His and Her Health

Word from the experts is that roughly 70% of women do not have orgasms from intercourse. Where does that come from? I wonder if the few thousand women who respond to polls are skewed toward those who have trouble with orgasm -- the women who orgasm during sex don't think of it as an issue, so they don't bother responding to those polls, just like I wouldn't bother responding to a poll on domestic violence since I've never experienced it.

My husband, who's had sex with numbers of women, all of whom orgasmed from intercourse alone, tells me there's no way those orgasms weren't real. He was married before for over 20 years and knows without a doubt that his wife's orgasms were real. He had a 10-year relationship with a mistress, with whom he had very passionate, tie-me-up-and-spank me "movie" sex, and never saw her seek satisfaction in any way other than intercourse. The same held true for other women he was with, in sexual relationships lasting months to a couple of years -- there was no other sexual outlet for them than intercourse, and all these women actively sought sex with him. He can't believe that women who all wanted sex so ardently would be faking orgasms over such long periods of time. What could they possibly have gained from that?

Is it possible that those of us who can't orgasm during intercourse are really the anomaly, not the norm, and the polls are just skewed?

<small>[ 11-03-2007, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: Moderator ]</small>

I am one of those women. Am I an anomaly? I have such wonderful clitoral orgasms that I don't even wonder anymore why I don't seem to orgasm from intercourse. We are an older couple having occasional issues with ED. This has required some innovations on our part. I guess I think I am rather lucky. However, I do agree with your question: where do they find those people?

FOR THE RECORD: Having clitoral orgasms is NOT the same thing as "having trouble with orgasm"! I've enjoyed them immensely for many many years and even now that I have both kinds I still vastly prefer clitoral orgasms. The real problem is our society and media that have created the impression that clitoral orgasms are inferior somehow and that vaginal orgasms are the "real" or expected thing. Who cares if some other woman gets off on vaginal orgasms? As long as you're finding satisfaction, intimacy and fun, why worry about it?

Most everyone I've ever talked to personally (not all that many) and online (quite a few more) have said that they have orgasms primarily through clitoral stimulation. I was at a "passion party" (sex toys for women) and when the presenter asked if we knew where our g-spot was, I was the only one who raised my hand. Those women were all over the clit toys. And they weren't at the party because they were "having trouble" - on the contrary. They were obviously enjoying their sex lives immensely and looking for ways to make it more fun.

If you look at the position of the clitoris relative to the vagina, it seems pretty apparent that most "normal" sexual intercourse positions don't directly contact the clitoris. For years I thought I was an anatomical freak for having a clitoris "too far" from the vaginal opening. But I've looked at a lot of explicit porn and medical diagrams as well, so I've seen that my own "arrangement" is pretty normal.

Not saying there aren't women out there who get off on intercourse alone, but it seems a LOT less common. It would be interesting to know the source of the statistic, but it doesn't seem out of line to me - and that's based not just on talking to people who are having trouble.

Unfortunately, I do think that a lot of women routinely fake orgasms. I've done it once or twice, but felt bad about it afterwards, so I don't ever do it anymore.

But think about it, if a woman feels desperate to keep a man (an unfortunate situation in itself), AND she feels that sexual performance is a must (that it defines her as a sexy and desirable woman), AND if the man knows nothing about oral sex or stimulating her in other ways (also an unfortunate situation), AND if they have poor communication together, then faking it would be her obvious solution to boosting his ego and making herself look like an extremely sexy woman.

It's sad, but I think that this is frequently the case with a lot of women. ALL of my girlfriends, except for one, are able to only have clitoral orgasms. I am now learning to have vaginal orgasms, but it is taking time and Zaneblue's special diet, along with working out with the Gyneflex, and I'm in my thirties, not a youngster.

My ex-husband also thought that all of his previous girlfriends (who happened to be teenagers!) were having vaginal orgasms too, and he did not believe me when I told him they were probably faking. It's a blow to his ego...I can understand why he wouldn't want to believe it.

And while I'm ranting and raving, what difference to statistics make when it comes to what floats your boat? Over 60% of the world is Asian. It's a fact but it doesn't change my hair color. You can wish to be "normal" all you want but frankly nobody is. You work with what you've got.

