His and Her Health

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Hi! This really is a cry for help to save my marriage. We have been together for 16 years and married for ten. Up until now we have had a great marriage, something commented on by others. The menopause has now hit my wife in a big way and she says after years of looking after everyone she now just wants to organise her own life. She says she was controlled by her 1st husband and although the control is not the same she feels she has been controlled by me. In other words she is identifying all the unresolved issues in our relationship which she feels have to be out in the open and throwing them at me. There is other stuff as well but I dont have room. She doesn't want to do anything with me and she is focused on selling our home and living on her own. I admit I have made a lot of mistakes and now realise how wrong I have been (this is a very humbling experience)But I love my wife and always have done and want our marriage to last. When I made my vows I meant them and I know she did too. As I said I accept I have made mistakes and a big realisation has hit me but I also feel that the menopause is making her feel more strongly about the issues. I am dealing with the issues from my side and will never treat her that way again, if she will just give me a chance. Can anyone, especially you girls, help me. I need guidance as to how to treat her in order to change her desire to be totally independent. I now want all the things she said she wanted which were - She didn't care about the big house, a little house would have done as long as we were together - forget about big investment ideas just put the money in the Building society. Money and possessions mean nothing to me now because my wife is priceless to me and I love her so much and always have - I just rarely told her. I accept there is no quick remedy and that I am just going to have to be very patient but the priceless pearl of hearing my wife tell me she loves me is worth all the sacrifices in the world. I just hope I hear it again. Roger

May I suggest you post this on the Womens Sexual Health Forum also.

I came across this article on an adult sexual health site that you may find interesting. It basically goes over the core symptoms and effects of menopause, which may help you better understand what she is going through:
holisticwisdom.com/peri-menopause.htm

I would also recommend that you speak with a relationship counselor or something of that sort. Many times with women, honestly and open conversation makes all the difference in the world. Let her know that you love her and will support her with anything she needs to feel fulfilled and happy in life. You clearly love you wife, I hope this gets resolved for you.

<small>[ 10-16-2008, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: Moderator ]</small>

Hi Roger, You can post this on the menopause boards too. Men who are looking for answers to their partner's menopause frequent the boards and our website. I think you may find some women on there that may be able to offer some advice.

Your situation sounds very sad and you seem left feeling confused and helpless. One thing that struck a chord for me was how you mentioned you are looking for guidance to help her change her desire to be totally independent. Instead of trying to stop her from being independent, what would happen if you tried to embrace her change? She feels she cannot be independent in your marriage. What if you helped her become the independent person she wants to be while remaining in the relationship?

Can you give us an update on your progress with your wife? You wrote the original post back in August. Have things changed since then? I'm sure many other men are going through similar times and looking for answers as well. Hang in there.

Roger, I'm in much the same situation. It's complicated by our children as well. Hell if I want to separate, we've had little ups and downs but always resolved them. Now she wants out after 18 yrs. She also has symptoms of depression (withdrawal, anger) but comes back to herself after physical activity, the only time I can have enjoyable times with her, I sure miss having those more often. We've sought counselling a few times, but I don't believe anyone of the counsellors has said they have as their goal to help save our marriage, indeed one of them suddenly pulled out 'how to divorce' materials, I chose not to go back. There's a line there in terms of what we do ourselves and what a counsellor can do. So here we limp along, I've said if she really wants to go she ought to go, but hasn't so far, not sure what's next other than keep talking when she's in the mood. thx, Tony

Maybe she needs some space. It might do her good to have some time to herself- after all, you have to be a whole before you can be a half. Sometimes I feel trapped in my relationship too- I think it's common because humans aren't always naturally monogamous. But if she's stuck with you for 16 years, you know she loves you. Instead of telling her how much you want her to stay, show it- actions always speak louder than words. In the end, if it just doesn't work out, realize that because you love her you want what's best for her, and if that is to be independent, then you have no choice but to support her in whatever she feels she needs. If I were you, I'd grab some feminist literature as well- understanding always helps. Good luck, I hope it works out.

hi Roger, i think the meno. thing has alot to do with finally re-claiming the 'self' after so many years of giving it away to children etc.. it's like an identity crisis. ( i have gone thru the same thing you describe your wife as, and i know i LOVE my husband) my guess is is if she were to be alone, she would miss you terribly. i would support her in rediscovering herself. good luck.