His and Her Health

I have been married for 11 years and have a 10 year old child. My husband has shown no desire to get intimate with me since the birth of our child. He avoids talking about this issue by getting very angry with me. I also am not attracted to him physically. With my limited experiences with my husbnad, our sex was never good. Although I have never cheated on him, I am attracted to other men. I am 41 now and I do not want to live the rest of my life totally sexless. If a chance arrives, I am afraid I would cheat on my husband.

I am very sorry to hear of your plight. I am so glad that you are turning to us here for support. For you do need support. <P>His treatment of you seems disgraceful: of course you are entitled to talk about the situation, as long as you remain calm and non-aggressive, which you probably do. I don't know whether or not he has given you some sort of explanation but you are entitled to one. <P>I have heard anecdotes that might suggest that a rare minority of men can lose sexual interest in their wives following childbirth. Something to do with not feeling right about having sexual relations with a mother. <P>Or, there could be several other reasons for his disinclination to have sex.Some sexual dysfunctions are due to organic factors, some are of psychological origin, others are a combination... But, certainly, he should be doing his level best to at the very least make the situation as good as possible for you. If not, he is being utterly selfish.<P>It is very good of you never to have cheated on him. I can understand the temptation. You have been very unselfish in your circumstances. It is perfectly natural that you do not want to live the rest of your life totally sexless. Obviously, you have a very laudable commitment to your marriage vows and are torn between those and the harsh reality of the sexless life you lead. <P>You need to ensure that he is as giving in the relationship as you are. Any healthy relationship is about give and take. You have given him commitment, fidelity and loyalty in the most adverse of situations. It behoves him to give back to you in return and see whatever specialists necessary to make your situation, which is at times intolerable for you, better.<P>And a wealth of information is available on the internet to guide one in the right direction and towards the most appropriate forms of treatment.<P>Perhaps you should also consider whether you are being bullied or emotionally abused and whether it is time to nip certain behaviours in the bud.<P>But certainly, you need a safe place to vent and I hope you will soon find relief and light at the end of the tunnel.<P>(BTW, I am overcoming vaginismus, and was only able to have intercourse with my husband after 3 years of marriage. Couldn't even insert a tampon. So I am speaking to you as one who has been in a situation somewhat like your husband's. I think that your husband must take some action. It is his moral obligation to at least do his best to remedy the situation.)<P><BR> <P>

Thank you, Pinky for your support and kind words. I feel better sharing the Secret on the board since I have not told about this to anyone.

Jamie...<P>Just a few thoughts.<P>If your hubby has a "performance" issue, such as no erection, no desire etc, then your wanting to have sex could make him feel threatened or defensive. However, getting angry certainly isn't the right solution to the problem - but perhaps it makes it more understandable. <P>Some men have low testosterone, or other problems that may cause erectile difficulty, or other problems. Sometimes these difficulties are symptoms of greater health problems - diabetes for example.<P>Next, many medications can cause the same types of problems in men they cause in women. Could your husband be on anti-depressants? Any others medications?<P>Personally, unless you think there are extremely serious relationship or mental issues that are the cause of the problems, I'd really advise him to see a specialist to review his physical condition. (More than a "physical" though. I'm recommending a through work-up, with specific attention to his sexual difficulties.) I suspect convincing him to do this won't be easy, but if you want to make a go of your marriage, I think it needs to be done.<P>If your relationsip is struggling from causes outside of the low sexual desire itself, then perhaps psychological help would be better, but I really feel that a complete medical/physical review is required.<P>Can I suggest a book?<P>Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship by David Schnarch (One really doesn't need both of David Schnarch's books, but both are good and somewhat different. Resurrecting Sex discusses both medical and psychological causes for sexual dysfunction, where Passionate Marriage only reviews the psychological, though it's an excellent book.)<P>I know there are books on male sexual dysfunction, but I'm not familliar with them. Perhaps someone else here would have a recommend. Schnarch's book is very good though, and I'd recommend it regardless.<P>I have a few other places on the internet you might go for answers. I can't, however post them here. Perhaps you should email me, and I'll get them to you.<P>Best wishes,<BR>Greg<P>------------------<BR>See the icons at the top of this post for my profile and more information.<BR>Also note, I am *not* a doctor, and this is not intended as medical advice - Please talk to your doctor about your concerns.<p>[This message has been edited by distressed_12345 (edited 04 November 2003).]

Jamie,<P>Do you have any reason to believe he might be getting sex elsewhere (extramarital affairs, or internet)? Or is it that he has not been interested in sex with anybody at all all these years?<P>As with women, there are also men who were never all that interested in sex.<P>You aren't attracted to him either, you say. Is this because he was never a good lover so you BECAME disinterested, or were you never attracted to him even in the beginning?

Well, my husband is a pleasant looking man, although I have never felt sexually attraction toward him. When I got married, I priotized his personality, work, and other things over sex appeal. I soon realized that he is one of those who is not interested in sex. He works out on a regular basis and very healthy. He is not on any medication. I believe his lack of interest in sex is more mental than physical. For instance, when he sees me naked after getting out of a shower by accident, he would turn his head and says, "Cover yourself up!" as if he is looking at something dirty. I have suggested to sleep in a separate room, but he gets very angry and insists on sharing the bed as if denying that we are having problems.

Do you know if he has a history of sexual abuse? I think he should certainly see a professional.

I have to agree with Zane on this..it sounds as if therapy may be helpful to him (and, by extension, to you). If he sees sex as dirty, or your body as offensive, or "For procreation only," that would explain his lack of interest. Do you know much about how his family dealt with the topic of sex while he was growing up? Any history (known to you--and he very well may not ever say anything about it) of sexual abuse, as Zane asked? Strict religious views about sex?<P>He could also simply be asexual. Some people are. It could be a combination of mental and physical causes such as low testosterone (which, btw, can occur in men of all ages). Therapy, in this case, might be the way to begin; but, it could be really difficult to get him to see it as enough of an issue to go.