If the only way I could climax was by elbow stimulation, I'd hope my lover would slurp up my elbow til I screamed for mercy. Then I'd do to him whatever HE liked best. And I assure you the statistical group for elboweroticism is miniscule.

There was actually a male author who wrote a sexuality book called "She Comes First." The main idea is that for great sex, the guy should make the woman come before he does, through clitoral stimulation. If we weren't the norm, I don't know why he'd write a book like this. I think women who can only come clitorally are the norm, but I think it is also possible to learn to come vaginally. But that's for us to enjoy, not so that we can be 'good enough' or 'as good as' someone else was. That's a sad state of affairs.

I've heard the figure at more like 58%.

Well, duh, if a man realizes his woman is faking, why would he not call her on it? So, obviously, if a woman had been faking it for years, it continued only because it worked -- the man was convinced it was real. Surely you've heard of the common situation of a woman who agonizes over admitting that she has been faking it all these years? And what man replies, "Oh, yeah, I knew that but I just enjoyed your show of faking!" Right.

So it's reasonable to say that for every woman who's been faking it for years, there's a man who's been fooled for years. And what makes your husband think he's any smarter? He's already factually wrong on the statistics, so I would suggest he might be a bigger fool than most men about his "personal experience" too.

since women are capable of contracting their own pc muscles whenever they choose and not just durring orgasm there is absolutely no way for a man to tell whether she has had an orgasm or faked one...... no matter how smart they think they are.

and actually, what ever the statistical number may be they are not saying women do not orgasm from intercourse, they are saying most women do not orgasm from intercourse alone.... meaning that they do still orgasm durring intercourse IF additional stimulation is provided.

anyway........ who cares?
Is it important to know what foes on in other people's bedrooms? not to me. So long as I am getting what I need I don't worry about what others are doing.

It becomes a problem when your man brings his own past experience into your bedroom, with statements like, "I've never seen this before. All my previous partners orgasmed through intercourse alone, some even 4 or 5 times." It makes me feel like there's a dimension of the sexual experience that he's missing out on with me -- he doesn't get the satisfaction of feeling like he's "made" me come with his lovemaking.

your husband sounds very insecure in that he wants to point out to you that if there is a problem he is sure it is yours, and that he has nothing to do with it since he is supposedly so spectacular in bed.
There is nothing wrong with you, many women do not orgasm from intercourse alone.

I have some questions and analysis

1. Did you have previous sexual partners before your husband?

2. Was your ability/inability to have intercourse orgasms the same with them as with your husband?

3. If the answers to the 2 questions above is 'yes'..have you told your husband this?

If the answer to question 3 is 'yes'...then your husband should be plenty aware of your sexuality and should not be talking about how all those other women came easily. The only reason he would be doing this is because he's angry at you for something beyond your control and trying to make you feel bad about it. This would be very abusive and mean on his part.

If, however, your answers to question 1 and 2 is 'yes'..but you haven't told your husband about it...then he is feeling inadequate...that he is failing in some way....and this is making him try to put the blame on you. This is still not nice..but is understandable; a man really doesn't like feeling as if he's sexually inadequate.

If the answer to question 1. is 'no'..then there is a chance your husband isn't doing something right.

If the answer to question 2. is 'no'...then chances are very good that your husband is inadequate in some way, and furthermore he knows it, he had the same experience with his previous women, and he's lying to make you feel bad.

This thread on different 'kinds' of female orgasm h as caught my interest. I'm a man who, for the sake of my wife's sexual pleasure, (and thus indirectly my own) is always trying to learn more. I've been married 23 years to the only woman I have ever been with. She does NOT like to talk about sex at any time. She however, does enjoy having sex very much. I think the reason she doesn't like talking about it is because she hates 'analysing' her self in any way. This includes any feelings she might have about anything in life...not just sex. If she says she feels a certain way about something, and I try to probe as to WHY she feels this way...she gets very irritated and says she HATES it when I analyse her. I accepted a long time ago to respect this and so I don't do it...including in the sex area. So this is why I'd appreciate any comments from you women who like analysing your sexuality. You're more of an expert then I am on this.

