His and Her Health

After reading posts here for a few weeks and seeing how clear and honest you all are, I'm taking the plunge and posting. I have a great husband who's a wonderful father, solid business partner, and good friend. But our sex life is the pits, and most of the reason is me. <P>I'm 41, married for 8 years, 6 year old son, own a business with my husband, and am a composer as well. Some of the info I need to say is tough to even type, so please don't judge too much, OK? I'm not proud or happy about what I've done, but I did it and now I'm stuck. I'm hoping that someone else out there has been through something similar and can offer some advice or ideas.<P><BR>--First off, though I have no trouble bringing myself to orgasm, I've never had one during intercourse or through any stimulation from a partner. When my husband and I first slept together, he was very intent on me having an orgasm, so he was persistent and almost insistent and I wound up faking it. (I can hear the howls now - I know, I know.). The result of doing so was another 4 years of faking it until one day I simply couldn't do so anymore and I stopped faking it. I had tried beforehand telling him what I liked - to the point of actually showing him how I brought myself to orgasm, but he just doesn't get it or I'm just not able to communicate it right. Once I stopped faking it, he was understandably confused and here's the next horrible thing I've done - I didn't tell him I'd been faking it. I thought that if I didn't fake it, then I could work on teaching him what works for me and then I would have an orgasm for real and problem solved. But though he wants to please me, it just doesn't happen. So, after a while I started focusing on the sensations of making love independent of having an orgasm and every now and then bringing myself to orgasm during intercourse with him. I've let him know that I'm fulfilled whether or not I have an orgasm but he's still focused on finding a way for me to orgasm and I don't know what to do.<P>--About 3 or 4 years ago I stopped enjoying kissing my husband. This sounds weird, but I didn't like the wetness of it. He kisses open mouth - lots of saliva. Since this was around the time of the orgasm issue, I didn't say anything about it but at this point I hate it. We started seeing a marriage counselor about a year ago due to the orgasm issue and I finally gently brought up the kissing thing and he got very upset. He thinks of himself as a great kisser and can't understand why I don't enjoy kissing him. I feel like some kind of freak.<P>--The final thing that has me near tears typing this is that I feel the stereotypical lack of romance/warmth/magic in our relationship. My husband believes that the proof of his love is in his actions and I should know automatically that he loves me otherwise why would we be together? But I crave touch, massage, kindness, comfort, silence, handholding, sunsets, surprises - you get the idea. I have no problem giving him these things, but he doesn't see the need or perhaps does not know how to give them himself. At first the marriage counselor talked about how foreplay lasts all day sometimes and that sex is something you build to with words, touch, looks etc. But after a while she stopped and now tells me that I need to find that magic inside myself. Well I can find it through daydreams and fantasies, but I don't know how that helps my sex life.<P>I feel lost, very isolated and incredibly guilty. I lied from the start, and now I've got this huge mess on my hands that seems to get worse and worse. My husband loves me, but wants things the way they were. The way they were was a lie, and when I move in the direction of the truth, it gets even tougher and my husband keeps getting hurt. <P>Help. Do I stay in this marriage and endure the sex part of it so I can have the partnership or do I go out on my own and be alone but not have the pressure of the orgasm/kissing issues? Or is there something else I can do? Help, help, help.<P>Ella

I was going to suggest seeing a counselor, but since you already are doing that, I have some suggestions that couldn't hurt to try. They might work.<P>You started off with a lie, now keep going. Fantasize like crazy during sex. You can give yourself an orgasm during sex, continue to do that, and cut down on the number of orgasms outside of sex. Train your body think husband=sex toy, husband=orgasm. How often do you orgasm from masturbation and how often during intercourse? Also during sex insist on foreplay that feels good. If you want massage instead of kissing--just ask. Most men are happy to supply foreplay if they equate it with more frequent sex.

Hi- thanks for reading through all of that. <P>Orgasm on my own - once every other day or so. Giving myself one while with my husband - once every 3 or 4 months. In order to give myself one while with my husband we need to use a particular position and it's not a position that he likes so much as it's tough for him to last very long. <P>Smiling at the husband=orgasm line - I guess I've done just the opposite. Will try it - thanks.<P>

