His and Her Health

My fiance and I have been in a long distance relationship for a while. Although we see each other, it's only for 2 weeks at a time after 3 month separations. During these separations we find our sex life dwindling, and now were stuck in a circular dilemma. I have tried to have phone sex, send pictures, and the like, but I always feel so disgusting and wrong after we do it, that I physically cannot do it anymore. Because of this, my fiance is growing to resent me, and goes as far as to try to pressure me in various ways to give him what he wants. He claims he can't be sexually self-sufficient since anything sexual without me makes him feel the way I do about pictures and cellular sex: just dirty and wrong.

We don't know what to do. When were together our sex life is amazing, but now sex is essentially tearing us apart, and we can't find a solution that would make us both happy. Is there anything that can be done at all?

Three months is too long. You should get together at least every 3-6 weeks, and for shorter time periods, if only a weekend.

The lack of sexual contact is eroding your relationship -- the details aren't important. The point is that your sexual energy is going into things you don't agree with, and that's not helping.

So, make your meetings more frequent and shorter. And use the time in between to plan what you're going to do when you meet again, which will never be more than "a few weeks" away.

Trying to have any kind of a mutual sexual connection over the phone doesn't work for you, so don't force it. It wouldn't work for a lot of people. In my case, for instance, it would have no appeal. I like someone up-close and real, so web-cam hookups with girls exposing themselves, or dirty-talk 900 numbers never had any appeal for me -- I'd be bored even if it was free.

Hi 50ft queenie,

It also sounds like you're pretty angry and upset with eachother in general because of the conflict.
So maybe when you are together, you could create some non-sexual ways of having fun, creating good memories, and building back trust.

If you go on SexSmart.com, there is a general couples questionnaire. So take that and it will help you assess whether you have some broader relationship problems at this point. If so, and you address them, that will help the in-person sex feel less stressed and more genuine. The trust might have become broken, and that makes the sexual connection less heart-centered, and thus less passionate.

So try that.

Best of luck,

Aline Zoldbrod Ph.D.

Hi 50ftqueenie

Boy do I feel for you....I am doing this myself.A long distance relationship is hard. I do not get 2 weeks at a time ..I get a day or so. But we love each other and are working on it.We have about 6 months before we can move to be with each other. We use text messages, emails, Skype...I send him music on U-tube, write sexy interludes for him to find in his mail box.Send little gifts in the mail.He sent me his shirt to sleep with (smelling of him- I found that very sexy) ...and I sent him a lock of my hair. I know this sounds ..very vintage but it works for us. If you cannot write sexy stuff to him - what about taking a snippet from a book and sending it to him....My guy has said this has all helped him feel sexually fufilled even though he is not having sex. We have done the phone sex thing too.....but a lot of romantic planning. It is hard hard work the we both have to do. I must admit I find the sexy talk and writing easier .....we both are writers and he writes poetry to me....Hang in there ...if you love each other , talk and work it through..I know you can.

I have 3 weeks till I visit him.It has also meant we are doing a lot of savings to travel to be with each other ..we are 1800 miles apart.