His and Her Health

I'd like to introduce myself a bit. And I'd also like to toss a question or two out. <P>I'm new to these boards - and I'm VERY pleased to be here. I'm eighteen - almost nineteen. I've read about sexuality. I've experimented. I've had a boyfriend. I've experimented with girls. I've dabbled in something some of you might know as "The Lifestyle" and others may know as BDSM.<P>I consider myself knowledgeable to a degree... but I've got one problem, one very large hurdle I can't seem to get over. Perhaps it's a combination of circumstances.<P>I've only had one boyfriend - and I stayed true to him while we dated (for nearly two years while in high school). Sometime in the second year - more toward the end of it, we finally broke sexual grounds and began to explore ourselves and each other. <P>Our relationship was ill-fated. We were two silly teens in "love". We were each other's first significant others. We were both virgins - and both terribly shy and admittedly "sexual stupid" in a lot of ways. <P>But we learned slowly. And one day we decided we'd attempt mutual masturbation in the form of dry sex. It was a hot day and he slipped. (Yes, he did. He wasn't aiming!) <P>I was in utter shock. I hadn't felt a thing! If sex was as painless as this I'd have it made. After all, I'd heard sex was nothing but pain for virgins. But it didn't hurt a bit! He pulled out - scared silly and nearly fell off the bed. <P>We planned encounters after that. But each planned encounter hurt like burning coals and he had the nail marks in his back to prove it. The only way he could ever penetrate without pain thereafter was a very slow - very prolonged mutual masturbation session of dry sex which gradually turned into very moist sex either through sweat or some other unnamed bodily fluid. <P>We discovered that by me laying on the corner of his bed and him half crouching it didn't hurt as much either - and by as much I mean I didn't feel the need to sink my talons into his back. However I often found myself silently hoping that he'd "be done soon" whenever we tried to have sex. <P>I wondered if there was something wrong. Maybe I just couldn't produce enough natural lubrication. Well, we tried lotions, oils and eventually store purchased lubricant. However by the time my body was a little less than ragingly reluctant he would have gone soft. It was frustrating and eventually we gave up on the idea of having sex. <P>We broke up a while ago, but the idea that I can't have sex without hideous amounts of pain - or what seems like hours of time vested in teasing, toying and so forth really irks me. <P>I've been interested in someone new lately. He's a beautiful person and I would love to consider us an item. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He makes me comfortable. We've known each other for quite a while and we've been getting closer and closer - emotionally. However, there may come a day when I'd like to get closer to him physically. And as things stand now I don't see how it would work - at least not without a lot of screaming. <P>Now that I've completely scarred most of you and/or run you out of the topic in terror - do any of the remaining brave souls have any ideas on this?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by SweetDeath:<BR><B>The only way he could ever penetrate without pain thereafter was a very slow - very prolonged mutual masturbation session of dry sex which gradually turned into very moist sex either through sweat or some other unnamed bodily fluid. <BR></B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That is exactly the way virgins are supposed to have sex. It doesn't often happen, hence the idea that sex hurts for virgins. Insist on that kind of sex; it's your right. You will stretch out in time. If you are really bothered about it, you can buy a dildo and work on gently stretching yourself out, at your own pace. But you don't have to do this if you don't want to. Young women deserve lots of foreplay and should insist on it. And there's nothing wrong with using lubricant too, if that makes sex more pleasurable for you.<P>Welcome to the board.<P>

Describe the pain more...<P>When does it start?<BR>Does insertion of any object hurt?<BR>Describe the pain itself. Burning, etc?<BR>Where is the pain located?<BR>Does lots of lubricant help?<BR>Does it get worse?<BR>Does "streching" things eventually lessen the pain or does it stay the same or get worse.<P>Information that might be helpful for you.<BR>You can see here or the website in my profile for information on <BR>Vulvodynia<BR>Dyspareunia <BR>Vulvar Vestibulitis<BR>Vaginismus<P>Read some of the descriptions and see how they compare to yourself. This is a good start. I wonder, given your description, if it might be Vulvar Vestibulitis, or a mild case of it. Of course, I might simply be a dope. *grin*<P>Let us know, we're glad to help if we can.<P>Best wishes,<BR>Greg<P>------------------<BR>See the icons at the top of this post for my profile and more information.<BR>Also note, I am *not* a doctor, and this is not intended as medical advice - Please talk to your doctor about your concerns.

