His and Her Health

Is there something that I can do? We have been dating for a while now. I myself am a 22 yrs old as well but am definatly nowhere close to being a virgin. All the guys I have been with were not virgins when I was with them. I have been dating this guy who is great. He makes me laugh, he is amazing in every way. Except we have tried to have sex 3 times now. He didnt tell me he was a virgin. He said he had been with one other person. So the first two times we tried, we made out and and things got hot and heavy and he was hard, but then as soon as we went to seal the deal it was gone. Then last night he had it up for the start of it and we started but he lost it again. He then told me he was too afraid to tell me that he WAS a virgin, well until we actually started. But he is having a hard time keeping it up. I like him alot and am willing to do whatever I can to help. But what do I do? Is he just not comfortable with it yet? Is he trying too hard? Anyone else been through this?

Hi Cherry,
You didn't mention the environment you were in when you attempted sex. That may or may not have an effect. Being uncomfortable can definitely influence "temporary erectile dysfunction" based on my early experiences. I would suggest you give him a lot of encouragement without him feeling pressured. Also, I think a lot of your loving, but assertive, fondling of his genitals would help. If he loses his erection again, give him oral; that will surely get him up again.

Hi Cherry,

I agree with the idea of you giving him a lot of encouragement, but I think that he must be feeling absolutely terrified and horrified now. Not so sure that giving him oral might not contribute to his sense of pressure.The chances that this is psychological, not physical, are very high. Slow way, way down.

I am assuming he knows that you were not a virgin. Sometimes, it is intimidating to men to know that a woman has more experience than they do. The good ole double standard.

If you really care about him, bear in mind that the way this resolves will have a huge effect on how he feels about himself and his sexuality going forward. Be patient. Classic sensate focus where intercourse is forbidden might work well.

Try not to get him hooked on ED drugs at this early age.

On my website, under articles, is a three part article entitled The Mind Body Erection Connection which I think would be helpful. It explains how anxiety causes E. D.
In my experience, this will resolve. The good news is, he's probably not a "player" type. He's a sensitive guy, maybe, and sex is not a game with him.

Aline Zoldbrod Ph.D.

Thank you Aline. I will definatly keep that in mind. After last night I think Im going to just talk to him and tell him there is no rush. As for where we were, we tried it in my room the first time, his room the second time and my room again the third. I try not to push the issue. He usually is the one that initiates it but doesnt follow through. I think he is trying too hard maybe? I dont know, im not a man so I have no idea. I found out that he has tried before but couldnt get to that point. I wonder how nice the girl was about it because that could have something to do with it. Im trying to be sensative and understand. Im just not used to it. Im used to jerks who know what they are doing. I really really like this guy. I will check out the articles and keep you posted.

Hi Cherry,
Back with ya. Sexual inexperience for a male, especially in the wrong enrironment and circumstances can be a real bummer when it comes to performance. I remember the first few times I tried as a virgin in cars. It made me stifled for while.Wondered if I could ever really "do it." A real nice hotel room, beautiful surroundings, "neutral location" might just be the ticket. Unrushed for sure. Sweetness goes a lot way. Good luck.

I am a guy who was in the same boat 20 years ago, and if this guy is anything like what I was he's got major shame and performance anxiety about this. I spent my late adolescent and college years doing everything but intercourse, and the longer I delayed having actual intercourse the more of a stumbling block it became.

In the end, of course, sex came pretty naturally. <g>

I like Dr Aline's ideas of sensate focus.

But here's the other thing. Too much "understanding" is going to risk setting up a dynamic where he's the less dominant partner, which might or might not be what you want.

Other thoughts: classic missionary position makes it a bit hard to tell what's going on and does require a strong erection. Woman on top might be intimidating for him (at least until he gets past this). If you're on your back with your knees up and he's kneeling, he can rub you with a lubricated penis whether or not it's hard. And I can guess it's going to get hard. He can see where he needs to put it and I predict you'll be going at it pretty soon.

Humor. As someone who's been there, this actually is a humorous situation (the details you've shared don't hint to me that something deeper is going on, though I might be wrong). Not to laugh at him, of course. Looking back on my own situation, I could have had a lot more sex earlier (with a couple of really hot women, dammit!) if I'd just been willing to confess that I was nervous and inexperienced, but instead I let it become a complex.

I should add that when I did finally have intercourse it was with someone I did tell I was a virgin. And it was fantastic. I ended up marrying her.

Hope that helps!