His and Her Health

I am a 35 yr old woman and I just got married in 9/2003 to a man I love very much. I was always extremely independant and always went on trips by myself, Ireland, Italy, etc. I was a flight attendant,too. Our dating relationship was difficult as he lived in NY and I lived in PA and later, in MA. So when we saw each other, we only saw each other for 2-3 days at each others home, then we would go back to our home. There was a lot of driving involved but it was worth it.<BR>After the wedding, all was fine until the honeymoon. After about the 4th day I started to feel strange. I felt suffocated and didn't want to do things with him or have him touch me or make love to me. I thought when we got back (we had a 2 week honeymoon) it would be fine but it was so much worse. Every time I saw him or heard him coming I would get short of breath, feel hot/cold flashes and be paralyzed with fear. Every time he came near me I could not stand it. When he said that he loved me, I cringed. I could not eat or sleep for days and days because I felt so tormented by this. How could I have married someone if I was not sure if I loved him? I was sure <BR>before the wedding, etc...nothing changed. He is wonderful and loving and sweet and he always has been. I all of a sudden felt strange/different. <P>Finally my husband took me to the ER and they admitted me to a psych unit for 5 days. They put me on an antidepressant and some anti-anxiety medication. It helped to regulate my fear/mood but I still felt as though I wasn't sure I was in love with this man anymore. <P>Now to this day, I am able to have sex with my husband but I do not enjoy it at all. I don't know why I feel this way. Pre-marriage, I was always the aggressor, sexually. <P><BR>Somebody, please help me and tell me they know of this situation happening to someone else!!!!

It sounds like your problem might be relationship/commitment phobia more than simply sex drive. You've spent your entire life as a focused, independant women on her own. That's dramatically changed, and you aren't adjusting. It may have happened with any person you commited your life to, or it may be this particular person. Many people, men and women alike, go through these types of feelings when they are first married, contrary to all the "newlywed" hype of eternal bliss. The first year of marriage is often considered the most difficult, and there are a lot of changes to be made. It is expected that there'll be some anxiety and difficulties.<P>That said, it sounds like your reaction is very extreme. Given your extreme emotional reaction, it isn't at all suprising that you don't desire your husband. Your mind is very likely supressing your desires and drives (I am assuming things were fine before marriage) because you are in such a state of distress and discomfort. I rarely recommend councilling, but I would definitely recommend you consider seeking a professional to help you address this. A professional should be able to help you work through these issues, as well as keep an eye on your medications and side effects--one of which, with most anti-depressants, is often loss of libido. I don't think your meds are causing your loss of sexual interest in your new husband, but as you work to resolve these issues, it may become a consideration. Also, dosage and meds often need tweaking for maximum benefit.<BR>

troubledbride,<BR>I can relate to what you're describing. I had a brief anxiety attack shortly after moving into my boyfriend's place to get married. I was about the same age as you. It was a major life change for me as well. It may take a while to get used to it, but if you work through it, I'm sure you will be happy you did. It does not at all mean you aren't in love with him anymore. Try to think of the medication you're taking as a short-term solution though.

There's a difference between feeling anxious and feeling fear. Do you feel afraid of your husband? Is there something in your gut telling you he's a danger to you? If so that's something you may want to listen to.

Actually, anxiety is fear.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by zaneblue:<BR><B>There's a difference between feeling anxious and feeling fear. Do you feel afraid of your husband? Is there something in your gut telling you he's a danger to you? If so that's something you may want to listen to.</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by zaneblue:<BR><B>There's a difference between feeling anxious and feeling fear. Do you feel afraid of your husband? Is there something in your gut telling you he's a danger to you? If so that's something you may want to listen to.</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Thatis a good question but absolutely no. My husband is sweet and thoughtful, would never hurt a flea. I do appreciate all the good advice though. It helps me to know that I am not alone in this, Thanks so much.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by conner:<BR><B>Actually, anxiety is fear.<P> </B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You know what I mean, and so did she. There's fear and then there's fear. I just had to check.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by zaneblue:<BR><B> You know what I mean</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Zaneblue,<BR>No, I did not understand why you would suggest such a thing after she had already said he is wonderful and loving and sweet and he always has been. It didn't make sense to me. So, no I did not follow your reasoning. Hope this helps.<P>

Consider yourself fortunate that you have never been with a man you thought was wonderful and loving and sweet and who had always treated you that way, but turned out to be a man who liked to hit women. Oftentimes a woman's first inkling is her intuition, long before anything has happened.

<P>Zaneblue, <P>Not to sound stupid but what do you mean by that??<P>It's just my WHOLE life I have always dreamed of how perfect my wedding would be, which it was and now to be married and live with this wonderful guy and I am an emotional weirdo....<P>It's just so unjust!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by zaneblue:<BR><B>Consider yourself fortunate that you have never been with a man you thought was wonderful and loving and sweet and who had always treated you that way, but turned out to be a man who liked to hit women. Oftentimes a woman's first inkling is her intuition, long before anything has happened.</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I was just explaining myself to conner, that there's a difference between feeling anxious and feeling that you are in danger. From what you say, you fall squarely in the former. I just had to check, that's all.