His and Her Health

I am 23 years old and I have a gorgeous boyfriend, so why don’t I want to have sex? I will try to make this brief, but I know it won’t be.<P>I am in the best relationship I have ever been in and I really want to marry this man. However, he may not want to marry me much longer. We have sex once every 3 or 4 weeks. It is my fault. I never initiate and 50% of the time he does, I turn him down. So, he has stopped pursuing me. He has become very anxious and upset. He takes it very personally, as would I, if my partner showed no sexual desire towards me. <P>I can’t decide if this is mental or physical or both. My mom says I am not in the right relationship; she doesn’t like him because he isn’t rich. So, I don’t care what she says. My friends think it is a little of both.<P>There are two parts to this story. First, I have a few issues with my bf. This may affect the mental aspect. He is 4 years older than me and still lives with his parents. But, I still live with my parents. So, I try not to judge him. Second, he has no education nor do I think he values education. I am not saying this is the only way. I just want him to want to better himself, get the most out of life, learn from everything. I think his goal is to make as much money as possible without working too hard. I guess everyone wants that, but I don’t think he wants much more than that. People tell me this is typical of someone his age, guys don’t think of point D only point A. Who knows. He goes from one bad job to another. Sometimes he waits 2-3 weeks before really looking, he plays with the idea. This has caused much frustration for me. My mother says he lacks ambition and that he will never be able to provide for a family. Friends say I do not see him as a “manâ€

How under control is your candida? That can have a pretty serious effect on libido. Have you been on Diflucan?

I have never taken Diflucan. My mother is nurse, so I am very aware of the problems diflucan can cause. my candida was not specific to vaginal yeast infections. In fact, I never get them. I had what they call systemic candida, it was all through out my body. All my joints were discolored, darker than the rest of my body. The only thing I take is ThreeLac, 3 types of microorgansims. It helps bring back a\balance b/w the "friendly" flora or bacteria and the bad. I hope this helps. <P>The reason I know I am better is I have energy. Before I had this cloud over my head, I could not concentrate. I was very lethargic. Now, I rollerblade 10 miles a day. It is a start. <P>Thanks for concern.

Did you ever have a strong desire to have sex with him more often than you do now, or has this been a "problem" from the beginning of your relationship? (curious- If you both live with your parents, where do you have sex?)<P>

Yeah, that does sound funny. I actually just moved in with my parents in August. I moved in with them because i could not work all summer because of my illness. My boyfriend and I basically lived together for 8 months before that. He does live with his parents, but they are really cool. They gave me a key to the house. His dad even mentioned sex, in a jokingly way. We are all adults, so it isn't that big of a deal anymore. Not like it is when, say you are in high school. He is not allowed to stay at my house. So, when we have sex now, it is at his parents' house. <P>To answer your question about my desire for sex....my illness got bad about 3 months after we started dating. The first three months we had a sex a few times a week, when we saw each other. But for most of our relationship I have been feeling this way.

to say one more thing, I did desire sex a lot more when we first started dating. One of my problems now, is I feel so guilty for not having sex or not wanting it. I know that is something i will just have to work through.<P>he also doesn't approach me in the best way. I can't just have sex. I need to be romanced or wooed, or you know. His way of attempting is putting his hands b/w my legs. I'm like wow, buddy, we were just cuddling on the couch and I was feeling close to you and you just grab me. It is like it comes from left field. Is that weird? I told him I would like him to touch me more. Work our way into it. Last night he did that and we had success, yeah!<P>I thank you guys for responding, I can't tell you how much it means to me, just to know there are kind people in this world who will be glad to help. I don't meet many people like that.

It is absolutely not weird that you prefer a slower, more progressive seguey to sex. Many women prefer this type of initiation, and many need it to become properly aroused. <P>You might also consider sensate therapy as a way to help him understand you and your needs more. You can look it up pretty easily on the web, but the essential idea is that you both agree not to attempt intercourse, but rather to work through a progression of "stages" to help you each discover more about yourselves and each other's body, likes, dislikes, needs and desires. This, while ineffective for some couples or situations, may be a great solution to bring you both closer together, and teach each of you about the other's needs. It also may help both of you appreciate alternate forms of pleasure, which can be a help when you aren't necessarily up for intercourse (perhaps because of your illness). It won't likely solve your initiating issue, though it may help some if you can have the assurance that if you initiate it's not just going to be him jumping on you, so to speak, but that he'll take time to fulfill your needs. It might, however, help your desire and the sucess of your sex by modifying how he approaches you when he initiates.<P>And, importantly, it is a way to reinforce that sometimes, intimacy does not always need to lead to sex. Cuddling, kissing and other intimate touches needn't always be pre-cursors to sex (though they certainly can be). <P>I don't know much about candida as an illness, but if it makes you tired, keeps you in pain, or otherwise affects your overall physical health, it's not at all suprising that you may not have a lot of "active" (meaning initiative) desire. This is often true of people with chronic illnesses, even if they enjoy sex itself. Sometimes a concious effort on the part of the person who suffers from the illness can help, but sometimes it's really just a side effect of what is going on in the body. It is something your lover may have to be understanding about, especially if you are willing to work on it with him.

Thank you, dona1, that makes<BR>me feel a lot better.<p>[This message has been edited by flybaby747 (edited 19 October 2003).]

