His and Her Health

Well, after about a month of dealing with sexual issues, I wanted to say thanks to all that have replied to me with my questions and concerns, and to say that you all have been so very helpful in dealing and in some cases solving some of my problems. If you are familiar with my situation, you probably know that after 25 years of marriage to the same man, I have finally been able to achieve the big "O" through self stimulation. This was a major hurdle in my life. I'm sorry to say, however, that it appears as though my husband has recoiled away from me in such a way that it really hurts, and now that I think about it, I believe our lack of knowledge and experience sexually was the major contributor to this dilema. Now 25 years later, I have finally jumped over a major hurdle in my self-esteem, and have discovered what pleases me intimately, and have relayed these things to my husband. His only reply to me is to be patient with him, because he's not used to me being like this. What I don't understand is what does that have to do with touching me, or caressing me? He actually avoids spending time with me. His words say one thing (in the heat of passion), but his actions say another. He finds things to do rather than spend time with me. He talked on the phone (gossiping about someone) for three hours last night late into the evening. Pardon me for venting, but I'm really hurting right now, and I feel like I have no one to talk to. We have had communication about our sexual matters recently, and yes, we have had sex more often, but I don't see a change in his behavior toward me about sex. He performs NO foreplay. He lays in the bed like a log and barely touches me. Then his famous words that he has used on me whenever he's in the mood for sex: "Can you put me to sleep real quick". He makes me feel like sex is just a way for him to "release". I'm so frustrated and hurt. Now I see why I became more and more turned off from sex over the years. What a revelation. Thanks for listening, everybody.

I only have a few words...<P>Give him some time. He's still trying to figure out where you've gone recently. I can't promise what he'll do in response - it could be positive or negative - but I think it will take a while to see where things settle out. <P>I know from personal experience, that things often seem more negative after one partner does something different. <P>You've built a way of relating to each other based on how life was over the years. Now you have changed that delicate balance - and he's off balance. (I'm not saying you shouldn't have changed things, just that you DID - and it DID change things...) It will take a while for him to learn his "new" balance. (This is one concept that I quite like from Schnarch's books...) <P>He calls this state "the sexual crucible" - it's either learn to balance again, or burn up. It's not comfortable, and it sure isn't fun. But provided you both learn to "hold on to yourself" better and learn to work together better, you'll come out of the crucible as stronger people individually and as a stronger couple.<P>In different terms - think of the hints and code words that you pass back and forth. Getting into sex and how that occurs is usually a pretty elaborate "dance" - I know it is for us. Now you've gone and rearranged things. He's lost. It's like you moved all the furniture and turned out the lights and told him to find his way. I expect he will eventually, but he's going to bang his shins and grumble and grouse about for a while. It won't make him happy - at least not initially, and it's not likely he'll thank you for it - again, at least not initially. But I think he'll get over it.<P>I think you need to reassure him that you love him and value him. Also make it clear that you have desires and needs too, and that you'd love to have him participate. I think if you give clear and concise instructions he'll be glad to "help." The only thing I'd make sure of, is that he's aware you're not going to ridicule or make fun of his sexual skills. You're simply going to help tell him exactly what you want and like. (And you're willing to hear the same.)<P>Ok, that's enough from me. Perhaps others have more - I just think I can relate to his confusion.<P>I really wish you the best. You deserve it. <BR>Oh, BTW, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! (It *is* a new year – you are on a new journey to new and different places – I hope it brings you happiness and fulfillment.)<P>Cheers,<BR>Greg<P><P>------------------<BR>See the icons at the top of this post for my profile and more information.<BR>Also note, I am *not* a doctor, and this is not intended as medical advice - Please talk to your doctor about your concerns.

Thanks Greg, for your response. I really appreciate it. I noticed you said I should tell him what I need, and not ridicule him. I would NEVER ridicule him about something as sensitive as that. He said the same thing you said . . . to give him some time. No problem, however, I have told him what I need, and he's aware of the simple things that make me happy. These things are not even sexual, to be honest. Up until now, he was the one who wanted sex, and I didn't, for several reasons. Most of my problem early on in the relationship was "female problems", where sex often caused pain. After two children, a tubalization, a hysterectomy, and a couple of bouts of trich, I no longer feel pain. I did, however, have the orgasm hangup, and have conquered that. He tells me that he prayed to God for me to change into what I am now, and now he has to ask God to help him get used to me. This is confusing to me, if I am now all that he wanted relative to desiring him, etc. His responses to me on simple requests like brushing my hair are almost borderline cruel given the circumstances of my change, and where I've come from. Although he denies it, I believe he's paying me back for all the time I didn't want sex and he did. This is not fair. And another thing. . . some people use God as their scapegoat when they don't want to own up to their own responsibility for their actions. He's waiting for God to change him, so he says. If he was able to feel affectionate toward me in the past when he wanted it, how do you lose that ability when it's me? I just don't understand this. Nevertheless, I'm shaking off the blow to my self esteem, and I'll keep on going, because regardless if he shows me any attention, or somebody else, I deserve better than what he's giving me now.

I understand your frustration and I also understand your comment in relation to how people can use God as a scapegoat in order to avoid taking action etc. (Some of these people, if they are Christians, need to do an in-depth study of the second commandment, methinks.) The other irony is that the seeming pious words can sometimes mask a host of nasty sentiments such as profound rancour and anger. And, of course, religious people can feel guilty about being angry and bitter and may want to cover-up and cloak their negative feelings, thus not dealing with them honestly.)<P>Still, there's hope for us all.<P>However, we may have found here a solution to FSD far more potent than all the pills and potions, the doctors and vibrators, books and websites discussed on this board! I speak, of course, of the remarkable fruit of your husband's divine intercessions on your behalf!!!!<P>Any chance you could get him on my case next? <P>