His and Her Health

Ok heres the story... And please anyone out there Im so lost, confused and hurt I really need advice or some helpful feedback....

Been married about 7months.
4months ago I found a bunch of porn on my husbands computer... I asked him about it and he seemed ashamed... I said why do you look at that alone or at all (he's been telling me I'm the only one that turns him on, and I'm the only one he wants to look at) I tell him if you want to look at porn do it with me (lets have fun together) Dont do it behind my back and jerk off to other girls behind my back. He agreed and said he would stop and if he wanted to do it he'd let me know. NOW this is 4months later and lastnight I found so much porn/pics etc on his history of his computer...I asked him lastnight about it and he felt bad. But I FEEL betrayed, cheated on, and lied to. He told me he's been jerking off to this once a week for the past 4months. I feel like hes mentally cheating on me with pics of other girls. It may not be physical but mental. I just dont understand it, maybe because im a girl...idk. I feel so hurt and lied to...I dont know what to do. I dont know who to turn to for advice. Im so lost.
Its a big deal for me ... because he tells me all these things like your the only one that turns me on, and all this crap that now looks like lies.
Please someone give me advice on how to deal with this, get over it, and look past it. Its totally disturbing to me that he would lie.
What do I do???

He lies because he doesn't want to deal with your hurt feelings. He knows it's going to be a scene.

If he's doing it once a week (or even a couple of times a week) and the two of you are still having as much sex as YOU want, I wouldn't worry about it.

As long as he's not obsessive about it, it's usually just an aid to masturbation. Most men are visually stimulated and looking at porn makes it easier to get off. I'm a woman, but it's true for me too. I'm not interested in any of the guys I look at online - I don't compare them to my husband at all. It's just the image that gives a little added stimulation and helps me reach the finish line - like fantacizing. I couldn't tell you the first thing about what any of them looked like two minutes after I'm done and I've never, not once, been with my husband and wished he was built like those men.

If it's really just something to help him masturbate when you're not available, why not arrange a photo shoot and let him take sexy pictures of you to jerk off to?

If he's masturbating while you're left by yourself wanting to make love with him, that's a different problem.

See that is the thing.... Most the time i was in the next room sleeping, where he could easily just wake me up and do whatever he wanted.
Im just confused I guess, and hurt so I cant see why he would sit in the other room and look at other girls when im lying in bed naked in the next room. Am I not good enough? Does he want something/someone different? There thoughts in my mind...I just cant get rid of. I dont know how to look the other way and say hey thats ok he can orgasm to other women while im at home avaliable and willing to have sex.

You can do a search at the top of this page . Enter the name porn. You will find other posts with like problems.
You might also want to put your post in the " Women's Sexual Health Forum"

I think it would be reasonable to tell him that you'd rather have him come to you when you're there and keep his masturbation for when you're not.

Masturbation is different from sex and many people need both, even when sex is in good supply. I'm one. It's a form of relaxation. It's easy, you don't have to think about pleasing anyone but yourself - you just relieve some tension and move on with your day rather than making a big production out of it.

If you're not satisfied with the amount of sex in your marriage, talk to him about that. It's an important issue and one couples need to work out. But I urge you not to equate masturbation with cheating. No matter how much sex I was having, I'd still masturbate sometimes. I just like it the same way I like social activities sometimes and solitary activities other times.

Although I may not have the answer for you, I know how you feel and was in a similar situation years ago. I was 18 and after a long story of how I got there I was living with my boyfriend who was 26. When we got a computer and internet he started doing the online porn thing but his was a lot more than just jerking off to pictures. He would sign online when I went to bed and his alarm to get off the computer was when my alarm went off for work in the morning. When I went to work he went to bed, I came home and he went to work, he came home and our separate night would repeat. We weren't having any problems in our relationship and I was hurt and lonely and confused. Why would a man want to be online ALL night rather than with the woman who is laying in his bed? Picture vs. the real thing? I didn't get it. I soon learned that he had a separate sign on just for his long nights of porn searching and MANY disks with (I counted) over 400 pictures on them. He was signing on as a woman, going into the lesbian chat rooms and trading pictures. He collected them. His was more than just a quick jerk off looking at pictures. It was an addiction. I felt like our relationship was over, I was lost and confused, hurt and upset, ready to move out. After he realized he was losing me and noticed I was looking for another place to live he broke all his disks in half and gained control of himself again. We were together for 2 1/2 more years and I'm not sure if he ever fully gave up the online porn but he did at least learn when was appropriate and how to put his relationship first.

