His and Her Health

I don't know which...I am hoping that maybe someone here can offer some opinions. I found this website while reading some posts from another board that I frequent and thought this would be the perfect place to ask.<P>About six months ago I stopped being able to achieve orgasm with my bf, no matter what he did I just couldn't get there, nothing had changed physically and I was still getting wet i just couldnt make it to climax....being a girl who loves an orgasm i started mastubating by myself or with him watching and would have orgasms...about three months ago that stopped too. Then I was at a party and we were (i don't know why) playing truth or dare and yadda yadda yadda i ended up kissing a girl. well one thing led to another and she and i ended up in one of the bedroom together and boy oh boy did my orgasmic ability return.....<BR>The reason I am concerned about this is that i have not really fantasised about women before (i have had experiences with women but they aren't, i guess, my sexual ideal) the next day my bf and i started getting physical and we were having sex for a long time and i was kind of getting to the point where i was like come on already and he was like "i guess it is just me"<BR>I can't even express what having him feel that way did to me, I am still totally in love with him and totally attracted to him..so what i want to know is what the heck is going on with me? <BR>Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated <p>[This message has been edited by AimeeLoo (edited 04 September 2003).]

It sounds like it's largely an emotional or mental block, really. If you can orgasm with another women easily, it's not likely physical in nature. It's likely you orgasmed during your experience with another woman because it was new and exciting, while you've been with your beau for some time. Have you had long-term relationships before? If so, has this problem ever arisen?<P><BR>It is understandable that he would take it personally if you can orgasm with someone besides him, regardless of the reason. My suggestion is you talk frankly with him about it, outside the bedroom, and let him know it's not him (assuming it's not, of course, that he's become less interested in pleasing you any more, etc.), and that perhaps it's time to spice up your sex life again.<P>It might just be that sex is no longer as intriguing with the same partner. Boredom in the bedroom is disaster. Have you two tried things like role-playing, toys, and fantasy sharing to add a new dimension?<p>[This message has been edited by dona1 (edited 04 September 2003).]

Wow Dona thank you for taking the time to reply to my question.<P>I have been involved in long term relationship before, in fact all i have ever had were long term relationships the shortest being four years....and this has never been an issue before. <P>Last night we did sit down and talk about this problem, and came up with somethings that could be contributing to the problem:<BR>1. i have been feeling a lot of stress at my job<BR>2. i am getting over the flu or something, and have been really tired lately<BR>but my concern is that this has been going on for so long. I don't know what to make of it, i mean if i was finding myself attracted to other men i would probably jump to the conclusion that i was growing bored of M. I just don't know what is going on and he suggested to me that maybe i should go to the doctor and see if there is something physical going on, i wish that it was something physical, but i have a sense that it will not be. <BR>I am seriously wracking myself trying to figure out what is going on here. <BR>Again thank you for your response.<BR>Aimee<P><BR>

Can I throw a few thoughts out there...<P>In general, I agree with Dona, but perhaps this can add a few facets to the issue.<P>Basically, Schnarch says in his book that to get to orgasm, you have to create stimulus that is higher than your orgasm stimulus threashold. If anexiety or stress, physical issues etc, are preventing you from crossing that threshold, you won't orgasm.<P>So, perhaps, though I think it's unlikely, you have some physical issues. These, paired with a lessening of the raw excitement of the current relationship are making it more and more difficult to get above your threshold.<P>The new sexual exploration is VERY exciting and very easily overcame the threshold.<P>Perhaps you don't have "problems" in your orientation between men and women, or even with your attraction to your current partner, it's just that the "old" won't predictably get you over the top.<P>Now, what the fix is, is something only you can discover.<P>Personally, I'd check out the physical carefully and do what you can to eliminate that as a high probability.<P>In any case, I'd suggest that you read Schnarch's books. They are: "Resurrecting Sex" and "Passionate Marriage" I'd try them in that order too. You might also consider the Berman book, and finally, "Getting the Sex You Want, a Woman's Guide to Becoming Proud, Passionate, and Pleased in Bed by Sandra Leiblum, Ph.D. and Judith Sachs."<P>To Recap: I guess my point in all this is that perhaps you DO have a physical issue, but that it doesn't seem obvious to us or you. For that reason, I'd be careful about completely dismissing physical causes unless you are very certain. Getting a complete physcial work-up isn't prohibitively expensive, in my opinion, and if it turns out to yield results, might save you some very real and serious frustration and perhaps serious mental anguish.<P>I wish you well in your search....<P>Greg<P>------------------<BR>[Also note, I am *not* a doctor, and this is not intended as medical advice - Please talk to your doctor about your concerns.<P>[A bit later]<BR>I just went back and re-read your first post again. I'm a bit more on the side of physical issues. The reason? because you can't orgasm with self stimulation. Perhaps I'm putting too much emphasis on this, but I'd certainly examine this.<P>Questions: <P>Has intensity of orgasm decreased over time, till now it's basically gone, except in this last encounter?<P>How about sensation - has it lessened as well. (I suspect it has, though you may not have noticed it.)<P>What medications are you on? (Birth-control etc.)<P>Age?<P>How long (weeks, months, days?) for this problem to go from start of symptoms to now?<P>I'm sure there are more, but that's all I've got for now.<P>[This message has been edited by distressed_12345 (edited 08 September 2003).]<BR><p>[Note: This message has been edited by NEWSHE Moderator]

