His and Her Health

This is my 1st time posting here. Since I'm not sure if I should post here or in menopause I'll post this in both forums. This post will probably be long, but I will try to summarize the best I can.

My H and I have been together almost 30 yrs and Med for 21 yrs. Throughout are M we have had a regular sex life, with some periods being better than others. In my 20s I had low sex drive and am suspicious that it was caused by a mix of hormone and emotional issues. After having 2 kids in my 30s those previous problems disappeared.

in 1990 my H was diagnosed with Hep C before it was even called Hep C. He was treated in a double blind study and had very good results. In the late 90s it was discovered the virus was very high in his system again. He was treated for 9 months and he is now considered cured. Back then it was not known that these meds caused severe depression which greatly impacted our M. This is where our sex problems began. His sexual dysfunction began with his depression, and then continued with the SSRIs he was taking. We ended up in 18 months of marriage therapy with a great therapist, H got on Wellbutrin, and we were in the best place ever in our M.

Fast forward to 2002. H's BP is high and is put on PB meds. Once again his functioning is impaired. Meanwhile I am in my 40s and my sex drive is higher than it's ever been. We are still very close. In 8/02 we begin a year of crisis. My 15 yr old nephew dies, my uncle dies, H's dad is sick for months and dies in 3/03. During this time I am the major caretaker for my elderly dad who is living alone, but shouldn't be. I'm finishing an internship fo my MA in counseling, and taking care of 2 teenage boys. I'm stressed and stretched like a rubber band. I am not there totally for my H or him for me.

Here's where life really gets bad. After H's dad dies his 30-something office manager begins to pursue him aggressively. Where I'm not there for him, she is totally there for him. My H eventually caves and ends up having a 9 month affair, about 7 months physical. Meanwhile my dad dies in 8/03. My H cut me off emotionally and physically during his A and I was planning on leaving him in 1/04 when he finally began telling me the truth. We have been working to recover from this ever since.

I don't need any advice on infidelity because frankly I now have my PhD in infidelity. I found a great website that helped me break up the A, get support, and educate me regarding these affairs. We have been in therapy with our excellant therapist for almost 2 years and have made much progress in healing and recovery.

Now back to the sexual problems. The sexual betrayal was the most difficult thing for me to deal with. We reconnected sexually pretty quickly and there was a lot of passion. He had to use viagra throughout his affair, but never uses it with me. However, sometime within the 1st year my H began holding back in some way. He felt tremendous guilt and remorse which effected him. I needed him to really turn it on for me to help me heal, and he was inconsistant because of his shame.

Sorry this is so long, but it is so complicated. Last January I began having peri-menopause symptoms. Missed periods, weight gain without overeating, extremely sore hips, periodic night sweats, really bloated upper abdomin, and found out I have an ulcer. Since that time I have slowly lost my passion. My H and I are actually very close, he now has worked through much of his shame, and actively is trying to help me heal from his affair. I am not sure if my lack of desire is due to finally detaching because he couldn't give me what I needed fully when I needed it. Or is it simply hormone imbalance which is complicating an already complicated situation.

Well that's enough for now. If you stayed with my story and have any advice I would appreciate it. I always knew that reclaiming our sex life was vital to our healing, and we are not there yet. Thanks much for any responses.
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Dear Getting Better:
I am not going to give you any advice on infidelity. From your history it appears that you have not had a gynecological workup in recent times. According to your symptoms it is probable that you are perimenopausal or menopausal. My advice would be to consult with your OB/GYN who specializes in menopause. And, after the workup, discuss treatment options with the specialist. There are several treatment options available for menopausal symptoms and/or low libido. You can find a list of healthcare providers who specialize in menopause on the North American Menopause Society website www.menopause.org.
Hope this helps and thank you for visiting our bulletin board.

Thanks Karen! I haven't had my hormones tested, but I have been to my Gyn. In the past year I have had 2 paps, because the 1st was abnormal. Because of the bloating my gyn wanted to rule out Ovarian cancer. I had an abdominal ultrasound and an internal ultrasound. I have had my cervix biopsied. I had a polyp removed and biopsied. My internist has checked my cholesterol, liver functioning, sugar, etc. I'm sure I forgot something.

I read a book called "The Triple Whammy Cure" in which the author stated often women will get all sorts of tests that come back normal, but they know something's not right. My doctors have been great, yet they all pretty much say the same thing. I'm perimenopausal and what I'm going through is very common. OK, that's great, but not very helpful. The problem with experiencing infidelity it's hard to weed out what might be hormonal and what might be the aftermath of trying to recover. There is a lot of info on recovering from an affair, but really very little in recovering sexually after an affair with one's spouse.