner, I can give you a tip on that. Either train him to sleep in his crate at night and to go in when you tell him to or give him his own "special" spot. Mine trained to a crate by telling him to get in his bed every night and giving him a treat then closing the door for 2 weeks. After 2 weeks, I started leaving the door open and he stayed in. Warning: He will whine and cry the first several nights, but it will work. Train him to his "special" spot by telling him to get up there and giving him a treat. Doxies do best with lots of reward and praise when they do good.