HI Greg thanks for your input. I went to the doctor and she did a full examination and said that she thought i looked physically fine, i told her what my issue was and she asked me a lot of questions too.<P>to answer your questions greg:<P>1. it isnt intensity that has dropped it is orgasm all together. they went from totally there to totally gone...<BR>2.i have plenty of sensation, i mean i don't feel that it has lessened or gone away....<BR>3. I am on an anti-depressant and i am on depo prevera but i have been on both for years. A-d for ten years and D-P for two years....would it take that long for me to have a reaction?<BR>4. 28<BR>5. 6 months<BR> I don't know, i think you all maybe right, i think it is just that i may be missing that "new" feeling....gosh i hope i am not that shallow <P>

I have a few more questions now, too. First, what exactly do you mean when you say your doctor did a "full checkup," and "everything looked fine?" I assume you meant she did a basic, annua-type exam? If that is what she did, the standard physical exam is about checking your reproductive health, as opposed to your sexual health. There is a very big difference, and a normal exam often won't show anything "wrong," because it isn't looking for the correct things. I will occasionaly catch some things, but they are most often the types of things where sexual side effects are secondary problems to the main issue (endometriosis, fibroids, ovarian cysts, etc.) Did she take any bloodwork?<P>It could easily be one of the meds that is your culprit here (I hadn't realized you were on these, and I should have asked). If this has been going on for over 6 months, then you'd only been on the Depo for about a year-and-a-half. Side effects from meds can show up at any time in most cases, especially from hormonal medications, because your body changes over time. Depo has an amazingly high rate of sexual side effects, and I'd consider at least switching birth control methods before anything else (assuming you can, if you're not on depo for medical reasons). The new patch has the lowest, according to both my gyn and the pharmacist, rate of sexual side effects. In layman's terms, it doesn't bind your sex hormones in the way that oral and injectables do. Some docs will perscribe a 2% testosterone cream to potentially counteract the effects of various birth control methods, but most will not.<P>Your antidepressants could also be causing the problem, though I would look to them second to birth control if you haven't changed the ad's recently. If you're not already on Wellbutrin, you might consider asking your doctor if it is right for you. It has a smaller incidence of sexual side effects than other antidepressants, esp. SSRI's.<P>Also, you note a lot of stress at work. An important thing to do is learn to leave work at work. You may have orgasmed with this woman due to a combination of things like lowered inhabitions, relaxed effect from alcohol counteracting stress, and a new experience. I keep my work out of my home life, and my husband's work out of our homelife, but setting a ritual for each of us that deliniates the workday from the homelife. I cook dinner every night (which I enjoy doing--cooking is relaxing for me). We get until we sit at the table to discuss any work stuff we need to get off our chest. Once we've sat down to eat, however, the topic is taboo for the rest of the evening. So, the dinner is our deliniation, and has worked absolute wonders for us both. It can be anything--10 minutes of yoga, a favorite beverage for the ride home, a favorite sitcom, a walk, a particular song...whatever fits you. The important thing is to use it as a deliniation between work and not-work, and do so religiously. It's behavioral therapy, really. You'll train your brain to a "trigger" that signals relaxation time. You can also use a rubber band on your wrist, which you snap every time you think of work after your ritual or start to stress over it when you aren't there. I know this sounds hokey, but it's very much in the vein of Pavlov...behavioral therapy has an excellent track record for many things when used consistently and appropriately. Also, cut down on any caffiene, alcohol, or other mood-enhancing substances in the evening. This will help your body to release stress, as well as getting you a better night's sleep, which is also a good fortress against overstressing.<P>As Greg said, you may have orgasmed with the woman because it was new, making your sexual repsonse high enough to overcome any medical issues. This does mean, however, that you haven't lost the ability to orgasm totally (which is more what I meant by physical, I guess, though I should have put it another way)--just the modality for doing so. You may have something blocking that ability (hormones, etc.), but at least you know that it's still there somewhere.<P>It isn't shallow to miss that "new" feeling, actually. It's common for people, regardless of how much they love and are attracted to their current partner, to feel that way. The key is keeping your current love life interesting enough to overcome that. If you do have a physical problem, this isn't going to help unless you get it resolved. If you don't, this may be the key.<P>So, to summarize: consider switching birth control methods. Consider your andtidepressant options. Coerce your gyn into doing a blood work up (for details, see Greg's profile for the site he runs--there's a page on it there, and you need to be *very* specific in what you ask for to get worthwhile results). Learn to leave work at work. Spen time on your sex life--renew the interest with reading materials for the both of you (Greg provided several), fantasy or role-play, new toys/gels/etc., new positions, new places, and new ways (consider tantra, for example).<P>Hope this helps.