Even if you don't feel he is "cheating" on you, if its bothering you it will eventually hurt your relationship. If you can't seem to reach him yourself, counceling is always an option to help him gain an understanging of how you feel or even for you to understand why he does what he does. Communication and understanding is key to a healthy relationship. Best of luck to you.

I would like to start out and say thank you, to both of you. Your insight and words of expierence and wisdom have opened up my eyes to see past what I was feeling and seeing.
My husband and I have had a long talk lastnight....
I told him its not that i thought he was cheating on me ... and did not compare cheating to masturbation. I told him I felt cheated because he would be online looking up porn and then instead of getting turned on and coming in the bedroom to have sex with me... he choose to sit there and do it. I would much rather him come to me. If Im not there well then ok.
I was looking at this whole scene wrong... I took it as I wasn't enough or satisfying him enough. That he wanted to look at other girls and not me. That he needed other girls (non-real online ones) to get off. I know he would never cheat on my physically. But after all of this I just felt so betrayed and hurt, that I took it as he cheated on my mentally, and emotionally. I dont know if I will ever like him jerking off to other women, considering I've given him free range of taking pics of me, however he wants, and he has a cd full of them. Theres just something about the love of your life, bestfriend, and soulmate for life... looking at other women. I want to be the only woman he looks at. I know that is selfish, but I cant help it. I love him way too much.
Marriage is new to both of us we are both as well still learning. Things like this make me think alot about all the things left to learn about being married, and learning about males in general.

Here is the bad news: you will never be the only woman he looks at or notices. He is married, not dead. It is normal and healthy for partners to look at other people, humans are hardwired to notice attractiveness. IMHO, it is better to be open and honest with your partner about it, though. My partner will often tell me when he sees another attractive woman (in a very respectful way), and then tell me how pretty I am and how much he loves me. I do the same for him. In this way, we aren't hiding anything from one another. We are open, which builds trust. He doesn't think about them when with me (or he's smart enough not to tell me, which is also fine), and I am the same. We both share our erotica with each other, and are open-minded about it. Hiding it, or forcing your partner to hide it, isn't going to change that they look or fantasize--it's just going to make them sneakier.

The good news is, it's not about you. Just like you might see Brad Pitt and think "wow...what a hottie!" and it doesn't change your desire or love for your husband. Your husband does the same thing. It's part of human nature. It doesn't mean he wants you less, or wants them more. It just means you're not the only attractive woman on the planet. Really, your self-worth should not be attached to this. He loves you, he's chosen you, he's not cheating on you. If he were addicted to porn, or if he were choosing it over you regularly and it was hurting the frequency of sex, it would be a problem. If you feel porn is dirty, that also need to be addressed. But, thinking that any person with a sex drive is never going to look at/notice/fantasize about anyone but yourself is unrealistic and will damage the relationship in the end.

He should be respectful of you, of course, and reinforce his love and attraction for you. You, in turn, need to become more self-confident, and secure in your loving relationship. I am not saying you have to be as open as my partner and I, but it will be helpful to become more realistic about the long term.

"Forever" is a long time not to notice someone else, and his masturbation is not really about you--it's about him. It's his fantasy life, and occasionally he may not want to have to please you, but rather take some time for just please himself. Many, many people use masturbation and fantasy as a release. It is a selfish release, and sometimes that is what is needed (if it is interfering with your sex life, that's different). Even if he's not looking at porn, you can't control what is going on in his head. He may not have the computer screen up or the Playboy open, but he may indeed be thinking about Jenna Jameson or Angelina Jolie (heck, who doesn't fantasize about Angelina--I certainly do!!!). It's not in any way about his love or fidelity to you--it's just a release. Therapists, should you go, are going to tell you the same thing. Fantasy is one of the healthiest ways to deal with and maintain long-term fidelity.

Good luck to you both as you traverse these waters.