My wife orgasms 99% of the time when we have sex. And she always comes first and, it seems to me, quickly. As most men probably do, I usually ask her how it was. She has different words to describe them:
1. "It was kind of a dud."
2. "that was a nice one."
3. "Oh yeah...that was a really good one"
4. "Hmm..that was different"


The "That was a nice one" always happens if she 'accidentally' comes while I'm doing oral on her. OR as is sometimes the case, when I do oral on her for the purpose of her orgasm..with no intent of us having intercourse.

The "Oh yeah, that was a good one" usually happens if she is on top, or..in those situations where I am penetrating her vaginally deep enough that the end of my penis is hitting something in there. I'm not sure what it is...it feels like something hard..but not has hard as bone..something more like muscle..although I don't know how there could be a muscle up there. Its something the end of my penis bumps against hard enough that it seems like it would hurt her...but it doesn't..she actually gets very excited about it and has one of those 'oh yeah...that was good" orgasms. Sometimes, during these orgasms..she emits fluid. She insists that she has peed. But it doesn't smell like pee and doesn't stain the sheets yellow like pee. I've heard of female ejaculate and am inclined to believe this..but for some reason..she's skeptical..just laughs and says its pee.


While we are having intercourse..or if I am pleasuring her orally...if I stick a finger in her anus, she will come almost immediately. I can feel the little spasms around my finger. These orgasms are always of the 'that was nice' or "oh yeah..that was really good variety".
However, If I am penetrating her anally with my penis, she will come with a great deal more noise, heavy breathing, etc. then with vaginal intercourse. She or I do NOT stimulate her clit while this is happening. And these are exclusively and always the "Hmm..that was different" variety. I ask her what she means by that..and she always says its really good..but not necessarily better then the deep vaginal orgasms. She says it is just very different. She says they sort of hurt which makes it more intense and exciting (her words)...but that feels really good at the same time as hurting.

Any comments from sex experts is appreciated.

<small>[ 11-01-2007, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: Moderator ]</small>

Peremino, There is a difference between voluntary clinching of muscles and the involuntary spasms of orgasm. I've felt my wife do both. Both vaginally and anally. And they are significantly different. If they were exactly the same, that would be great for those inconvenient times when sex was not available...we could all clinch our muscles down there rythmically a few times and get rid of those horny urges.

There are other ways for a man to tell with PRACTICAL certainty that the woman is not faking. And they don't have to "think they are smart" or even actually be very smart to do this.

I know your statement that men can't know for sure was not addressed to me specifically...but I want to use my situation for one example of how a man can know with practical certainty even if he hasn't experienced the physical difference as I have.

My wife orgasms almost every time. And often it is much sooner then I do. Once she has orgasmed..she is usually satisfied and not really interested anymore. While she is patient, caring, and concerned that I get satisfaction as well, it is obvious that her arousal has gone. This has caused significant problems with us because the primary cause of my sexual arousal is that she's turned on. It becomes a dilemma so that i have even a harder time coming...and occasionally a difficult time maintaining an erection. It basically becomes a struggle to get me off. This is not really that pleasant for me..so i know it can't be pleasant for her. My wife also happens to be above average in cognitive ability. So..taking these factors into consideration, isn't it reasonably certain that if my wife was going to fake an orgasm...she would wait until I am about to come (I always let her know) and then fake it at that time?

billb, no I was not addressing you but since you choose to hicjack Liz's thread I will address you now.

While contracting the pc muscles is not going to "get rid of thos horny urges" as you so delecately put it, there are indeed women with sufficient control of their muscles to contract them in a rhythmic fashion and cause a man to think she has orgasmed should she chose to.
And yes there are also women who can moan and groan and pretend to be satified afterwards.
Since most women do not ejaculate there is no way that a man can know with 100% certaintly whether she has chosen to fake an orgasm.
Now if you don't mind, back to the subject at hand.....

Liz I would like to know also if you have always been unable to orgasm through intercourse or whether it has only been a problem with your husband.