Greg, she says herself if she gets enough foreplay the sex is fine. And she's under twenty. Her very first sex act was painless with sufficient foreplay! I don't think she has those things you listed, just impatient boyfriends. <P>Speaking of which, if a guy under twenty loses his erection during foreplay, it should be just a matter of seconds for him to get it back with a little oral sex. Probably just hearing the words, "I'm ready" would be enough to get it back. Not something to feel bad about.

Wow! Thanks for the welcome and for the advice. <P>The first "encounter" or sexual experience was at most ten seconds because he was in such a state of shock - he was in and out and almost on the floor in perhaps ten seconds. I think I didn't have time to really process what had happened - which in turn gave me little time to tighten (in apprehension or what have you). <P>I think I will insist on plenty of foreplay - but I'd also like a bit of practice by myself. I purchased a vibrator but the one I have right now is too big. I'd like one that I could use in the shower.<P>I think it might just be a huge jumble of nerves. For a long while I couldn’t even use a tampon because I could never relax enough. Hopefully with some practice I’ll be able to feel a bit less shy when it comes to sex. <P>After taking a peek at some of the information regarding the topics listed it sounds most like "Vaginismus". <BR><p>[This message has been edited by SweetDeath (edited 03 December 2003).]

Well, I do have to say that pain like burning coals sounds very, very familiar. And I have vaginismus. But perhaps you do not have a very bad case of it, and perhaps with a little physical therapy (stretching the muscles out), you could get better pretty quickly.<P>If it turns out you have vaginisimus, it would be helpful to go see a gynecologic physical therapist.<P>Mercy

If you don't mind, I could e-mail you a link to a website that sells toys in all shapes and sizes (including small and waterproof). Woman-run, so their focus isn't so much on the big, impressive, scary size of toys.

Thank you so much Zane. It's very appreciated.

Except I just noticed your e-mail isn't in your profile. Mine is, why don't you e-mail me and I'll e-mail you back with the info.

While I'm sitting at the computer - standing in line - watching a movie or the TV... I notice I'm tightening and flexing... (also called Kegels).<P>I'm not sure where or why I developed the habit, but I know I've been doing it awhile. I think this might be where some of the tightness came from.<P>Zane, thank you for the sites you linked me to. But I'm not sure how to go about purchasing things. I mean - I know how to place an order... but I haven't the slightest clue what to get first. There are so many. I suppose it couldn't hurt to have an extra or a spare - but looking over the selection I'm a tad apprehensive about making the wrong choice and getting something I'd never use.

I stand corrected, you do have vaginismus. Pinky has the same thing you do, you might want to do a search on her name at this site.<P>As for purchases, I know the selection is huge. If I were you, I'd get a silicone one in one of the "realistic" models that isn't too large to start out with. Maybe Pinky would have more advice on sizing. I wanted to send you a link to a site that sells stents--medical devices specifically made for dilation purposes--but they've shut down their website.

There is a yahoo support group for vaginismus. I've heard, from Pinky and others, that it is an excellent group. (Since it's by "membership" only - I believe you send an email and they add you - you don't have to put up with irritating men like myself either! *grin* Plus, it's more private and close knit community from what I have heard.)<P>If you want the link, check out the Vaginismus page on the website listed in my profile - the link to the Yahoo group is there, or email me, and I'll send you the info.<P>Best,<BR>Greg<P>------------------<BR>See the icons at the top of this post for my profile and more information.<BR>Also note, I am *not* a doctor, and this is not intended as medical advice - Please talk to your doctor about your concerns.

Or, you could try some washed and condomed carrots in order to discover the width of the vibrator/dilator/dildo that best suits you at this time.<P>(Anal) butt plugs work very well for me.<P>(The things we have to do.... Sigh!)<P>

Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm just glad it has a name and a "cure". <P>And Greg, you aren't "irritating"! <p>[This message has been edited by SweetDeath (edited 11 December 2003).]