His and Her Health

Hi,

I'm young and married, and have a problem with being attracted to other females.

My wife is very beautiful to me, and I find her sexy as well. The mystery and novelty of romance & sexuality with her is gone though, and I feel really badly about this. Unfortunately, it's not just a simple solution of trying new things together.

The real problem here is that I find myself extremely drawn toward other women - of all types. This makes the situation even more difficult for both of us. I haven't been disloyal to her, nor do I have any desire to be, but my thoughts make me feel like I'm Hugh Hefner.

I hope someone will have constructive ideas. I would like to change this aspect of myself if I can. I've even tried some hypnotherapy, but nothing has worked so far. I just can't seem to "turn it off," and I'm not willing to lie to my wife to satisfy my sexual desires.

What makes this even more tragic, is that my wife and I are very happy otherwise. Almost everything else in our lives falls into place nicely. Hopefully, this isn't an unchangeable part of who I am.

Any thoughts?

Thanks.

I think you're being too hard on yourself. You're married, not dead. It's human nature for healthy heterosexual men to find women attractive and there's nothing about a wedding ring that changes that. What does change is what you DO about it.

You can't go around acting on those attractions. And don't do things that upset your wife or make her feel insecure - like staring at other women when you're with her.

I think men are awfully attractive and harbor thoughts what it might be like to be with other men. But I take the sexual energy home to my husband.

Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't ever look at the menu.

DO try new things with your wife. That's an important part of remaining faithful: keeping things interesting at home.

Dear Questioning,

Maybe it is impossible to keep lust alive in a really steady, healthy, committed relationship. But you can have fantastic sex. It's just different than lust-based sex.

I think it might help you to read some of Helen Fisher's books-- They explain the chemistry of lust and of attachment-based love. They'll help you understand your wandering eye.
Most people who love sex and who commit to one rlationship feel a sense of loss when the intense passion they felt instantaneously early on changes to a slower-igniting and slower burning fire.

One way to keep excitement alive is to do new, non-sexual activities together. It also helps to talk about sex a lot. You might enjoy reading Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On, which I wrote with Lauren Dockett.

Good luck.

Dr. Z