His and Her Health

I am new here. I have a board myself and after starting an intimate esperiences forum, one of my members suggested this website to me. Here is my problem...<P>I am a 28 yr old stay at home mom of 4. They are 1, 3, 7 & 9 all girls except the oldest. I am also a chronic pain patient due to an MVA in 96 requiring some pretty strong pain meds including, but not limited to, fentanyl. I am married to my second husband, he is 44. My first husband and I had our own issues and I think that I am pretty good about keeping those issues out of my marriage, my first husband and I were too young and too immature. My husband is 44 and on his 4th marriage. While I believe I know my husband well enough to keep old issues out of this one, one of our problems is that I have never had an orgasm. I have been sexually active since I was 15 and although I do enjoy sex, I just cannot orgasm. It upsets my husband because he very much wants me to have an orgasm. He has never been with a woman before that has not been able to. He tries very hard to please me but I have a terrible problem with making him stop whenever I feel I am beginning to "lose control". In my earlier years I could please myself, also never leading to orgasm, just relief and I tend to get more pleasure out of sex when I know that he is pleased. He has even threatened to tie me up so that I could not tell him no but I think that I would be very upset by him not stopping becuase I know I would still try to get him to. <P>I noticed that many of the posts suggest that women have bloodwork checked first to make sure that there is not a physical problem but do you think that would apply to me as well??? I also am not very intereted in sex very much. We can go a couple of weeks, although I try not to let it go that long becuase of his libido, even his doc said that he has the drive of an 18-20 yr old. So he would be happy having sex every day even at his age.<P>What do you think???<P>Thanks,<P>Angie

I think it is understandable that he would like to give you an orgasm. I assume you would like to be able to have orgasms, since you are posting on this board.<P>You may have hormonal issues, but in my opinion before you run the gamut of getting tested, etc., you might want to buy a good vibrator first, maybe a Hitachi Magic Wand or an Eroscillator. Try it for a few weeks by yourself, just to see. A good book with a chapter on learning to have an orgasm is Sexual Pleasure by Barbara Keesling.<P>I completely understand the "control" issue over orgasms, which is why it is better to start off practicing by yourself. Another issue that may be involved is that you might be naturally gifted to easily be able to ejaculate. It's rare among women but it does occur, and it makes a woman feel like she is about to urinate. Some women who feel this shy away from having orgasms, although the result is not urination.

Thank you for your response. I am not too sure about the vibrator though. While I have been known to please myelf before, it has been literally years. And for me to use a vibrator, well, with all the kids and something I didn't mention before is my husband is, as of Friday, unemployed, so he is home a lot. He was a mobilzed reservist and because his employer sold out, he has no job to go back to. This is another reason I am pursueing this now, not only for me but him as well. I know that we should make the most of our time together right now and this would make him very happy. <P>I will get the book and seriously consider the vibrator. Honestly, I think he would get further with that than I would. I think I would stop myself before I made him stop. But I will consider it.<P>Thanks again...

Hi Luckymom,<P>I think if you are worried about losing control, it is at least partly a psychological issue. <P>I agree with Zane that trying a vibrator on your own would be a good start. You mentioned that you have a full house - if you explained to your husband what you were doing, maybe he would take the younger kids out for an hour every day while the older kids are at school, to give you some time on your own?<P>As Zane said, it is understandable that your husband wants to give you an orgasm - but I think he needs to respect the pace you wish to go at. <P>I am not sure how seriously he means it when he threatens to tie you up so you could not say no, but it certainly would bother me if my partner said that seriously to me.<P>If you are having difficulty getting him to stop when you ask him, I think you have some issues to sort out with him regarding your right to say no to any particular activity you are not comfortable with. I'm not saying this to cause friction between you, but because I think your rights in this situation need to be respected.<P>Best wishes.

I'd just like to mention the Eroscillator, although pricey, is almost completely silent. I have a couple small kids myself and know how it is with noise.

Mavis... You are completely right as far as him having to respect my rights... And I do think he does. However, I think that when he says this (that he would tie me up) he is just trying to figure out a way that he can make me oragasm without me having a chance to say no. I do not think that he means this maliciously and if he did, I would have a huge problem with it. As a teen, I did have a lot of trouble with other teen males trying to take advantage of me. I do not know how I would be able to get past that if it were a real problem. <P>Anyway, I cannot begin to tell you all how much I apreciate your feedback. It means a lot to me. Thank you again and I will continue to appreciate any feedback given. I love to hear about books I can read or other sources of refference I can use. My husband and I both love sex and anything we can use to help us in this stage in our lives means a lot to us. Although I tend to think of myself as someone who really is not interested in sex... I do know otherwise. I do enjoy it, however I tend to enjoy it more when I am the one that initaites it. How can I increase my libido without being the one that has to introduce foreplay all the time???<P>Any ideas???<P>Thanks again...<P>Angie <P>Thanks,<P>Angie<p>[This message has been edited by 1luckymom (edited 03 September 2003).]