His and Her Health

I am back. Last year I was here asking for advice about my W's frequent UTI's. I found enough information about UTI's and that problem is solved only now she wants us to give up having sex.

I would say our basic R is fair at best. My W is picky and many things I do for her and my self don't measure up to her standards. My W is generally an unhappy person and feels almost everyone slights her or is using her in some subtle way.

In general our R has been going down hill very slowly. At one time she was a shopaholic and was on antidepressants because one of her dogs died. She had 4 dogs and 6 cats and 3 big birds. She tells me she likes pets better than people, and has for a very long time.

I am 62 and my W is 65. I work and she is retired. I cook at least 50% of the meals and we eat out often. I ask for very little from her. If she makes some food I eat it as I am not picky.

I spend a couple of hours a day sitting with her but don't talk much. My W has a strong opinion on several subjects and if I voice mine, it sets her off. My W will hint and get into position for me to rub her back and feet. I do it for a couple of hours at a slow rate with lots of breaks. I do it for several days and get a thanks, but nothing else most of the time.

While I rub her back and feet, she pets her dog and tells him how handsom he is. I say "what about me" Oh You are OK too.

She had breast cancer the size of a pea 10 years ago and took tamoxifen for 5 years post lumpectomy and has been off it for 5 years.

Before the UTI problems, we started to have to use KY. She wanted to give up sex then but didn't say much. She just held out and started saying no more often. Sex once every 10 days.

Then sex once every 2 or 3 weeks when the UTI's were a problem. We got that problem fixed, none for over a year but she uses the possibility of getting a UTI to avoid sex.

Things got a little better and we switched to Astroglide. That was short lived.

She told me several times all I wanted what was between her legs. I said not true. I want someone that I have an emotional connection with, someone that wants to do things they and I like doing. I did say her pickyness and frequent vetoing almost all of my suggestions to do things together were a big problem.

I have been at this relationship building for 3 years and have read over 15 relationship books. My last book concept came from a book "Peace Between The Sheets"

The books concept is to lay in bed nude with the w on top and kiss and stroke each others body but not have sex. Like most other things, that worked for a week or two.

My w recently said she wished I was like other guys my age. She tries to convince me I should have ED at my age and she often says she is too old for sex and it is part of natures plan, IE only childbearing women are built to have sex.

I said BS on both counts. I said I was normal for me and said I understand sex for her not enjoyable. some how in her mind I am supposed to intellectually just give up all of my sex drive /libido because she has no interest in sex but once a year.

She is not interested in me doing anything to her or is she interested in pleasuring me in any way. She even commented I should have married someone like one of her friends that likes sex for a couple of hours at a time. To me this is just a dirty jab and a way to deflect [our] conversation.

Recently, she has said intercourse is becoming painful and wants to quit having sex for the rest of the summer. She also said something similar last winter. I have empathy but still am boiling inside sexually. sure there is masturbation but I still want to make out hold her and be held. I never liked the wam-bam, go to sleep thing.

So I guess if Valentines Day is warm and I do everything right, jump through all of her picky hoops, we might have sex if I get off just touching her labia with my penis. I don't sugar coat many things.

From what I have read, the less sex a woman has, the more intercourse is going to be painful. She does not want to use any vibrator to stay in shape. I bought Replends and the Astroglide but they are not working very well now.

It seems I do the work, find a possible solution and she vetoes it. Because this has been going on in earnest (always some reason to not have sex) for 3 years, I am about at the end of my rope.

My post might sound like a complaint or I don't understand what some women go through. don't take it all that way. I am looking for suggestions.

I had had some advice from a female friend (no, no love interests) and her advice was, my W is being self centered and I do to much for her. The problem is not my W, but me for not acting more like an alpha man and caving in to my W limitations.

An example of a limitation would be, we don't go many places in the summertime=too hot for my W. We don't go any place more than 2 hours away from home=have to let the dogs out every 4 hours. We don't go anyplace overnight=she heard on the news some hotels/motel's might have bed bugs.

I posted lots of information so no one wonders what is going on.

I would like to have sex ( I would say make love but that takes two people. MY W decided she didn't need sex back in 1981) 3 or 4 times a month without it being martyrdom sex. I can do the hour long back and foot rubs several times a week, and I can do the Peace "Between the Sheets" making out things. I just can't do them and be turned away.

Right now I am about to leave the bedroom permanently. I have before and said if she wants a room mate R, I cant be her lover anf get almost nothing back. She was going to leave 3 years ago and looked for a house but saw she would have to do a lot more for herself than she does now.

We are sleeping in the same bed but I have to stay on my edge and not have any body contact. My W cuddles up with the dog.

She tells me she loves me but can't do more than occasional hug and monthly sex. If she had hew way sex would be annually. Me 3X a week but I would be willing for 1X a week.

That is about it. I hope someone can give me some advice. I am fairly empathetic and have been told I put up with too much garbage and give in too easily. I don't want to be an uncaring H, but this no sexual activity, and truthfully it's more the lack of emotional connection that's the bigger problem. My w can take but feels giving is just another word for someone taking advantage of her.

Married 38 years. W was my only romantic/sexual partner. We got married in 1968. I had back surgery in 1981, the R suffered and has been slowly going down hill since. We lived in the same house since 1974 and I am remodeling the kitchen, bath and general fixing up.

Thanks for any advice.

Lou