I'm pretty sure the technique will help you, from what you've said. Some additional things you might try:<P>If you can, keep masturbating, but just don't orgasm. It's a really hard thing to do, but it can really rev up your libido. Use a gentle light stroke and be very sensual, touch other parts of your body too. Fantasize, fantasize, fantasize. Really get yourself into it. While doing this, bury your face in an unwashed T-shirt of your husband's preferably something he has exercised in. This will help your body connect his scent with arousal. Don't spend more than fifteen or so minutes a day doing this, however, or you could desensitize yourself.<P>It's a lot easier to orgasm from masturbation than from sex for most women, so aim for eventually having an orgasm during sex once or twice a week, and only the occasional masturbation orgasm, like maybe once a month. This will mean you will have more sexual tension in your life, but more sexual tension will mean you will be lots more interested in open-mouthed kissing and less interested in candlelit dinners. If that makes any sense.<P>Also, you may want to try working your PC muscles with an exercise device to get them stronger. This is a good exercise to try when you are masturbating without orgasm every other day. Stronger PC muscles may increase your enjoyment of basic intercourse and may give you a newfound appreciation for male anatomy.

Ella - welcome to the boards.<P>You did the right thing and opened up all of the issues here because you have to tell all to find a solution to the problem. I have seen all types of messed up relationships over the years and I can say from your note that you shouldn't be thinking about splitting up since your problems are not as abnormal as you think compared to other married for 8 years. The good news is that you have a husband who really loves you and really tries to do the right thing but has a hard time "getting it" in the area of sex and the romance part. On the flip side you are having difficulties communicating with him because you fear that anytime you say anything to him he will get hurt and become withdrawn. <P>So here is what I suggest you do. I really believe the best medicine for your problems is to find a more effective way for the both of you to communicate any issues. This is harder than it seems for most because the conversation tends to get emotional which leads down the wrong path. <P>My suggestion is for you to sit him down when the child is sleeping and the two of you can have time without distraction. Open the conversation and reinforce how much he means to you and that having a good and healthy marriage is top priority and ask him if it is ok to speak openly and freely about anything that is bothering you and agree to allow him to do the same. Also agree to ground rules where no attacks are allowed and if the conversation starts going there call a time out.<P>Once you get that agreement open up to your husband. Tell him the truth that you have been faking it for a long time because you didn't want to hurt him. Make sure you don't make it sound like it's all his fault that you have trouble having an orgasm during sex - but tell him every woman is different and you just have to have special treatment to get there. Also tell him about the kissing and how you prefer a different type of kiss. Some women really love the open mouth kissing but you are not one of them. Let him tell you about his issues and things that frustrate him. Get the picture?<P>So once all this is out on the table agree on some actions. Get agreement from him that you will show him what you like and coach him during sex to tell him what you like and don't like. Once you get him in bed and he starts doing the things that you really like really go overboard and start moaning to reinforce that he is doing well - all men are turned on with the fact that he is really pleasuring his woman! If he really does a good job and brings you to an orgasm really cuddle up to him that night and drop him little hints the next day on how much you enjoyed yourself. Lots of positive reinforcement!<P>Let us know how things go!

Honey, I know what you mean, exactly. I was married to a man that loved me more than his own life. We had 3 beautiful children together. The problem actually began before we even got married though.<P>At first I was attracted to him sexually. But...I HATED the way he kissed me. He too is a sloppy kisser, kind of a lizard tongue, in and out, slobbery, and just, well, ewwww.<P>I decided that my marriage was based on more than the way he kissed me, that he was a great dad and he loved me dearly.<P>After years of this, and faking orgasms, I'd just had enough. I began to dislike him more and more every day. He tried, lord knows he tried, to satisfy me...I also even tried to teach him how I liked to be kissed, but he didnt change. <P>Eventually we grew apart and are divorced. We had been fighting constantly, couldnt stand to be in the same room with each other, didnt sleep in the same bed and took turns sleeping on the couch,.<P>I know you feel silly for faking it, but you shouldnt. I know you probably just wanted it over with, and you didnt want to hurt his feelings...right?<P>I'm not saying get a divorce. Honestly I dont know what to tell you to do since it seems you have put a lot of effort into trying to fix things.<P>It may sound silly to some, but kissing is SO very important to me. Its an intimate thing. I have always loved a good kisser and though it wasnt the cause of the ultimate demise of our marriage, it DID have something to do with it. I wanted to be happy, in all ways, not faking it, and not being repulsed when he kissed me.<P>The divorce resulted in us being the best of friends, we co parent our children, and we do things together occasionally like go to the beach with the kids, etc...just as friends.<P>I love the man as a friend, a dear friend, and dont want to lose what we have now....that is closeness and the ability to talk to each other, and the ability to discuss our children without fighting. We can now be in the same room without scowling at each other.<P>I know I didnt give you any real advice, what you ultimately do is up to you...your heart will guide you. I just wanted to give you my story in the hope that you wont feel so alone and isolated.<P>Hugs