His and Her Health

*delete<p>[This message has been edited by Tammi (edited 27 September 2003).]

Tammi,<P>I have been in a relationship where both he and I have had many friends of the opposite sex. I am also friends to this day with most of my ex's. My husband is still on good terms with some of his ex's, and I know and like several of them. I regularly trade emails with one regarding a mutual hobby. That said, I am not willing to be friends with an ex that gives me reason (let alone outright says) that he/she wants me back. That isn't appropriate since I am married. If they still harbor feelings for me, they need to work through them and accept my life has moved on before we can be on a level where I am comfortable being friends. My significant others are held to the same standard.<P>Here are some key things, though, that sound as if they may not be happening in your relationship: <P>--ALL of my friends (ex's included) hang out with both my husband *and* I. We go to dinner together, we go out on double dates together, etc. There is no secrecy about it. If a male friend (or a female one, for that matter, since I am bi) refuses to hang out with my husband and I together on a social basis, then unfortunately I can't be friends with them. Acquiantances, yes. Drop each other an occasional line to make sure we're alive and reasonably healthy, yes. More than that, no. My husband (and most of my past relationships) is the same way. It's been something I've always insisted on--full disclosure. If a man's female friends are unwilling to meet me on a social basis, there is something fishy. End of story. If they were just friends, and nothing was going on, it wouldn't be a big deal. This doesn't mean we don't go out seperately with those friends, as well. I've got an ex who regularly calls me for "chick" advice because he knows I'll be honest with him and tell him if he's being an ass <BR>1) Does he include you in his friendships?<BR>2) Has he ever given you reason to be jealous (cheated on you, etc.)?<BR>3) Does he have male friends he is also close with?<BR>4) (This is my own personal curiosity) Where, in all the Heaven's, does the man find time to keep this many close friends?!<P>This isn't going to get better as time goes on. If you are really planning to marry this man, you should definitely work your lifestyle out now--before the vows. Expecting him to change after the words "I Do" is a huge misconception.<P>I will say that if your boyfriend seems to be the sole or primary supporter of these women going through divorce and they just popped up, that is strange and warrants some talking about. If they were that close of friends, these women should have come up before this. It is appropriate, perhaps, for them to want to talk through issues and perhaps to go out to coffee occasionally, but if your boyfriend is their primary support (especially if he's doing it to the detriment of reasonable amounts of time with you, cancelling plans regularly, etc.), there is a problem. Being there for someone is one thing, but being the sole or primary support for what are likey emotionally vulnerable women going through a very trying time who pop up suddenly out of nowhere is another situation entirely. Especially if it's not involving you in any way. I have actually been in a similar situation, and he berated me for being jealous. I wasn't, I just felt he was possibly sending her mixed signals at such a vulnerable time and didn't want him encouraging her emotional attachment (which was becoming REALLY obvious from the way they were communicating) to him. He then began displaying the other warning signs: not wanting this woman and I to be together in social situations, not taking her phone calls where I could hear them, etc. We broke up, he married her. Turns out he was engaged to her before he and I broke up (we were talking about retirement, buying a house, going to Europe, etc. the week before we broke up, and yes, this woman knew that). I supsect that he's not exactly being faithful to her, either--he was a "rescuer," and had a track record of leaving as soon as a woman was no longer in an emotional state of need. *shrugs* Fortunately, I found out before we were married. I feel bad for her.<P>All that said, have you ever thought about working a bit on your jealousy? Do you know why you are a jealous person? Is it issues from the past? Body image? Self-esteem in other areas? Other things? To be in a healthy relationship, it's important to be comfortable in your own skin, to have your own identity and to like yourself as much as you like the other person. Caring about someone doesn't mean jealousy, and jealousy can be extremely harmful in a long-term relationship. It's an emotion that often gets worse, not better, with time. Your current significant other may, indeed, deserve a bit of questioning; but, if you are an all-around jealous person, it may be difficult to have a successful, trusting relatioship.<P>Hope this long-winded diatribe has been of some use.

It may just be personality. My best friend from high school has an unusual number of close female friends. We were engaged once, and we still are very close, and we certainly heavily flirt with each other. For many years he was in a serious long-term relationship, and despite the casual flirting with his many many women friends, he was utterly and completely devoted (and faithful) to her, absolutely bonkers in love. She ended up leaving him.<P>I think men that really love to be around women are so rare, that when one comes along, whether gay or straight, women snap him up as a close friend. Unless he's the sort to go around having casual sex with all of them (and if he were, I think he'd be more secretive about his friendships with you), I think there's safety in numbers. I'd be more concerned if he had only one really close female friend.

I don't find your concerns at all unreasonable. You say you are a jealous type, but I think boundaries are important in monogamous relationships and that it is appropriate to defend the boundaries of your relationship.<P>Are you being too hard on yourself? <P>I would go even further and say that if you are seeking a monogamous relationship then you should fight good and hard for relationship boundaries. Let's not be naive: a large proportion of marriages are affected by extra-marital affairs and if your boyfriend fails to protect the boundaries on his side, then he is exposing himself to the possibility of serious emotional leakages oustide of marriage (if you do marry) and the possibility of having an affair.<P>I had a serious boyfriend years ago who had loads of female friends. After a few months of dating him, I started wondering why he didn't have many MALE friends and why his closest friends were women. Anyway, it transpired, after I had dated him for 6 or 7 months(we were planning to get married at the time), that one of these ladies was an ex-girlfriend (they had had a 2-year relationship which he had concealed from me) and that they had had a few romantic encounters while I was dating him. Our relationship, at his instigation, was supposed to be exclusive at that time. <P>I think that most adults have "skeletons" of sorts in their cupboards and my experience has been that the skeletons never fall out of the cupboards in the first few months of dating. Frankly, I don't think you are at an appropriate stage to be thinking of marriage yet. I don't think you know him well enough. Two friends of mine got engaged after a 5-month courtship (they had known each other very well before that for several years) and got married shortly after that. Some months into their marriage his skeletons came tumbling out and boy did she (and many others) get some seriously nasty surprises. Their marriage is now broken up. I know of many similar cases.<P>It is my unscientific and untested view that there frequently and possibly even generally is no such thing as a truly platonic relationship: either he fancies her or she fancies him (or the attraction is mutual) or one of them is gay. I think that your boyfriend's female friends should be at least as interested in spending time with you as they are with him. Or at least APPEAR to be as interested in your company as they are in his. <P>Stand your ground, I say! If more people stood their ground on issues like this, there would be fewer marriages devastated by affairs.