This may or may not apply...but low testosterone can cause loss of orgasm, loss of intensity, or the time/stimulation/level of stimulation to achieve orgasm.<P>I'm not sure if you've had any of your hormone levels tested, but I'd certainly consider it. There are numerous other things that ought to get some review, not just testosterone.<P>FYI: There's more info on a website I'm involved with, on blood-hormone levels etc. See my profile. Also, T levels decline ~50% from 20-40 - you're basically in the middle of this process. Perhaps your T levels were just above a threshold that worked fine for you. Recently, they fell below that needed level for you.<P>Again, I might just be crazy. *chuckle*<P>The A-D might be part of the issue. I assume it's an SSRI like Prozac or the like. It's not common from what I know for symptoms to just show up abruptly with no symptoms appearing before, but it can happen.<P>Hope that's helpful!<P>Greg<P><p>[This message has been edited by distressed_12345 (edited 08 September 2003).]

I just want to thank you guys for taking the time to try to help me out with this problem. <P>My doctor did a regular check up and she also took quite a bit of blood, i have yet to get the results from her. <P>I did specifically ask her about the depo. she said that she had prescribed that bc in particular because it is not supposed to interact badly with my other meds. <P>Sort of on the advice of both of you, the bf and i did a bit of role playing last night and I came closer to orgasm than i have in a while. So maybe it is all in my head and we just need to spice things up a bit....<P>I am not going off of my particular antidepressant, i spent a lot of time switching meds to come to my present situation and if it happens that it is that medication that is taking away my ability to orgasm, then i have to say that unfortunately it is an experience that i will learn to live without. <P>Let me say again how much i appreciate your help. I felt a little embarassed to even ask this question but it has helped me a lot to have people take me seriously. Thank you <P>Aimee

Distressed,<P>As of yet, "low testosterone" in women has no standardized definition. A simple blood test will not tell you whether a woman's testosterone level is "too low" for her body. "Ruling out" what you call the "physical issue" of "low testosterone" by performing a blood test is something that really doesn't exist in medicine today.

Owner: the measuring of blood testosterone levels can be a HIGHLY useful diagnostic tool.

The original poster has gotten some excellent information here. Perhaps starting a seperate thread for the argument of how useful testosterone is for certain things would be more helpful in it's own thread, so that this thread can be reserved for additional information for the poster looking for help? She can certainly decide, from all the info on this board, how she feels about testosterone--there is quite a bit here on it. Putting it in a seperate thread will allow her to keep her research seperate from new responses, etc.

