His and Her Health

I'm interested in obtaining more information on vaginal cones. I've heard about it alot on this site, however, I'd like to learn more about them. Also, I went to my first therapy session, and I think it went okay. Is it a good idea to ask the therapist to maybe prescribe a valium or something to maybe keep my stress level down, as this issue has consumed me quite a bit. I've made great strides in renewing my libido. I believe that because my husband is not so receptive to sex right now (for reasons either discussed in earlier post: "End of my Rope" or not)it increases my desire, as if it's maybe a challenge to me or something. However, I don't know that if that's such a healthy way to become stimulated. My lubrication has increased substantially. I am feeling almost obsessed with this, and find myself quite nervous now. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

I am glad your therapy went well, and that you're making progress. I would strongly advise, however, against asking or taking a perscription like valium for your anxiety and stress. There are MUCH more effective, less addictive ways to deal with things like this when they are simply situational. If you are having anxiety attacks, and really believe that you need something outside of the things I list below, consider 5-htp. There's more info on it on this site, just do a search. It works well for anxiety in many people without all the nasty side-effects (not to mention the addictive issues) of things like valium.<P>Other things to try:<BR>--Yoga. No, I am not going all new-agey on you. The breathing used in yoga is a wonderful anxiety and stress reliever, and is often perscribed to people trying to deal with anxiety.<P>--Excersize. Spend some of that nervous energy doing plie's, crunches, lifting weights, taking a walk, etc. Excersize decreases stress and increases the positive hormones in your body. It will also possibly help your libido on a longer-term basis.<P>--Hobby. Find something to do at home that you can concentrate on to get your mind off the issue.<P>I know these sound like common sense, and it's not always easy to get into the swing of things like that; but, valium is likely to cause you to backslide at best.

Thanks for the reply dona1. I understand the side effects of something like valium, but I couldn't think of anything else that would help my anxiety, especially since most of the other techniques you mentioned are already activities that I engage in on a regular basis. I was hoping for something for the short term that would be more effective at this time. On another note though, I am also interested in receiving more information on vaginal cones and where to get them. Any information anyone could provide would be greatly appreciated.

The most popular brand is called FemTone; you can get them online (although many places have a hard time keeping them in stock). The weights are used by inserting the heaviest weight you are able to retain, and then walking around the house for twenty minutes, keeping it in. This is done two or three times a week.<P>You may want to consider a book that Greg recommended--Resurrecting Sex by David Schnarch.<P>Sometimes knowing that a partner is cheating can renew sexual interest. When I cheated on my husband, he had renewed sexual interest in me. Market demand increases the value. Part of the reason I am no longer cheating.<P>As for anxiety, it is understandable considering your situation. In a purely sexual context, you may want to consider damiana. It's not an herb for everyday use or for general anxiety, but it may help if you take it prior to sexual situations.<p>[This message has been edited by zaneblue (edited 18 November 2003).]

Quote:<BR>"Sometimes knowing that a partner is cheating can renew sexual interest. When I cheated on my husband, he had renewed sexual interest in me. Market demand increases the value. Part of the reason I am no longer cheating."<P>I'm glad that you stated the above. It has crossed my mind several times since the onset of this particular situation (my suspicions) that this may be the case. Before I suspected that he was cheating, I didn't pursue him.<P>Since I've been dealing with my own sexual issues, I've been able to loosen up and become aroused. Thing is, I don't have proof, nor am I even concerned at this point if he is cheating or not. I just want to have a normal sex drive and sex life with my husband, even though I've missed out on my end for so long. I will admit, however, that it's almost a turn-on to "work for it" from him.<P>I have had sex with my husband twice since I began posting here a couple of weeks ago. I have learned that I am "normal" in the arousal area where I thought I wasn't. He is, however, obviously avoiding having sex with me. This hurts me, but at least now I see how he felt. With this in mind, however, I still feel extra-rejected in the context that for so many years, I was the one with the "problem" of not enjoying sex, not him, so for him to avoid it when I'm obviously wanting it is obviously not for that reason. It's like for so long, he wanted it, and now that I want to give it to him, he doesn't want it (or that seems to be the perception). He's not cruel when he does this, but after 25 years, I know him.<P>Nevertheless, I'm still determined that I will get myself sexually together for my own sake.

I'm coming at it from the opposite point of view. Well, mostly. At one point I did have FSD for a number of years, and then also when I was lactating I lost interest. But especially recently it's been very much the reverse of your situation. From what you are saying, I would very much recommend that Schnarch book.<P>The thoughts that ran through my mind were very complicated when I realized my husband was neither gay nor had a naturally low sex drive. It was a hard blow to my self esteem, especially since I had gone out of my way to make myself unattractive for fear of falling into philandering. I realized instead if I had made him worried about getting cuckolded the first year we were married, he would have given me more and better sex and would have made me feel beautiful. That's not really in my nature, when I love it's pretty obvious and overwhelming, and I thought marriage was a safe place to be that way, the way I am. Instead, before I got to adultery I deeply resented him. I realized that my wanting to have sex repelled him. Since then we've had sex, and what with my souped-up physical side of things with my diet and all, I've enjoyed myself, but I have avoided it. After ten years of neglect, I'm emotionally damaged. I know that very well which is why I don't give advice on the emotional side of female sexuality on this board. And I'm not giving advice now; I'm just telling what happened to me because it might help in some way (although of course our situations are different) for you to understand your husband's point of view somewhat.