His and Her Health

I was widowed suddenly nine months ago and am left with two teenage daughters. I've been seeing an old friend and am dismayed to find myself considering a sexual relationship so soon. Am I crazy?! Any support or reasons why this might not be a good idea are welcome!

mk, well im a 22 year old guy, and i dont even know if you all want me posting here, but if i have something to say that might help, i dont see why not.<P>First of all, i think you should do whatever makes you happy. i think it seems a little soon, but im not in your situation nor do i know what you are feeling. if you dont see anything wrong with it, dont hold back.<P>my concern would be with your daughters. you said teenage, but thats a wide spectrum. later year teenagers may not have an issue with a new man in your life so soon, but younger ones may have a real tough time dealing with it, wether they show it or not. i can assure you that it would have been tough for me to deal with at 13, or even now for that matter. your a mother and im sure you know that, but just thought i might point that out anyway.<p>[This message has been edited by pilot996 (edited 05 November 2003).]

As you said, my concern is for my daughters. The stars aligned for us at this time in my life but for people other than myself it's not the right time. I know my daughters want me to find someone eventually, just not so soon. I thank you for your advice.

You are not crazy. Sex, for many women, is a biological drive. Your body doesn't realize you're a widow, even if your mind does, so those urges are still there. After trauma, the mind will often supress those urges for various reasons: stress, emotional pain, etc. Every person deals with trauma in their own way, and at their own pace. While 9 months may be far, far too soon for many widows to contemplate another partner, it may be fine for you. There are cases of people being remarried within a year of their spouses' passing, and living the rest of their lives out happily, just as there are cases of people never getting remarried or into another relationship. It's a very individual thing, and only you can make that judgement.<P>That said, it may not be so physical as all that. You may also be looking for that connection with another person that is now missing from your life so suddenly. Sexual contact is one way many humans express and accept affection, and one way to deal with lonliness and share of yourself. It is worth thinking about, and weighing what the decision to move forward to a physical relationshp would do to your friendship with this person. Do you want to take that step with *him*, or simply with someone and he happens to be around, acceptable and avaialable? Are you willing to lose an old friend, which can happen if things go awry, for the chance at a sexual relationship with him?<P>While you of course need to consider your daughters before you bring a new person into your life, you also need to consider your own needs. Would this simply be a discreet, sexual relationship for mutual fulfillment but with no emotional ties beyond friendship? If so, then as long as you are discreet about it, there's no reason to bring it up to your daughters. Your bodily affairs are still your own, so long as your responsible (meaning, safe sex so that you don't catch anything, etc.) and discreet. They don't need to be informed of your every move, and probably don't want to be. If it's to be more than that, however, it is important to consider that your daughters may not be ready for another person in their lives after such a short time. Their grieving period and yours are likely on different paths at different rates, and they need very different things. Not forcing them into anything too soon is important. You may want to talk about this with your friend, and perhaps agree to keep your relationship to yourselves for a while, or to wait altogether before jumping in. <P>There is a lot to think about in a situation like this, and some difficult choices. You aren't crazy, you're human, and you desire closeness on some level--be it sexual, emotional, or both. That is perfectly understandable, and may even be part of your personaly grieving process (the desire for contact, not the decision to have a sexual relationship).

A few thoughts:<P>A sexual relationship can result in a pregnancy. What if you were to become pregnant? How would your daughters feel about that? <P>And if this friendship were to go to the point of sexual intimacy and then break off - how would you feel about the potential permanant loss, perhaps even sudden loss, of your friend? It might constitute another bereavement for you. Could you handle that?<P>I think it is wonderful you have a friend at this time. How fortunate you are. But I think you need to keep things as stable as possible for your daughters. It's bad enough that they have lost a father; should they start contemplating step-fatherhood or a new "father figure" so soon after their trauma might be overwhelming for them and add to their stress and even distress.Such stress can negatively affect schoolwork and consequently their future job prospects.<P>I would therefore suggest you keep seeing your friend but keep the sex until after you have decided whether this relationship is going somewhere or not. <P>I guess my thoughts on the matter are commitment first, sex afterwards.Otherwise, too many people might get hurt.<P>Also, this is a time to prioritise family life: focusing on your daughters and their well-being and recovery as much as possible for the reasons mentioned above. Should you get more deeply engrossed or involved in this new relationship, how emotionally tuned into your daughters can you be? Or will your mind be elsewhere at times when your daughters might need your attention?<BR>Also, you are probably still very much recovering from the sudden bereavement yourself. A fling can act as a sedative that briefly takes away the pain and postpones dealing with issues which can later resurface precisely because they were never properly worked through in the first place.<P>I would counsel caution. Great caution. And to take your time and proceed V-E-R-Y slowly on this one.<P>

On the other hand...I'm not going to offer advice on relationships, but my father died when I was a teenager. I would have been absolutely thrilled if my mom had started dating within the year. Right at the time when I was wanting independence and more time by myself, with her losing my father it seemed her extra time was focused on me. I was worried about her too. Seeing her happy with another man would have relieved my mind in many ways.