Most women would find being grabbed like a piece of meat a turn-off. Still, I think there may be a medical component here too. Diflucan can help with systemic candida. And systemic candida can very definitely have a detrimental effect on libido. While you may not have yeast infections, it can cause problems with lubrication and arousal. You may want to consider changing your diet to the Candida Diet too.<p>[This message has been edited by zaneblue (edited 20 October 2003).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by flybaby747:<BR><B>I am in the best relationship I have ever been in and I really want to marry this man.</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2"><B>I have a few issues with my bf. This may affect the mental aspect. He is 4 years older than me and still lives with his parents. But, I still live with my parents. So, I try not to judge him. Second, he has no education nor do I think he values education. I am not saying this is the only way. I just want him to want to better himself, get the most out of life, learn from everything. I think his goal is to make as much money as possible without working too hard. I guess everyone wants that, but I don’t think he wants much more than that. People tell me this is typical of someone his age, guys don’t think of point D only point A. Who knows. He goes from one bad job to another. Sometimes he waits 2-3 weeks before really looking, he plays with the idea. This has caused much frustration for me.</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The question I have is where do you plan to live when you marry this man? Flybaby, this may be the best relationship you've ever had up to this point in your life, but that doesn't mean you won't have even better ones in the future. He may be "gorgeous", but that doesn't last long if there's not much to back it up beyond his looks. You're very young and have a lot of experiences ahead of you. Speaking from experience, I doubt your mother doesn't like him because he isn't "rich". It's probably more of a problem that he is somewhat lazy and lack ambition. And no, most men at 27 years old are not like that. It's an important quality for a person to gain more satisfaction out of working hard for their success than sitting around and waiting for it to fall in their lap. How hard would he work at your relationship and parenting your children if you got married? Your mother and your friends probably do have your best interest at heart.<P>As for your medical issues, candida, IBS, vulvodynia, and depression are correlated (that means they are often found in the same person).<P>My advice as a mother (last person you probably want to hear from!) is for both of you to get jobs that earn enough money for you to support yourselves and move out of your parent's houses. Then see what happens.

ya, that is the last thing I want to hear. I guess I was not clear enough. I tried to make my "story" as brief as possible. <P>I live with my parents because I was too sick to work. It is a temporary situation. I do plan on getting a real job once I graduate. I do have a job now and I am saving money. Thanks for making me feel like a loser. <P>As far as my boyfriend goes, I told him I do not plan on committing to anything until we both can prove we are capable of living on our own, separately. So we aren’t getting married anytime soon, probably years.<P>I said he was gorgeous because I wanted to make the point that my lack of desire had nothing to do with him. Like my mother, I must spell things out for her. Our relationship is not based on looks, as you would have inferred by reading that we have been together for quite some time. We have a very strong, understanding, supportive relationship. <P>Oh and my mother does only care if he is rich. She is in a terrible, controlling relationship. She wouldn’t care what my father did as long as he was a provider. He was never a father. We never had a relationship. I have the opposite with my boyfriend. I think that is why so many older women are miserable, they settle for a financially supportive man, rather than a good relationship. And in the end they are still sad and looking for fulfillment. Aren’t women strong enough to support themselves? We would like to think so, yet our mothers still tell us to find the rich ones. <BR> <BR>He works very hard at our relationship now. My own parents didn’t think I was sick. They thought I was being lazy, ungrateful, and lacked ambition. He supported me emotionally. When I was moody or apathetic, when I would complain or cry, he stuck by me. My parents told me to snap out of it. I think he works harder than the average man. There is always the possibility to find better. I won’t stay with him, if I think it will hinder me from growing. Nor did I stay with him because he did support me so much. <P>All of my friends love him; their only concern is whether or not he will be able to support a family. Honestly, I am worried too.<P>I do appreciate the comments. I hear the same thing from my mother. All I wanted was some advice on the sex issue, maybe something I don’t know. My boyfriend is wonderful, I only spoke of the problems because I thought they may be of importance in resolving my situation. <BR>

Flybaby,<P>In your first posting those were some issues you brought up yourself, so I don't know why it would be the last thing you would expect to hear. Those are not small issues you say you have with your boyfriend. Women don't need a man to support them financially, but it's usually a good idea if he can support himself. It's not an either-or situation. Either financial stability OR emotional support. You should have both to have a successful relationship. When a couple isn't in sync with their goals for the future, it is a problem that will only get larger as time goes on. Perhaps your mother and father's relationship is making you want "the opposite". I agree with you though about some women seeking financial support in a husband (or "wanting to start a family" or wanting to "get married") and not taking enough time to find a true "love" match. it goes both ways.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by conner:<BR><B>candida, IBS, vulvodynia, and depression are correlated (that means they are often found in the same person).</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Do you know why that is?<P>

I don’t know what vulvodynia is. But, from what I have learned and researched, IBS is a condition in the bowels that can include bloating, diahreia, constipation, and more. I suffer from the constipation. Doctors are unsure what causes IBS, but they know stress can play a vital role. I do not digest food properly. Therefore, I don’t always get proper nutrition. I also reabsorb toxins. Toxins can cause fatigue and depression. I also heard your intestines have something to do with your serotonin levels. One of the hormones related to happiness. I figure if my intestines don’t work well, it affects my serotonin levels.<P>Also, candida is found in the intestines. If not properly treated, it can give off I think I heard 75 toxins. “In the human host, these toxins can get into the bloodstream and produce an array of central nervous system symptoms (fatigue, spaciness, confusion, irritability, mental fogginess, memory loss, depression, dizziness, mood swings, headaches, nausea, burning sensations, numbness and tingling, and others).â€

I will give my two cents once again. If you were so sick from the candida that you were unable to work, I strongly suspect that is at the heart of your problem. You may be feeling somewhat better by taking friendly bacteria, but I really doubt that has overcome the illness completely. <P>We aren't allowed to post links here, but if I were you I would find an online support group and get seen by a doctor who specializes in treating this condition. Many doctors don't take it seriously, but some do and there is effective treatment. This condition will have an effect on your sexuality.