His and Her Health

I am hoping that someone can help. I am a 29 year old woman who has been married for 3 years and I love my husband very much. The problem is I have absolutely no sex drive. My history: I was sexually abused by brother and next door neighbor all before I was 12. I was sexually active very young. When my husband and I met we had sex often for about 2 months. I ended up pregnant and we were not ready so I had an abortion. (This was in 1998). I am not sure how soon after this event that my drive went down so I don't know if it is related. I do know that it was very difficult for the both of us. I then went on the Depo shot for about 6 months and experienced moderate bleeding the entire 6 months. I then went on the pill but then we were having sex so infrequently that we figured it was a waste. We now use condoms every time. I then, over the past 4-5 years, gained about 40-50 pounds. He also gained about 30 pounds when we got married so it is a little uncomfortable when he is on top, which is the position I am most comfortable with. I experience pain upon entry and have a lot of trouble getting aroused. I have little to no feeling in the vaginal area and also my breasts. We now have sex every month to two months and that is hard for me. I experience fear, physical pain and fear of being so close (physically to another human being). My husband and I are extremely close with everything else. He is very understanding and knew this would be a problem for years to come, but now it is more of a reality and is getting harder for he and I to deal with. It is bleeding into other areas of our marriage and making both of us very unhappy. We love each other very much and are dedicated to making this marriage work so we are willing to do ANYTHING. Can someone please help?<p>[This message has been edited by Darc (edited 27 August 2003).]

Wow, that's a lot of things going on. Have you had counseling? There may be physical issues involved too, but it sounds like the psychological ones may be having more of an influence.

Thank you for responding zaneblue. I have gone through much counciling in the past (before I met my husband) but it really never seemed very helpful. (I don't know if that is due to the councilor or the councilee!) My husband and I have recently discussed marriage counciling which we are both very willing to do, however, I am afraid that I have something physical going on that I have overlooked. If it were not for this HUGE sex issue, my husband and I are a great match. I do not want marriage counciling to miss the point, in terms of, this has been an issue all my life (lack of desire and feeling). I recognize that I do have issues such as guilt and other typical issues of abuse survivors, but I feel that it actually might be physical. The fact that I have don't remember having much feeling in my breasts and I have a loss of feeling in my genital area. Again, thank you so much for responding, any comments do help, and I am so glad I found this sight because I actually feel as though I am not the only one out there. (My family and friends would have me believe that is the case!!)

Okay, I'll talk about the physical side of things, because that's what I know and that's what you're asking for, but I think they are connected. For example, if you are experiencing fear at the thought of physical contact, that can cause your vaginal muscles to clench up making entry difficult and painful.<P>Breast sensitivity varies widely among women, and if you have always had little sensitivity there, I don't think that's an issue. However, loss of genital sensation is. Has there been loss of sensation specifically in your clitoris? Are you able to orgasm--I assume not during sex, but are you able to orgasm on your own? Do you have sexual thoughts?<P>On the psychological side, I'm no expert but I found the book Resurrecting Sex to be very helpful.<P>You say that lack of desire and feelings have been issues all your life. Did you feel this way during the first two months with your husband? I know these are pointed questions; I'm just trying to track down what sort of things to examine.<P>Have you ever had your hormone levels checked?

Hi, thank you again for responding to my post. Well, to answer you, there is a definite loss of sensativity in my clitoris. It is getting worse and worse. At this point I have very little sensation. I am able to orgasm with my husband and we do have very good sex when I am into it (VERY seldom-maybe once every 3 months or so). I know that I could have orgasms w/him more often if I were aroused, but usually I don't want to have sex so I just try to go through the motions so that he is not so frustrated. However, it takes a lot to get me going and, in fact, the first initial feeling, after the first feelings of arousal, is nausea.<BR>I do not really have sexual feelings or fantasies...when I am awake. The one thing worth noting, though, is that I dream at night about sex ALL THE TIME. I have very vivid dreams which end up in orgasm, and, I am inclined to believe, I actually have an orgasm. It sometimes wakes me up. I dream about my husband, other men I know, faceless people, women, you name it. I wish I could feel that way when I'm awake!!<BR>I rarely masterbate and when I do it is usually used for a tension release or to help me sleep, not as something sexy. I am able to orgasm that way but it is getting harder and harder to get there. I do notice that immediately after I have an orgasm from masterbation my clitoris is hyper sensitive and if I wait for a minute, I can have a second and third one VERY easily, almost just thinking about it.<BR>I have recently read in other posts the suggestion to get the books "Resurrecting sex:..." and "Passionate Marriage:..." so I am looking into that.<BR>The first two months of my relationship my husband and I had sex multiple times a day and many of these I innitiated. It got to the point where, he says, he almost couldn't keep up with my libido!<BR>I have never had my hormones checked.<BR>We did an experiment tonight to see where the pain is. It is located just upon entry and it is on the walls of the vagina and it feels like undue pressure and irritation, like a raw feeling.<BR>I understand your point about therapy and I am not opposed to it, I'm sorry for giving you the wrong idea. As I said before, we are open to ANY suggestion. We are also at the point where we have to stop talking about it and start doing something about it.<BR>Thank you for your time, sorry about writing such a book!!

I must say, it sounds less and less like a physical problem, except in a secondary sense. I think you have been having sex when you are not really ready for it, not lubricated enough and clenching against it, and that just makes you want to have sex even less in the future. Do you use lubricant?<P>Loss of clitoral sensitivity is also an issue, but I think a minor one compared to the arousal issue. And I don't think that's physical, say from low free T levels, with the dreams you have been having. The one physical thing I might recommend is trying damiana, but that's just a stopgap measure. But this is where my knowledge ends--there are many on these boards who have gone through therapy and counseling--the good, the bad and the ugly. Hopefully they will be able to advise you better. I do still recommend Resurrecting Sex; it has some sections pertaining to your situation.

Thank you for all your help zaneblue. I will check out the book and also I will keep reading these message boards. I already have a bit of confidence about this just from knowing so many other people have these problems!!<BR>In answer to your question, yes I use lubricant but I still feel pain. My gynocologist did recommend this for the pain. <BR>Well, I feel much more comfortable talking about this issue and will go to my doctor armed with questions. I guess I never really thought it was an issue I should take up my doctors valuable time with! Thank you!<BR>Also if there is anyone out there that has advise on the psych side of this, please let me know. Thanks.