His and Her Health

I don't know if this is the proper place to post..but I am confused. I haven't been formerly diagnosed with any disorder...however about three years ago I underwent surgery to basically reconstruct my vaginal opening (it was too small and made sex painful..not to mention that I ripped every time). I had been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years at that time (it's currently been 5 years we have been together). Tons of things have gone on since then...turns out the surgery did not completely fix the situation and I was diagnosed with with Endo. I finally found a gyno this year that has corrected the situation. However, it had not undone all of the years of low sex drive as a result of the medical problems. I am 26...boyfriend is 30. <BR>Well now it turns out that my boyfriend had two isolated encounters with two different women that he did not know earlier this year. He told me last week. He says that he didn't have sex with them...but that they gave him oral. Trust is a huge deal. I understand that he may have felt neglected...but he knew I was trying to fix the situation. Things had been going so well..I suppose that is why he told me...the guilt finally got to him. My dilemma is that ...do you ever go back from something like this? Is this really who he is or was this just a result of the situation? Would he do it again? He is physically upset over the situation and I have no doubt that he knows what he did was wrong. But what do you do from here?

Personally, I'd ditch him. <P>Immediately.

I think that you already probably know what you should do. I'm not going to tell you what i think you should do, but a huge part of a relationship is built on trust and commitment. Just weigh up whether you love him enough to forgive him. After everything that you've been through you should have a man who will be with you for you. <P>Hope it works out ok<P>Jane

I'm with Pinky. I am of the once a cheater, always a cheater school. Plus, are you going to be able to forget about this? I mean it seems to me that he is interested in making you feel responsible. The only time someone comes clean for cheating is when they want the otehr person to feel as badly as they do. Walk....run...doesn't matter....for him to do that to you shows a total lack of compassion and caring, you don't need to be with someone like that.<P>If he had told you he needed that, and you two talked about it beforehand that would be different, but i don't think that is what happened.<p>[This message has been edited by AimeeLoo (edited 11 September 2003).]

Actually we had discussed...that's part of the problem. He told me explicitly what he needed...and we discussed numerous amounts of time what was be neglected. I have some vulnerability issues that I need to deal with. The incidents happened last year when we were still unsure where our relationship was at. He told me now because he felt guilty and thought we couldn't move further until he came clean. It's just so confusing. I don't what to do. I don't want to lose him and he told me these were isolated incidents. I do trust him...it's just complicated. I don't know why I get so with uncomfortable intimacy and I want to get past that. I just don't know how to.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by ufrower:<BR><B>I don't know if this is the proper place to post..but I am confused. I haven't been formerly diagnosed with any disorder...however about three years ago I underwent surgery to basically reconstruct my vaginal opening (it was too small and made sex painful..not to mention that I ripped every time). I had been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years at that time (it's currently been 5 years we have been together). Tons of things have gone on since then...turns out the surgery did not completely fix the situation and I was diagnosed with with Endo. I finally found a gyno this year that has corrected the situation. However, it had not undone all of the years of low sex drive as a result of the medical problems. I am 26...boyfriend is 30. <BR>Well now it turns out that my boyfriend had two isolated encounters with two different women that he did not know earlier this year. He told me last week. He says that he didn't have sex with them...but that they gave him oral. Trust is a huge deal. I understand that he may have felt neglected...but he knew I was trying to fix the situation. Things had been going so well..I suppose that is why he told me...the guilt finally got to him. My dilemma is that ...do you ever go back from something like this? Is this really who he is or was this just a result of the situation? Would he do it again? He is physically upset over the situation and I have no doubt that he knows what he did was wrong. But what do you do from here?</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>After reading both your notes it seems you want to keep this guy and your relationship. If that is true then you both have to work at letting go of what happened and look only to the future. It is important to remember that we can change NOTHING of the past. We have to let it go. If he has apologized and asked forgivness and you have truly forgiven him for hurting you this way then you have to get it out of your system and go on to working on your sexual future. Do you give him oral sex. It seems that is a really important thing to men. If you don't do that you might really try that. It will prove to him that you do want to satisfy him. Keep working on the other sexual problems. It is not easy but if he has stayed with you for this long then he must care for you and want to make this relationship work. I was married to an alcoholic who quit drinking after 14 years. We had a lot of work to do for me to overcome the lack of trust I had but we worked hard at renewing our trust and spent 22 more years together in a wonderful marriage. Hope this helps. Pan<BR>

Thanks for the kind words. It's just confusing. We have talked a few times since everything came out...and he says that he truly loves me and wants to work this out. But that he needs time to figure some things out for himself. And he isn't sure when it will all be figured out. Fact is that we are broken up ..yet still somewhat trying to work towards a common goal of fixing all of this. I just hate the idea of sitting around wondering what he is doing and who he may be doing it with. He says that he could never be with someone else...that's not what he is looking for. Yet he can't guarantee me that he won't give into his sexual urges.