Also, Aimmee, I am not aware of differing drug interactions with different forms of hormonal contraceptives. When I visited the planned parenthood site to double-check, the drug interactions and contraindications seemed pretty much the same (exception was Yasmin, but that was for certain diseases). You may consider discussing it again with your gyn, and asking her what her specific concerns are. Many doctors perscribe what they are comfortable with as opposed to what might be best for the patient. The other side of depo is that the office, if you're getting it there, gets part of the $$ for that shot. That isn't the case with birth control you can administer yourself and get from a pharmacy, such as oral contraceptives or the patch. As much as we hate to think these things about our doctors, this is their job, and it's about making money. Hopefully, it's also about caring for patients, but sometimes there is a conflict of interest. <P>If you'd like to do some research for yourself on different hormonal birth control methods, just visit <A HREF="www.planneparenthood.org." TARGET=_blank>www.planneparenthood.org.</A>

Sharon/Zoe/Owner etc...<P>Sheesh<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2"><BR>that some of the responses to her original post focused <B>so much on testosterone.</B><BR></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>(emphasis mine)<P>So much huh. A single post qualified by "This may or may not apply" qualifies as "So much?"<P>Give me a break.<P>Pinky is right. I'm right. You're wrong. A good, accurate and sensitive testosterone test would offer significant diagnostic help. A high (above midrange) value would almost certainly eliminate testosterone as a source of the problem. A lower third or quarter value would suggest that perhaps T levels *could* be part of the issue.<P>Finally, I'm suggesting that she check more than testosterone. Estrogen levels can also affect these issues. You'll note that I said... "There are numerous other things that ought to get some review, not just testosterone."<P>Finally, this is about the umpteenth time you've interjected your opinions with no suggestions for the person asking for help. (See your 09 September 2003 10:25 post)<P>I can't stop you from being contrary at every turn, but <B>how about helping those asking for help instead of trying to put the knife in my back.</B> <P>I don't really care about our disagreements. But I do care that you seem to attempt to start fights on every thread in which I suggest that perhaps testosterone or some other hormonal issue *might* apply. It doesn't help the person asking for help, and probably drives them away from asking for and receiving help. Hating me because I'm a man and because I have ideas that disagree with yours is dumb but at least understandable. Hurting the women who are looking for help isn't. Please stop.<P>Cheers,<BR>Greg<P>Also note, I am *not* a doctor, and this is not intended as medical advice - Please talk to your doctor about your concerns.<P>Oh, BTW, that link is a session link. It's probably tied to your computer and a cookie. It doesn't work, or at least it didn't for me. (Medscape requires a login, thus it's unlikely they will allow a non-registered user to access an article without first registering etc.)<P>[This message has been edited by distressed_12345 (edited 10 September 2003).]<BR><p>[Note: This message has been edited by NEWSHE Moderator]

Distressed,<BR>There's no need for an argument. Please be tolerant of other viewpoints. Thank you.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Owner (edited 10 September 2003).]<BR><p>[Note: This message has been edited by NEWSHE Moderator]

Owner, I never said the article wouldn't be good for her to read. I was asking that we not get argumentative over testosterone, and if you (or anyone else) wanted to do so, to do it on it's own thread, and possibly directed her to itthat thread instead of hijacking thins one. Again. In other words, can we all try to be a little more non-combative here? A better way to handle this would have been:<P>If you are interested in the specifics of what testosterone has been proven clinically useful for, and if it would be helpful in your case or not, please read this link (insert link). <P>or<P>Testosterone levels are still under discussion. If you're interested in more information on it, please visit: (insert link).<P>Again, it's up to her to decide if the information is useful and if she's interested in pursuing it. If we're advocating that women take charge of their own healthcare, then let them do so--provide the information, but allow them to draw their own conclusions or ask further questions. <P>And no, I am not saying you're the only combative one here. I am simply saying that offering help, instead of criticism of those who offer help, is counterproductive and can get confusing--especially for folks who might be new to the issues. Directing them to helpful links without attacking other's ideas is a much more useful and productive way to go about things.